It has been exactly 6 weeks since my husband and I lost our son Ezra and each day feels more difficult than the day before.
This last Sunday was Mother's Day and it was most certainly not the way I imagined I'd be spending my first mother's day. It was even harder to cope because for everyone except my husband, mom, and sister I was not fully acknowledged as a mother. To say that it hurt is an understatement. That is why I would love to share some suggestions for those who may not know how to approach someone in your life who has lost a baby, at any stage.
Acknowledge Her as a Mother.
We become moms the moment we find out we're pregnant. From that moment on we begin to take care of ourselves to ensure our baby is growing strong and healthy. We take our prenatal vitamins, we try to worry less, are careful about lifting heavy things, eat healthier, drink more water...all of this to care for our babies. We begin to talk to our babies, play music to them, feel their kicks, feel their unpleasantness over our food as we get sick, and see them in our ultrasound pictures. Be mindful of this as you speak to a woman who is not blessed to have that baby they cared for in the womb here on earth to love and raise.
Be Considerate of Bringing Your Babies Around Her.
Most women who have lost their babies and didn't get to hear them cry are mostly likely not going to be emotionally okay to see or hear babies around them. Before visiting a grieving mother, be sure to ask their partner or someone close whether the mom is comfortable around babies or toddlers. This may be a severe trigger for grieving moms. Personally, I did not want to see or hear any babies after losing Ezra, and to this day I'm still not 100% comfortable. It's always better to be sure than to assume the mom will be okay seeing you with your babies/toddlers/children, especially because they may feel wrong or bad for asking you not to bring your child around for the fear of sounding mean. I recall feeling broken and beaten when I heard babies around me the day I lost my Ezra and the day we buried him.
Texting First is Welcomed
Days before, during, and after losing Ezra I was flooded with texts. I answered each at my pace, but it was nice to know that people cared. It was also nice to receive a text first before a phone call, this way you know whether they are up for talking. Each day can be different for a grieving mom, sending a text allows them to communicate at their own timing. It also provides a nice distraction.
Address Their Baby By Their Name
Having people tell me they were sorry for us losing Ezra, that Ezra was loved, that Ezra is in God's hands now was the type of messages and gestures we loved to hear. Just hearing his name validated his existence. Being general with the loss may make the mom feel you're being passive in that their baby didn't exist because they're not here anymore. By calling their baby by name you are acknowledging their existence and at the same time that they are a mother.
Stay Away From These Lines
"He/she was probably going to have an illness or defect." - No one knows that for sure and it's not comforting to hear.
"Life goes on." - We know life goes on, we're currently listening to this and thinking how dare you say that to me.
"You need to be strong." - Why? Who am I being strong for? I just lost my son, I do not need to be strong for anyone. It's okay for me to fall apart.
"You will have another baby." - But we wanted our son Ezra. No mother begins a pregnancy thinking, if this doesn't go as planned I can just try again. It is beyond insensitive to say if the mom is still freshly grieving.
"It's time to get back into your normal routine." - Nothing is normal anymore. Our plans of having our baby here in x days/weeks/months is no longer happening.
"At least it happened now instead of years later when you got a chance to know your child." - Losing a child at any age is a parent's worst nightmare no matter what age. I knew my son, I knew the plans we had for him and how we would raise him. Again, beyond insensitive.
Offer Your Helping Hand
Women who lose babies still go through the motions women who go home with babies do. We still go through after labor contractions as our uterus shrinks. We still bleed heavily. We still lactate. We may even be in pain or discomfort if we went through a vaginal birth. After giving birth to Ezra, I could not sit still, so I moved around a lot and because of this my uterus muscles became inflamed. My contractions were still painful up to 5 days after labor. My tailbone became aggravated from having 5 injections in less than 24 hours in the same spot (4 from spinal anesthesia and 1 epidural shot). I was producing so much milk it was like a running faucet. Offering to help make a meal, take groceries, or even just to sit and comfort them makes a world of difference. My mom came by often, and when we were up for company, to make sure my husband and I were doing okay.
Listen
After losing Ezra I wanted to be as open as I possibly could be with everyone. I wanted the world to know I had a son and he was gone. I wanted this known because so many women suffer in silence. So many women are made to feel their babies were not in fact babies and suffer these losses alone. Sharing the loss of Ezra brought many messages from women I had not spoken to in years telling me I'm not alone as they also lost a child. Each listened as I shared my story and in the end knew that we shared an experience we would never wish on anyone. Listening to a grieving mom is crucial for her to feel understood and heard.
Do Not Make Them Come To You
When going through the motions of the magnitude of the loss it's nice to know you can count on others. My mom came over constantly to ensure we were eating and there wasn't anything we needed. It's important that if you want to be here for the grieving parent that you go to them and not the other way around.
Don't Forget About Dad
My poor husband did not know loss before our son, and for this to be his first loss breaks my heart for him. Remember to honor and acknowledge the father as well as he too has lost. He may not feel the physical effects of having brought life into the world, but he feels the loss. Be sure in any token of affection and condolence that you include him as well.
For those who do not know the pain of losing someone, many blessings and may it be years before you do. I've lost before and I thought it was a pain I could never feel again, until now. Know that a mother who has lost a child, has lost a part of herself. The day we buried Ezra I wasn't able to cry as much as others around me because it hurt more physically than it did emotionally. As they poured the dirt over his small casket I literally felt as though someone had come up to me, ripped out a chunk of my heart, threw it in the grave, and continued to pour dirt. I never thought I could physically feel my heart breaking, until that day.
So please, when dealing with a grieving mom, be mindful of her broken heart. Offer nothing but love, compassion, support, understanding, time, and acknowledgment.
Praying for all of you pregnant moms, may you go on to continue healthy pregnancies and deliver healthy babies.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
My Angel Baby - Ezra Gotham
Please note, this may be a trigger for moms who have lost, please read with caution as I go over in detail how I lost my son.
Sunday, April 1st, 2018
It's Easter Sunday, my twin nieces 2nd birthday, and I'm finally feeling better at 18 weeks pregnant. My hubby and I headed over to my sister-in-law's house for my niece's birthday party and we were both looking forward to show off my now very visible bump and discuss how excited we were that we had just found out the week before we are having a baby boy.
The party is going great, I'm able to eat a burger (which is rare for me as I never crave red meat) and I felt the urge to use the restroom. As I wiped I noticed the toilet paper stained with bright red blood. My initial reaction is that maybe it's normal spotting as so many of my apps mentioned can happen at this point in my pregnancy, so I dismiss it. Not even 45 minutes later I have to use the restroom again. As I'm getting ready to wipe I'm incredibly nervous and praying I'm not spotting again and it was only a one-time deal. I look and the blood isn't as bright, but before I can even turn around to flush I felt a sharp pain that was so intense I had to crouch down and couldn't stand up straight.
As I walked out of the restroom my hubby asked if I was okay because I'm sure he could see the worry written all over my face. I tell him about the spotting and tell him I'm going to make a quick phone call to my OB. As I'm listening to the phone ringing I'm just praying they tell me it's normal and nothing to worry about. As I explained the spotting the OB responded with concern advising me to go to the emergency room and have an ultrasound done to ensure there weren't any major issues.
As I hung up the phone I looked at my husband and said, "we need to go to the hospital now." We only told his mom we were going to the hospital and that we'd keep her updated. Since we were far from home we went to the nearest hospital by my sister-in-law's house. We ended up going to an urgent care center first that we mistook for the hospital, but was sent to the correct location. They were quick to admit me and as soon as I got into the hospital robe the ultrasound technician came into the room. She performed a transvaginal ultrasound, which was the first since being pregnant for me. he provided us with pictures and told us the doctor would be in to see us and go over any issues, if any.
Not even 10 minutes later the doctor came into the room, introduced himself, and behind him came the same ultrasound tech with the machine. At that moment I knew something was wrong and my heart began to race. For the next 5 minutes or so as the tech conducted a second ultrasound the doctor just watched the screen in silence. Once she was done, she handed me another set of pictures and left the room. Then the doctor's mood changed and he had a serious look on his face.
"Okay, we have a major problem here. It seems you have an incompetent cervix. Your cervix is dilated 1.95cm, you have a tear in your wall, and it's caused a chunk of your membrane to stick out and is now exposed in your vagina. I am going to have you lay in a trendelenburg position (image below) starting right now until you can see a high risk specialist tomorrow morning." He went on to draw a semi-decent sketch of what my situation looked like and how it was dangerous to our son who was now exposed to the bacteria in my vagina due to the membrane sticking out. He advised me to try and get some sleep, although I'll be very uncomfortable, and I was not to move at all until I could see the specialist.
My heart stopped when he told me the baby was at risk due to the bacteria and the tear. All I could think of was, is he going to be okay, am I going to be okay. The nurse transferred me to the labor and delivery unit where I was put into a room, that at that time, I was unaware I'd be in for the next 4 days. I could not sleep at all that night and before the nurses left they attached a contraction monitor to my stomach to ensure I wasn't in early labor.
Monday, April 2nd
The next morning I was anxious for the specialist to come in and see me. All night I prayed to God for Him to watch over my baby and make everything okay again. I was still in shock that I went from celebrating Easter with my in-laws, to being in a hospital unaware of what would happen with our son. It was a little after 9am when the specialist knocked on the door and introduced herself to me. At this point my mom had already arrived at the hospital and was in the room for the series of questions the specialist had to ask in order to evaluate the situation.
She went on to explain that my only option to save my son was to have a procedure called a cervical cerclage, or a cervical stitch. It is basically a surgical procedure in which the cervix is sewn closed during pregnancy and is used as a treatment for cervical incompetence or insufficiency, when the cervix starts to shorten and open too early during a pregnancy causing either a late miscarriage or preterm birth. She explained that in order for them to determine whether I could even have the procedure done they would need to conduct another ultrasound to ensure there are no abnormalities with the baby, because if there were, the procedure could not be done. She said she would have a nurse bring me to the ultrasound office immediately so that if I were able to have the cerclage done, they could do it as soon as possible.
I was now about to have my third ultrasound in less than 24 hours and seeing our little Ezra still moving around gave us so much hope. The tech advised the specialist that there were no abnormalities with our son and I was cleared for the procedure. At this point, I was beyond nervous and scared. The anesthesiologist came in to discuss the details and side effects of the spinal anesthesia I would be given and advised me I'd have to go in alone. "We will come back to get you in about 20 minutes." 20 minutes...I began to get anxious again and tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"You're going to be okay mija, just keep praying," my mom reassured me. I told the nurse I needed to use the restroom before going into the operating room. Everyone cleared the room as I used the bedpan. When I get nervous I tend to go number two, and this one felt extremely different. I felt a large amount of liquid, that was not urine, come out and it scared me. "Can you please check the pan, I think some other liquid came out and I'm not sure what it is," I told the nurse. "Don't worry, it's your nerves, everything is okay," she insisted.
It was not.
As they came in to wheel me into the operating room I began to bawl, I was so nervous. I asked if I could take my phone and headphones to listen to music to calm me down, and thankfully they allowed me to do so. I began playing my relaxing playlist which consists of Mozart and Beethoven. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven is what I was listening to as they wheeled me into the incredibly all white and freezing room, quite dramatic as I'm sure it sounds. Still tearing and now shaking from a mixture of the nerves and being cold, the nurses moved me from my bed to the operating table.
"Okay honey," the specialist comes over to me, "we're going to give you four injections on your lower back to administer the anesthesia. You need to keep still and cannot move at all. I'm going to stand right in front of you as you sit very still for me. Here, put your arms around my waist." She placed her forehead against mine and whispered, "just stay calm, we're going to take care of you." This truly helped soothe me and in went the four injections. Slowly I began to feel my left leg go numb and then my right. I lied back down and they put me back in the trendelenburg position to prepare for the procedure. She raises a large swab and says, okay this is the first step, we're going to insert this before we can begin. I could faintly hear her as I'm now listening to Requiem: Lacrimosa by Mozart.
"We need to stop," I hear the specialist tell the three nurses at her side, "I'll be right back to double check this." She left the room for what felt like another eternity and returned 2 minutes later. She instructed the nurses to take my legs off the stirrups and came to my side, "I'm so sorry sweety, do you see the blue on this swab? That's your amniotic fluid. It seems your bag burst sometime after the ultrasound and before coming in here, you've lost too much fluid and we can no longer do this procedure. I'm so sorry," she said as she hugged me.
My heart broke into what felt like billions of pieces and I just laid down and cried as if I were alone in the room. I knew it. I knew the liquid I felt before coming in here while using the restroom was not normal and it was not urine. That was my only chance, and it hit me, I was going to lose my son...my precious baby. They let me lie there for a few minutes as I cried uncontrollably and then moved me back onto my bed. Each nurse and the anesthesiologist gave me their condolences as I passed them on my way back to my room. Before getting into the room I used all of the energy I could muster to turn to my left side so as not to make eye contact with my husband or my parents as they rolled me back into my room. I was still very numb from the anesthesia.
"Wow, that was fast," I could hear my husband tell the specialist. She was silent and didn't speak until my bed was in place and I was hooked up again to the IV. At this point I sensed my husband, my parents, and my in-laws who had arrived while I was in the operating room, knew something was wrong. "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't go through with the procedure..." the specialist explained the situation to them as I started to cry uncontrollably again. My dad was the first to come to my side and kept saying he was sorry as he hugged me. My mom then joined on the other side and hugged me as she cried, "I'm so sorry mija." Then I felt my husband come to my side and he began to cry as he stood there holding my hand, but stayed silent as I'm sure he didn't know how to process what he had just heard.
"Are there any other options?" My father-in-law asked the specialist. At this point the other doctor who had seen us the night before joined the specialist in the room. "There is another option, but we strongly advise against it. Alexis can refuse further treatment here and be discharged to go home and see how long she can last before going into labor naturally, which at this point can be any day now as she has lost most, if not all, of her amniotic fluid. There are many risks to this choice, she can get an infection and lose her life. She can go into labor and give birth at home as she may not make it in time to go to the hospital. Her membrane remains outside of the sac, her tear is still open, and she will continue to dilate. In order for her to go this route she will need to be on bed rest and hope she can last another 6 weeks without going into labor. The chances are less than 1 percent. If she were to have her baby before the 6 weeks there will be nothing any hospital can do to save the baby, as the earliest a baby can be put on any machine is 24 weeks, and she is only 18 weeks. Again, we strongly advise against this and when she is ready we advise on inducing her labor here at the hospital so she can be monitored and taken care of after labor."
At this point I was shaking uncontrollably from the effects of the anesthesia I was given and couldn't even begin to process what was just explained. I requested time to think, time to process, and to make a decision. I asked them to give me the rest of the day, which at this point it was already 11am, to take it all in. They agreed and told me to notify the nurse of our decision who would then relay the message to them. A few minutes later I received a phone call from my OB, the doctor we had been seeing since we became pregnant. I was relieved to hear her voice as the entire time we had been there I wished she was there, a familiar face. She told me the specialist and doctor filled her in on everything up until that point. "Ultimately it's yours and your husband's decision, but my professional suggestion would be to induce. Attempting to not go into labor for 6 weeks is risking the health of not only your baby, but you as well. I agree with the specialist that you should be induced and as much as I know it hurts, and again, I'm so sorry, but you can try again after one cycle or whenever you are ready. My priority is keeping you safe and unfortunately without amniotic fluid your baby will, inevitably, have many unknown health issues. When and if you choose to get pregnant again, we now know you have an incompetent cervix and will require you to have the cerclage done at 12 weeks. This will ensure you will be able to carry the baby at least 34 weeks." She continued to explain her medical opinion on the matter, offered her condolences again, and we hung up.
I told my husband about our conversation and after a small pause he said he agreed with the specialist and our doctor. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, but he knew I too trusted what our doctor and the specialist advised. He informed our nurse Christy, who then relayed the decision to the specialist. Christy told us that afternoon that I would be induced at 9am the next morning. Christy was our morning nurse, who made it a point to be incredibly caring, compassionate, and sensitive to our situation.
I went through the remainder of the day like a zombie. I felt everything and nothing all at once. So many negative thoughts racing through my mind. Am I being selfish, should I not risk my life to maybe save his, am I being punished? Our nurse Christy made sure to check on me every hour to ensure I was comfortable and not in any pain.
When it was time for the nurse shift change, we met our night nurse Aindrea. She was another sweet soul who went above and beyond to ensure my husband and I were comfortable as she knew what was to come the next day. She advised us that she would come in and let us hear our son's heartbeat on the doppler as many times as we needed, "even if it's for 30 minutes, you tell me when and how long you want to hear your baby's heartbeat and I will be here." My husband jumped on the opportunity and asked her if she could bring the doppler at that moment and she did.
It took a few minutes to find his heartbeat, but there it was...beating a little slower than earlier that morning and every other session we had before at our appointments, but still beating. My husband and I both cried as we held onto each other and gestured to Aindrea that we could no longer listen.
That night I researched many articles of women who lost their fluid and went on with the pregnancy, but neither had my condition. Neither had an incompetent cervix, neither had a tear, neither had their membrane already sticking out, neither had a very weak cervical wall. I guess I was searching for a sign, anything, that would give me hope. Aindrea came in many times during the night to check on me and we began to get to know each other. She shared her own loss of her second child and went onto have a rainbow baby after. She assured me to stay positive and that she had seen women with my condition go on to have healthy pregnancies as long as the cerclage was done at 12 weeks as it should with an incompetent cervix like mine. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own, she gave me an Ambien to help me sleep, and even with that I was only able to get 5 hours of sleep.
Tuesday, April 3rd
I woke up at 7:03am, I looked over at my husband who was still sleeping on the sofa bed, and just sat up in the bed staring at the wall in front of me. There was a knock at the door, it was my mom. "Hi mija," she said as she walked over to the chair next to me quietly so she wouldn't wake my husband. "Did the nurse say what time the doctor is going to induce you?" "No," I said, "but I think they said after 8am." We both sat there, barely talking, but I appreciated and needed her there.
A little after 8am, some more family began to show up and our room was now filled and a tad noisy due to my now 2 year old nieces being there. The specialist arrived at 9am and came in to talk to my husband and I. They were going to administer the first dose of the pill to induce labor and continue to insert one pill every 3 hours until I went into labor. "It typically takes 3 doses, so 9 hours, before the medication kicks in and you'll go into labor," they explained. "Now, your nurse Christy does not feel comfortable administering it due to there being a heartbeat, so I will be giving you the first dose. I am going to ask that your family leave the room for this." Everyone left, except for my husband, and the specialist then put a very large pill into my vagina. Then we were told to wait.
Everyone then came back into the room and just carried on conversations with each other. At around 10am I began to feel my stomach tightening quite frequently. So I began to time how long it would stay tight for and the time between each tightening feeling. The tightening feeling, which I could only assume were contractions, would last for 28 seconds and it was 35 seconds between each contraction. I explained this to Christy who told me it was too soon for me to be contracting, but she put the monitor on me to be sure. It was now 11am and the tightening began to feel more like a pinch every 30 seconds, but she reassured me it was not contractions and that it would probably be hours before I would go into labor.
Now 12pm, it went from a pinching feeling to a sharp stabbing pain. At this point I no longer felt comfortable being in pain not only physically, but emotionally because I knew what was to come. I asked my husband to ask everyone to leave the room because I could feel eyes on me looking at me with pity because they too knew what was coming. The staff was beyond accommodating and allowed our family to go into the room next door that was empty so they were still close by. "I will make sure no one comes in unless you give me the okay, once you're ready to start pushing I will make sure I bring your mom in here," Christy kindly explained to us.
I endured the most pain I have ever felt in my life. With each contraction that came I held onto the bed rails so tight I thought they would break. I was so scared and felt so unprepared. I didn't even get a chance to take a breathing class, I have no clue how to handle this labor, I was not ready. My poor husband kept asking me if there was anything he could do and each time I just yelled at him to be quiet and leave me alone. I could see him from the corner of my eye pacing back and forth looking helpless. I knew he wanted to help me, but didn't know how.
I cried, I moaned, I held my breath, I prayed to survive each contraction as I braced myself for the pain to come. Finally at 1:30pm I asked my husband to call for Christy so I could tell her I needed the epidural. I could no longer handle the pain and needed relief. Christy then called the anesthesiologist who came in to explain the side effects and what I needed to do as they gave me the shot. Christy asked me to sit up, "I need you to sit very still for me in order for her to give you the epidural. You can hold onto me, squeeze me, yell in my chest if you need to, but you need to be very still even during your contractions. Can you do that for me," she asked. I shook my head yes as I struggled to breathe during a contraction and practice staying still. As I prepared myself and wrapped my arms around Christy's waist, I could see my husband leaving the room. At that point I was unaware that they didn't allow him to be in the room as they gave me the epidural, I thought he had left because he couldn't stand to see me in pain.
Again, I cried, moaned, and squeezed Christy as I waited for the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. As someone who is deathly afraid of needles, this is the one time I was not afraid at all. All I wanted was relief from the pain and I didn't care how big the needle was, I needed it now. Honestly, I didn't feel the needle go in at all, the only thing I was able to do was concentrate on staying still and dealing with the painful contraction as the needle was going in. Finally, they were done and Christy had me lie down in the bed, "You should be feeling relief any second now." That I did. My right side went numb first and then the left, and not even 2 minutes later I felt nothing. I was able to breathe. It was now 2pm.
I begin to feel as though I need to use the restroom. I tell Christy that I need to go to the bathroom and she tells me to wait while she goes to get the bedpan. In the time she went to get it I began to feel what felt like a softball in between my legs. "Christy, I think I started already, I'm so sorry I couldn't hold it. I need to start pushing, I feel something," I told her as she walked back to the bed. "Let me check, hold on..." she lifts the sheet, "Oh, it's baby!" My husband stood up, held my hand and we both knew it was time.
Christy quickly went to get my mom and came back into the room frantically pressing the call button for the doctor to come to the room. "I need to push, I feel like I have to push," I nervously told her. "Okay, give me one push," she tells me. With one push I felt a large balloon type object come out and heard a loud gush of water.
My son Ezra was born, alive. Christy placed him on my stomach and all I could do was cry.
Ezra was perfect, beautiful, surprisingly bigger than I expected. The doctor finally made it into the room and told me to push one more time to deliver the placenta and all it took was one more push and it was out. During this time my husband held our son and they took Ezra over to clean him up. At this point I felt incredibly drained and had zero energy. I asked my husband to tell my dad to call our priest to get there as soon as he could to baptize Ezra. I told my mom to please let my in-laws know and to have them come see their grandson. I wanted our parents to be the first to see their grandson as we weren't sure how long he'd be with us.
Not even 45 minutes later our priest Father Matt arrived and wasted no time in baptizing our son. Being so tired, I began to doze off as he baptized him, and no matter how hard I tried to stay awake, I couldn't. Father Matt said his goodbye's and left. By this time the room was filled with our parents, our siblings, and my longtime friend. Christy asked if I wanted her to put Ezra on my chest and lifted my bed so I could get a good look at him. He was still breathing, his body was so tiny and skin still translucent you could see his heart beating.
My husband and I held our son and together admired his features.
He had my mouth and lips, my nose, my ears.
He had my husband's shoulders and body frame.
He had both of our hairiness as he had a thick set of eyebrows.
He had big feet and hands, broad shoulders, and tall for 18 weeks.
I asked my husband to empty the room so we can be alone with our son and have skin-to-skin contact with him. Once everyone cleared the room he carefully took Ezra's small cover off and placed him on my bare chest. As Ezra laid on my chest he reached out his small arm and I put my pinky near his hand when he then wrapped all of his fingers around my pinky. In my heart that was him telling me he knew I was his mom, that he wanted me to know he felt my pain and was holding onto me. My husband and I looked at each other as this is happening and cried out loud together. After a few minutes I wanted to ensure my husband had skin-to-skin contact with Ezra as well and that is how our son left the earth, in the arms of his dad.
Our son, Ezra Gotham, was born at 2:04pm weighing 8.8 ounces and measuring 8.7 inches long. We all had a chance to hold him until he went from the arms of his dad on earth to the arms of our Father in heaven at 4:30pm.
For 2 hours and 26 minutes our son fought to give us all as much time as he could to hold him, love him, and remember him. For 2 hours and 26 minutes I was a mom to a baby on earth, and for the rest of my life I'll be a mom to an angel in heaven.
Sunday, April 1st, 2018
It's Easter Sunday, my twin nieces 2nd birthday, and I'm finally feeling better at 18 weeks pregnant. My hubby and I headed over to my sister-in-law's house for my niece's birthday party and we were both looking forward to show off my now very visible bump and discuss how excited we were that we had just found out the week before we are having a baby boy.
The party is going great, I'm able to eat a burger (which is rare for me as I never crave red meat) and I felt the urge to use the restroom. As I wiped I noticed the toilet paper stained with bright red blood. My initial reaction is that maybe it's normal spotting as so many of my apps mentioned can happen at this point in my pregnancy, so I dismiss it. Not even 45 minutes later I have to use the restroom again. As I'm getting ready to wipe I'm incredibly nervous and praying I'm not spotting again and it was only a one-time deal. I look and the blood isn't as bright, but before I can even turn around to flush I felt a sharp pain that was so intense I had to crouch down and couldn't stand up straight.
As I walked out of the restroom my hubby asked if I was okay because I'm sure he could see the worry written all over my face. I tell him about the spotting and tell him I'm going to make a quick phone call to my OB. As I'm listening to the phone ringing I'm just praying they tell me it's normal and nothing to worry about. As I explained the spotting the OB responded with concern advising me to go to the emergency room and have an ultrasound done to ensure there weren't any major issues.
As I hung up the phone I looked at my husband and said, "we need to go to the hospital now." We only told his mom we were going to the hospital and that we'd keep her updated. Since we were far from home we went to the nearest hospital by my sister-in-law's house. We ended up going to an urgent care center first that we mistook for the hospital, but was sent to the correct location. They were quick to admit me and as soon as I got into the hospital robe the ultrasound technician came into the room. She performed a transvaginal ultrasound, which was the first since being pregnant for me. he provided us with pictures and told us the doctor would be in to see us and go over any issues, if any.
Not even 10 minutes later the doctor came into the room, introduced himself, and behind him came the same ultrasound tech with the machine. At that moment I knew something was wrong and my heart began to race. For the next 5 minutes or so as the tech conducted a second ultrasound the doctor just watched the screen in silence. Once she was done, she handed me another set of pictures and left the room. Then the doctor's mood changed and he had a serious look on his face.
"Okay, we have a major problem here. It seems you have an incompetent cervix. Your cervix is dilated 1.95cm, you have a tear in your wall, and it's caused a chunk of your membrane to stick out and is now exposed in your vagina. I am going to have you lay in a trendelenburg position (image below) starting right now until you can see a high risk specialist tomorrow morning." He went on to draw a semi-decent sketch of what my situation looked like and how it was dangerous to our son who was now exposed to the bacteria in my vagina due to the membrane sticking out. He advised me to try and get some sleep, although I'll be very uncomfortable, and I was not to move at all until I could see the specialist.
Image from History of Surgery and Anesthesia website
My heart stopped when he told me the baby was at risk due to the bacteria and the tear. All I could think of was, is he going to be okay, am I going to be okay. The nurse transferred me to the labor and delivery unit where I was put into a room, that at that time, I was unaware I'd be in for the next 4 days. I could not sleep at all that night and before the nurses left they attached a contraction monitor to my stomach to ensure I wasn't in early labor.
Monday, April 2nd
The next morning I was anxious for the specialist to come in and see me. All night I prayed to God for Him to watch over my baby and make everything okay again. I was still in shock that I went from celebrating Easter with my in-laws, to being in a hospital unaware of what would happen with our son. It was a little after 9am when the specialist knocked on the door and introduced herself to me. At this point my mom had already arrived at the hospital and was in the room for the series of questions the specialist had to ask in order to evaluate the situation.
She went on to explain that my only option to save my son was to have a procedure called a cervical cerclage, or a cervical stitch. It is basically a surgical procedure in which the cervix is sewn closed during pregnancy and is used as a treatment for cervical incompetence or insufficiency, when the cervix starts to shorten and open too early during a pregnancy causing either a late miscarriage or preterm birth. She explained that in order for them to determine whether I could even have the procedure done they would need to conduct another ultrasound to ensure there are no abnormalities with the baby, because if there were, the procedure could not be done. She said she would have a nurse bring me to the ultrasound office immediately so that if I were able to have the cerclage done, they could do it as soon as possible.
I was now about to have my third ultrasound in less than 24 hours and seeing our little Ezra still moving around gave us so much hope. The tech advised the specialist that there were no abnormalities with our son and I was cleared for the procedure. At this point, I was beyond nervous and scared. The anesthesiologist came in to discuss the details and side effects of the spinal anesthesia I would be given and advised me I'd have to go in alone. "We will come back to get you in about 20 minutes." 20 minutes...I began to get anxious again and tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"You're going to be okay mija, just keep praying," my mom reassured me. I told the nurse I needed to use the restroom before going into the operating room. Everyone cleared the room as I used the bedpan. When I get nervous I tend to go number two, and this one felt extremely different. I felt a large amount of liquid, that was not urine, come out and it scared me. "Can you please check the pan, I think some other liquid came out and I'm not sure what it is," I told the nurse. "Don't worry, it's your nerves, everything is okay," she insisted.
It was not.
As they came in to wheel me into the operating room I began to bawl, I was so nervous. I asked if I could take my phone and headphones to listen to music to calm me down, and thankfully they allowed me to do so. I began playing my relaxing playlist which consists of Mozart and Beethoven. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven is what I was listening to as they wheeled me into the incredibly all white and freezing room, quite dramatic as I'm sure it sounds. Still tearing and now shaking from a mixture of the nerves and being cold, the nurses moved me from my bed to the operating table.
"Okay honey," the specialist comes over to me, "we're going to give you four injections on your lower back to administer the anesthesia. You need to keep still and cannot move at all. I'm going to stand right in front of you as you sit very still for me. Here, put your arms around my waist." She placed her forehead against mine and whispered, "just stay calm, we're going to take care of you." This truly helped soothe me and in went the four injections. Slowly I began to feel my left leg go numb and then my right. I lied back down and they put me back in the trendelenburg position to prepare for the procedure. She raises a large swab and says, okay this is the first step, we're going to insert this before we can begin. I could faintly hear her as I'm now listening to Requiem: Lacrimosa by Mozart.
"We need to stop," I hear the specialist tell the three nurses at her side, "I'll be right back to double check this." She left the room for what felt like another eternity and returned 2 minutes later. She instructed the nurses to take my legs off the stirrups and came to my side, "I'm so sorry sweety, do you see the blue on this swab? That's your amniotic fluid. It seems your bag burst sometime after the ultrasound and before coming in here, you've lost too much fluid and we can no longer do this procedure. I'm so sorry," she said as she hugged me.
My heart broke into what felt like billions of pieces and I just laid down and cried as if I were alone in the room. I knew it. I knew the liquid I felt before coming in here while using the restroom was not normal and it was not urine. That was my only chance, and it hit me, I was going to lose my son...my precious baby. They let me lie there for a few minutes as I cried uncontrollably and then moved me back onto my bed. Each nurse and the anesthesiologist gave me their condolences as I passed them on my way back to my room. Before getting into the room I used all of the energy I could muster to turn to my left side so as not to make eye contact with my husband or my parents as they rolled me back into my room. I was still very numb from the anesthesia.
"Wow, that was fast," I could hear my husband tell the specialist. She was silent and didn't speak until my bed was in place and I was hooked up again to the IV. At this point I sensed my husband, my parents, and my in-laws who had arrived while I was in the operating room, knew something was wrong. "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't go through with the procedure..." the specialist explained the situation to them as I started to cry uncontrollably again. My dad was the first to come to my side and kept saying he was sorry as he hugged me. My mom then joined on the other side and hugged me as she cried, "I'm so sorry mija." Then I felt my husband come to my side and he began to cry as he stood there holding my hand, but stayed silent as I'm sure he didn't know how to process what he had just heard.
"Are there any other options?" My father-in-law asked the specialist. At this point the other doctor who had seen us the night before joined the specialist in the room. "There is another option, but we strongly advise against it. Alexis can refuse further treatment here and be discharged to go home and see how long she can last before going into labor naturally, which at this point can be any day now as she has lost most, if not all, of her amniotic fluid. There are many risks to this choice, she can get an infection and lose her life. She can go into labor and give birth at home as she may not make it in time to go to the hospital. Her membrane remains outside of the sac, her tear is still open, and she will continue to dilate. In order for her to go this route she will need to be on bed rest and hope she can last another 6 weeks without going into labor. The chances are less than 1 percent. If she were to have her baby before the 6 weeks there will be nothing any hospital can do to save the baby, as the earliest a baby can be put on any machine is 24 weeks, and she is only 18 weeks. Again, we strongly advise against this and when she is ready we advise on inducing her labor here at the hospital so she can be monitored and taken care of after labor."
At this point I was shaking uncontrollably from the effects of the anesthesia I was given and couldn't even begin to process what was just explained. I requested time to think, time to process, and to make a decision. I asked them to give me the rest of the day, which at this point it was already 11am, to take it all in. They agreed and told me to notify the nurse of our decision who would then relay the message to them. A few minutes later I received a phone call from my OB, the doctor we had been seeing since we became pregnant. I was relieved to hear her voice as the entire time we had been there I wished she was there, a familiar face. She told me the specialist and doctor filled her in on everything up until that point. "Ultimately it's yours and your husband's decision, but my professional suggestion would be to induce. Attempting to not go into labor for 6 weeks is risking the health of not only your baby, but you as well. I agree with the specialist that you should be induced and as much as I know it hurts, and again, I'm so sorry, but you can try again after one cycle or whenever you are ready. My priority is keeping you safe and unfortunately without amniotic fluid your baby will, inevitably, have many unknown health issues. When and if you choose to get pregnant again, we now know you have an incompetent cervix and will require you to have the cerclage done at 12 weeks. This will ensure you will be able to carry the baby at least 34 weeks." She continued to explain her medical opinion on the matter, offered her condolences again, and we hung up.
I told my husband about our conversation and after a small pause he said he agreed with the specialist and our doctor. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, but he knew I too trusted what our doctor and the specialist advised. He informed our nurse Christy, who then relayed the decision to the specialist. Christy told us that afternoon that I would be induced at 9am the next morning. Christy was our morning nurse, who made it a point to be incredibly caring, compassionate, and sensitive to our situation.
I went through the remainder of the day like a zombie. I felt everything and nothing all at once. So many negative thoughts racing through my mind. Am I being selfish, should I not risk my life to maybe save his, am I being punished? Our nurse Christy made sure to check on me every hour to ensure I was comfortable and not in any pain.
When it was time for the nurse shift change, we met our night nurse Aindrea. She was another sweet soul who went above and beyond to ensure my husband and I were comfortable as she knew what was to come the next day. She advised us that she would come in and let us hear our son's heartbeat on the doppler as many times as we needed, "even if it's for 30 minutes, you tell me when and how long you want to hear your baby's heartbeat and I will be here." My husband jumped on the opportunity and asked her if she could bring the doppler at that moment and she did.
It took a few minutes to find his heartbeat, but there it was...beating a little slower than earlier that morning and every other session we had before at our appointments, but still beating. My husband and I both cried as we held onto each other and gestured to Aindrea that we could no longer listen.
That night I researched many articles of women who lost their fluid and went on with the pregnancy, but neither had my condition. Neither had an incompetent cervix, neither had a tear, neither had their membrane already sticking out, neither had a very weak cervical wall. I guess I was searching for a sign, anything, that would give me hope. Aindrea came in many times during the night to check on me and we began to get to know each other. She shared her own loss of her second child and went onto have a rainbow baby after. She assured me to stay positive and that she had seen women with my condition go on to have healthy pregnancies as long as the cerclage was done at 12 weeks as it should with an incompetent cervix like mine. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own, she gave me an Ambien to help me sleep, and even with that I was only able to get 5 hours of sleep.
Tuesday, April 3rd
I woke up at 7:03am, I looked over at my husband who was still sleeping on the sofa bed, and just sat up in the bed staring at the wall in front of me. There was a knock at the door, it was my mom. "Hi mija," she said as she walked over to the chair next to me quietly so she wouldn't wake my husband. "Did the nurse say what time the doctor is going to induce you?" "No," I said, "but I think they said after 8am." We both sat there, barely talking, but I appreciated and needed her there.
A little after 8am, some more family began to show up and our room was now filled and a tad noisy due to my now 2 year old nieces being there. The specialist arrived at 9am and came in to talk to my husband and I. They were going to administer the first dose of the pill to induce labor and continue to insert one pill every 3 hours until I went into labor. "It typically takes 3 doses, so 9 hours, before the medication kicks in and you'll go into labor," they explained. "Now, your nurse Christy does not feel comfortable administering it due to there being a heartbeat, so I will be giving you the first dose. I am going to ask that your family leave the room for this." Everyone left, except for my husband, and the specialist then put a very large pill into my vagina. Then we were told to wait.
Everyone then came back into the room and just carried on conversations with each other. At around 10am I began to feel my stomach tightening quite frequently. So I began to time how long it would stay tight for and the time between each tightening feeling. The tightening feeling, which I could only assume were contractions, would last for 28 seconds and it was 35 seconds between each contraction. I explained this to Christy who told me it was too soon for me to be contracting, but she put the monitor on me to be sure. It was now 11am and the tightening began to feel more like a pinch every 30 seconds, but she reassured me it was not contractions and that it would probably be hours before I would go into labor.
Now 12pm, it went from a pinching feeling to a sharp stabbing pain. At this point I no longer felt comfortable being in pain not only physically, but emotionally because I knew what was to come. I asked my husband to ask everyone to leave the room because I could feel eyes on me looking at me with pity because they too knew what was coming. The staff was beyond accommodating and allowed our family to go into the room next door that was empty so they were still close by. "I will make sure no one comes in unless you give me the okay, once you're ready to start pushing I will make sure I bring your mom in here," Christy kindly explained to us.
I endured the most pain I have ever felt in my life. With each contraction that came I held onto the bed rails so tight I thought they would break. I was so scared and felt so unprepared. I didn't even get a chance to take a breathing class, I have no clue how to handle this labor, I was not ready. My poor husband kept asking me if there was anything he could do and each time I just yelled at him to be quiet and leave me alone. I could see him from the corner of my eye pacing back and forth looking helpless. I knew he wanted to help me, but didn't know how.
I cried, I moaned, I held my breath, I prayed to survive each contraction as I braced myself for the pain to come. Finally at 1:30pm I asked my husband to call for Christy so I could tell her I needed the epidural. I could no longer handle the pain and needed relief. Christy then called the anesthesiologist who came in to explain the side effects and what I needed to do as they gave me the shot. Christy asked me to sit up, "I need you to sit very still for me in order for her to give you the epidural. You can hold onto me, squeeze me, yell in my chest if you need to, but you need to be very still even during your contractions. Can you do that for me," she asked. I shook my head yes as I struggled to breathe during a contraction and practice staying still. As I prepared myself and wrapped my arms around Christy's waist, I could see my husband leaving the room. At that point I was unaware that they didn't allow him to be in the room as they gave me the epidural, I thought he had left because he couldn't stand to see me in pain.
Again, I cried, moaned, and squeezed Christy as I waited for the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. As someone who is deathly afraid of needles, this is the one time I was not afraid at all. All I wanted was relief from the pain and I didn't care how big the needle was, I needed it now. Honestly, I didn't feel the needle go in at all, the only thing I was able to do was concentrate on staying still and dealing with the painful contraction as the needle was going in. Finally, they were done and Christy had me lie down in the bed, "You should be feeling relief any second now." That I did. My right side went numb first and then the left, and not even 2 minutes later I felt nothing. I was able to breathe. It was now 2pm.
I begin to feel as though I need to use the restroom. I tell Christy that I need to go to the bathroom and she tells me to wait while she goes to get the bedpan. In the time she went to get it I began to feel what felt like a softball in between my legs. "Christy, I think I started already, I'm so sorry I couldn't hold it. I need to start pushing, I feel something," I told her as she walked back to the bed. "Let me check, hold on..." she lifts the sheet, "Oh, it's baby!" My husband stood up, held my hand and we both knew it was time.
Christy quickly went to get my mom and came back into the room frantically pressing the call button for the doctor to come to the room. "I need to push, I feel like I have to push," I nervously told her. "Okay, give me one push," she tells me. With one push I felt a large balloon type object come out and heard a loud gush of water.
My son Ezra was born, alive. Christy placed him on my stomach and all I could do was cry.
Ezra was perfect, beautiful, surprisingly bigger than I expected. The doctor finally made it into the room and told me to push one more time to deliver the placenta and all it took was one more push and it was out. During this time my husband held our son and they took Ezra over to clean him up. At this point I felt incredibly drained and had zero energy. I asked my husband to tell my dad to call our priest to get there as soon as he could to baptize Ezra. I told my mom to please let my in-laws know and to have them come see their grandson. I wanted our parents to be the first to see their grandson as we weren't sure how long he'd be with us.
Not even 45 minutes later our priest Father Matt arrived and wasted no time in baptizing our son. Being so tired, I began to doze off as he baptized him, and no matter how hard I tried to stay awake, I couldn't. Father Matt said his goodbye's and left. By this time the room was filled with our parents, our siblings, and my longtime friend. Christy asked if I wanted her to put Ezra on my chest and lifted my bed so I could get a good look at him. He was still breathing, his body was so tiny and skin still translucent you could see his heart beating.
My husband and I held our son and together admired his features.
He had my mouth and lips, my nose, my ears.
He had my husband's shoulders and body frame.
He had both of our hairiness as he had a thick set of eyebrows.
He had big feet and hands, broad shoulders, and tall for 18 weeks.
I asked my husband to empty the room so we can be alone with our son and have skin-to-skin contact with him. Once everyone cleared the room he carefully took Ezra's small cover off and placed him on my bare chest. As Ezra laid on my chest he reached out his small arm and I put my pinky near his hand when he then wrapped all of his fingers around my pinky. In my heart that was him telling me he knew I was his mom, that he wanted me to know he felt my pain and was holding onto me. My husband and I looked at each other as this is happening and cried out loud together. After a few minutes I wanted to ensure my husband had skin-to-skin contact with Ezra as well and that is how our son left the earth, in the arms of his dad.
Our son, Ezra Gotham, was born at 2:04pm weighing 8.8 ounces and measuring 8.7 inches long. We all had a chance to hold him until he went from the arms of his dad on earth to the arms of our Father in heaven at 4:30pm.
For 2 hours and 26 minutes our son fought to give us all as much time as he could to hold him, love him, and remember him. For 2 hours and 26 minutes I was a mom to a baby on earth, and for the rest of my life I'll be a mom to an angel in heaven.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Mommy of an Angel
December 22nd, 2017 I found out I was pregnant with you. That same night I told your daddy and we both cried tears of joy.
December 24-25th we announced to both our families who were excited to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
January 12th we seen you for the first time in our ultrasound scan and heard your heartbeat.
February 14th your daddy and I announced our excitement on Facebook that you were our Valentines blessing.
February 22nd we got to see you again in an ultrasound and your daddy and I were both so amazed at how active you were and loved seeing you move around in my tummy.
March 24th your mommy and daddy couldn’t wait any longer and had a first peak ultrasound done to find out you were a boy! My heart was overfilled with joy as each day I thought of you I pictured an oh so beautifully made baby boy.
April 1st your daddy and I made a visit to the ER due to mommy having a strange feeling something wasn’t right.
April 3rd at 2:04pm your mommy painfully both physically and emotionally gave birth to you due to an incompetent cervix and a failed cerclage attempt.
2:04pm-2:10pm your mommy and daddy stared at how beautiful you were laying on my chest, pointing out that you had my nose, my lips, my toes, your daddy’s shoulders, long fingers, and the forming of what we think would’ve been my ears. Your eyes were fused shut so we didn’t get to see you staring back at us, but we both cried as you held out your tiny little arm as if reaching out to hold ours. I held your little hand as you wrapped all five fingers around my finger tip for a few moments until the nurses took you to take your measurements and footprints. You were 8.7 inches long and weighed 8.8 ounces.
3pm you were baptized with your Tia Marisa and Tio Aaron as your godparents.
3pm-4pm your grandparents, great grandma, aunts, and uncles each held you.
4-4:30pm your daddy and I held you, cried, and stared at you until you took your last breath.
A piece of my heart went with you the moment God took you into His arms. I may never truly understand the reason you were taken from us so soon and as much as I try to distract myself or even share a smile or laugh with others, my heart continues to ache terribly. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the greatest pain I’ve ever felt in life, losing you. I pray that you know how much your daddy and I loved you from the second you were formed.
Until the day we meet again my beautiful Ezra Gotham. 💙
Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Monday, January 29, 2018
New Year, Big Changes
Another year gone and of course now it feels like it went by super fast like always. My husband and I welcomed 2018 planted on the couch in the living room of an airbnb rental in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My Christmas gift to him was tickets for us to see the Bears play the Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium because it's an enclosed stadium (I was not about to freeze at Soldier Field) and he loves the Bears.
This last Christmas was unlike any other, giving us (my hubby and I) one of the greatest gifts of all. On the Friday before Christmas I noticed my monthly was late, and it's always on time. I took a pregnancy test in the restroom of my uncle's restaurant during which I was helping in the evenings at that time. I didn't really think anything of it because I thought maybe it was just stress attributing to my late period, but not even 1 minute after peeing on the stick and turning to flush the toilet did I see two dark lines, PREGNANT.
My hubby decided to surprise me that day and met me at the restaurant to accompany me as I closed that night, so keeping it a secret after I walked out of the restroom was incredibly difficult. I wanted to yell "YOU'RE GOING TO BE A DAD," but instead I was calm and collected as I nonchalantly put the positive test in my purse. At this moment my brain started to work and think of ways to tell him I was pregnant. I wanted it to be special and a surprise, so of course I needed my sister's help since I couldn't do something with him being with me all night. I sent a text to my sister asking if we could meet up the following morning to talk about some things, but of course I forget she has anxiety and she begins to call me until I answer to find out why we need to meet up. Over the phone was not how I wanted to tell her she was going to be an aunt, but she gave me no other choice. She was ecstatic and said not to worry, she would take care of it all for me to surprise my hubby.
During my 4 hour shift that night my amazing sister handmade T-Shirts for my husband, his parents, and my parents. My hubby is a big Batman fan so she made a shirt with the Batman logo that read, "Call me BatDad, baby coming 2018." I told my husband I had to pick up something from my sister's that night and I'd meet him at home, luckily he didn't question me too much about it and didn't insist on him going with me. I decided to take a second test once I got to my sister's, just to be sure the first wasn't a false positive. Sure enough, a second positive test.
On my way home I just kept thinking about how excited he was going to be given that he has been ready to be a dad since the day I met him four and a half years ago. The thought of how happy he'd be made me feel even more excited to get home to him and tell him that same night, I just couldn't wait any longer. So I get home and the one time he goes to bed early is this night, so I decide to wake him up. Half asleep and in PJ's I tell him to come to the living room and open an early Christmas gift I have for him. He admitted to me after that the truly thought I had gotten him the Surface Pro he'd been bugging me for and assumed that was why I was recording him (and on FaceTime with my sister). haha Well it definitely was not that, but something even better. As he took the shirt out of the box he first noticed the Batman logo and said how cool it was. Then he read the BatDad part and was in shock, he just kept saying, "nuh uh, for real?"
It was such a beautiful moment that I am so grateful I was able to record for us to look back on and have as a lifetime memory. He was so excited he wanted to tell everyone at that moment, but aside from it being past midnight, I told him my sister was amazing enough to make shirts for our parents so we can surprise them as well on Christmas.
Sharing the news with our immediate family was so exciting and nerve wrecking. We told his parents first since we spent Christmas Eve with them and to my surprise my father-in-law cried. My mother-in-law said she would have, but didn't want to ruin her makeup, understandable. My sister-in-law was incredibly happy for us as well and cried, it was beyond touching to see how excited they all were.
On Christmas Day we were able to tell both sides of my family, since my parents are divorced. My parents didn't react quite as I had imagined, being that this would be their first grandchild, but I'm sure it was due to the added stress I had mentioned earlier that we were all going through. It did hurt a bit to not have such an exciting reaction from the two, but my aunts, uncles, and cousins on each side made up for the lack of enthusiasm from my parents.
I'm currently now in week 9 and since I found out have been feeling every symptom there is to feel. Each day it gets a tad bit better, but still feeling tired and drained. My daily prayer has not solely focused on the health of my baby that is growing inside and for my husband who has to deal with me. :)
During my 4 hour shift that night my amazing sister handmade T-Shirts for my husband, his parents, and my parents. My hubby is a big Batman fan so she made a shirt with the Batman logo that read, "Call me BatDad, baby coming 2018." I told my husband I had to pick up something from my sister's that night and I'd meet him at home, luckily he didn't question me too much about it and didn't insist on him going with me. I decided to take a second test once I got to my sister's, just to be sure the first wasn't a false positive. Sure enough, a second positive test.
On my way home I just kept thinking about how excited he was going to be given that he has been ready to be a dad since the day I met him four and a half years ago. The thought of how happy he'd be made me feel even more excited to get home to him and tell him that same night, I just couldn't wait any longer. So I get home and the one time he goes to bed early is this night, so I decide to wake him up. Half asleep and in PJ's I tell him to come to the living room and open an early Christmas gift I have for him. He admitted to me after that the truly thought I had gotten him the Surface Pro he'd been bugging me for and assumed that was why I was recording him (and on FaceTime with my sister). haha Well it definitely was not that, but something even better. As he took the shirt out of the box he first noticed the Batman logo and said how cool it was. Then he read the BatDad part and was in shock, he just kept saying, "nuh uh, for real?"
It was such a beautiful moment that I am so grateful I was able to record for us to look back on and have as a lifetime memory. He was so excited he wanted to tell everyone at that moment, but aside from it being past midnight, I told him my sister was amazing enough to make shirts for our parents so we can surprise them as well on Christmas.
Sharing the news with our immediate family was so exciting and nerve wrecking. We told his parents first since we spent Christmas Eve with them and to my surprise my father-in-law cried. My mother-in-law said she would have, but didn't want to ruin her makeup, understandable. My sister-in-law was incredibly happy for us as well and cried, it was beyond touching to see how excited they all were.
On Christmas Day we were able to tell both sides of my family, since my parents are divorced. My parents didn't react quite as I had imagined, being that this would be their first grandchild, but I'm sure it was due to the added stress I had mentioned earlier that we were all going through. It did hurt a bit to not have such an exciting reaction from the two, but my aunts, uncles, and cousins on each side made up for the lack of enthusiasm from my parents.
I'm currently now in week 9 and since I found out have been feeling every symptom there is to feel. Each day it gets a tad bit better, but still feeling tired and drained. My daily prayer has not solely focused on the health of my baby that is growing inside and for my husband who has to deal with me. :)
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11 strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light. - Colossians 1:11-12
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
With Age Comes Added Stress
It’s the night of my 28th birthday, I’ve just had
a full day of being pampered, sang to, showered with presents, and heartwarming
birthday messages. My husband planned the perfect day with brunch with my dad’s
family and dinner with my mom’s side.
The night is over and I’m getting ready for bed when I feel
this big heavy cloud of worry cover my entire body. My palms start to sweat, my
blood feels as though it’s rushing out of my body from my feet to my head. My
heart feels like it’s going so fast it could burst out of chest at any moment.
At this instant, my mind is overcome with fear as I feel like I’m dying. I
leave the room and tell my husband I have to use the restroom, hoping that
taking a seat on the toilet will help me to get over whatever is happening to
me. I pee, wipe, wash my hands, and still the feeling is overwhelming. I get a
cup of water to see if maybe I’m dehydrated, after all I do drink a ton of Coke
and coffee daily. I drink a full glass of water and I’m still feeling in a
panic.
I tell myself I’m going to be okay and lie down next to my
husband. He tries to cuddle me like he does every night, but I can’t handle it
at this moment. “No babe please, my stomach hurts,” is the lie I tell him. Lying
on my left side facing away from him I’m lost in my thoughts, what the heck is going on? Why does my left
arm feel tingly? Am I having a heart attack? “Ugh I have to go to the
bathroom again, it must’ve been something I ate,” I tell my husband. I must’ve
taken a while because by the time I came back to the bedroom he was asleep and
I was left with my thoughts. Five hours later my sleep finally takes over and I’m
able to fall asleep.
The next morning, I am feeling incredibly tired from only
getting four hours of sleep the night before and my left arm is still tingling.
I get to work at my normal start time of 7am and as I’m sitting at my desk I
just can’t shake the nervous feeling I have and the tingling in my arm hasn’t
gone away. As soon as my manager comes in I’ll ask her if I can go to a local
urgent care center.
Just to give you an idea of how critical this was for me, I am the worst when it comes to getting medical attention and faint when I see my blood. So for me to want to visit an urgent care center is quite a big deal.
My manager finally arrives and I explain my symptoms and of course agrees I should leave immediately to a local urgent care center. Once I arrive I am automatically struck with nerves again just from waiting to be seen. The doctor conducts an EKG on me, checks my vitals, and does a urine pregnancy test. Everything came out fine, nothing out of the ordinary according to the doctor. Before I leave he tells me, "you don't strike me as someone who is very stressed." As I walked out I responded, "I didn't think I was either." The remainder of the day I spent at home, scared of what could trigger another episode and decided to get some sleep.
The next day I get to work and start my daily routine as usual. In the middle of answering an email a sudden rush of fear strikes me and I begin to sweat. I feel trapped, my left arm is tingling, my heart is racing, I can't catch my breath. I stand up to take a walk to the restroom, but the fear at this point is so overwhelming I feel I might pass out. So I decide to step outside. It's about 45° out so it's a bit chilly, but in this moment it feels just right. I begin walking down the block and praying to God that He relieves me of whatever is happening to me. I prayed that God would help me to relax. As I crossed the street to continue my walk I began throwing up on random lawns of businesses. Embarrassed and scared at this point I called my manager and ask her to bring me water. It's truly a blessing to have a manager who is as caring as mine. She sees how shaken up I am and tells me to go see my doctor.
As I begin my nearly 2 hour drive home, I still can't shake the nervous feeling I have so I decide to google the nearest hospital and drive myself there. I pull up to the Emergency Room parking and as I'm walking in I am telling myself to try and remain calm so that I can properly explain my symptoms. A nurse takes my vitals as soon as I arrive and noticing how nervous I am makes small talk with me about the weather. At this point I am in no way shape or form interested in discussing the weather, but I play along as I know this is his attempt to distract my mind.
He tells me to sit in the waiting room until they call my name. I barely set my things down before I'm called and my heart begins to race. A nurse takes me to room 4 and instructs me to remove my clothing and put on the gown. "You can keep your socks on if you'd like, I know it's chilly in here. The doctor will be a few minutes." So I change and sit on the bed and when I turn on the TV Property Brothers is on. Automatically I think to myself, awesome, it's like God knew what I needed as a distraction (I absolutely love HGTV shows). The doctor walks in and is incredibly welcoming and asks me how I'm feeling. I begin to tell him the symptoms I had not even one hour ago at work. He explains that he wants to take an EKG test and that he'd have the nurse do some blood work to check my anemia, which I've had since I was 15 years old. The nurse begins to draw blood as the Doctor continues to explain that I've had a panic attack and the symptoms. At this point the nurse has drawn 6 tubes of blood and I'm already feeling as though I'm going to faint. I explain to them I feel incredibly uneasy and it's making me anxious again so the doctor instructs the nurse to remove the needle and tells her that will be enough. With the needle out of my arm the doctor says, "you realize I now cannot give you medication to relax." I tell him that it's fine and he leaves to review the EKG results.
One episode of Property Brothers later, the doctor returns, "your EKG results are beautiful, your heart rate is faster than the average for people your age, but otherwise all is good. You will need to find an outlet to release stress to avoid these anxiety attacks, but I do suggest you visit your primary care physician. I'll have the nurse draw up the documents to have you released." Immediately after I leave I call my primary care doctor and set up an appointment for the following day and as soon as I hang up I begin to cry for the one hour long drive home.
My primary care physician, who is the absolute best, explains that I have an anxiety disorder and prescribed me the lowest dosage of Xanax. Before leaving he strongly suggests I make an appointment with a cardiologist, which I make for that weekend so as not to miss another work day.
The cardiologist tells me the sudden anxiety attacks may be a cause of an atrial septal defect, better known as a hole in the heart. He explains that he will have me on a heart monitor for 48 hours and schedules a bubble test. I was no stranger to the heart monitor as I've had 3 during my high school years, but since it hasn't evolved much it was just a tad bit uncomfortable and caused a few rashes. Luckily the monitor didn't find any irregularities in my heart.
Then came the bubble test, which was beyond uncomfortable as I had to have a needle in my arm throughout the entire exam where 3 nurses had to be involved. First it started with the ultrasound technician setting me up for an ultrasound on my heart. Then another nurse came in to draw the needle and left it there ready for the bubble test. At this point I'm already in tears because I feel myself growing more anxious knowing the needle is just dangling on my arm. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, 2 nurses come in and begin to set up for their part in the bubble test. They fill one syringe with air and the other with saline. The ultrasound technician instructed them to wait on her count to 3 to begin.
1....2.....3, Go. The nurse begins to infuse the air and saline together to agitate it and then released it into my veins. The ultrasound technician then tells them to stop and instructs me to crouch as if rolling into a ball. 1....2....3, GO. The nurses begin to inject more of the agitated saline into my veins and the ultrasound technician tells me to stop crouching. Each time the agitated saline was injected I felt it more than I had ever felt any injection before. It felt like a super cold rush of air going through my veins and into my chest. "The test is over sweety," the ultrasound technician tells me as I'm still quietly crying. "Please quickly remove the needle so she can begin to relax," she tells the nurses.
I don't even know if I hooked my bra on properly because I was so eager to get out of there and just go to my car to bawl like a baby the way I wanted to during the exam. Thanks to God that the bubble test confirmed there aren't any holes in my heart, but as much as I was happy, I wanted to know what was causing my sudden anxiety attacks.
The stresses I have dealt with at work are nothing compared to what I've dealt with during my college years when I had school, my full time job, and my internship. For now I guess I won't know the exact cause, but I am sure am grateful that I have not had another anxiety attack since that week and I pray that I won't have another again.
Having dealt with this recently has truly given me such a deep understand and compassion for those who deal with this on a daily basis. After my first attack all I wanted to do was hug and hold tight those who I've known to have this problem in the past and tell them how sorry I am that they've had to go through it. I now truly understand the frustration people feel when told to "just calm down" or "you're over exaggerating you just need to relax." The last thing a person can do during an attack is relax or keep calm, and until you go through it you may never understand.
The next day I get to work and start my daily routine as usual. In the middle of answering an email a sudden rush of fear strikes me and I begin to sweat. I feel trapped, my left arm is tingling, my heart is racing, I can't catch my breath. I stand up to take a walk to the restroom, but the fear at this point is so overwhelming I feel I might pass out. So I decide to step outside. It's about 45° out so it's a bit chilly, but in this moment it feels just right. I begin walking down the block and praying to God that He relieves me of whatever is happening to me. I prayed that God would help me to relax. As I crossed the street to continue my walk I began throwing up on random lawns of businesses. Embarrassed and scared at this point I called my manager and ask her to bring me water. It's truly a blessing to have a manager who is as caring as mine. She sees how shaken up I am and tells me to go see my doctor.
As I begin my nearly 2 hour drive home, I still can't shake the nervous feeling I have so I decide to google the nearest hospital and drive myself there. I pull up to the Emergency Room parking and as I'm walking in I am telling myself to try and remain calm so that I can properly explain my symptoms. A nurse takes my vitals as soon as I arrive and noticing how nervous I am makes small talk with me about the weather. At this point I am in no way shape or form interested in discussing the weather, but I play along as I know this is his attempt to distract my mind.
He tells me to sit in the waiting room until they call my name. I barely set my things down before I'm called and my heart begins to race. A nurse takes me to room 4 and instructs me to remove my clothing and put on the gown. "You can keep your socks on if you'd like, I know it's chilly in here. The doctor will be a few minutes." So I change and sit on the bed and when I turn on the TV Property Brothers is on. Automatically I think to myself, awesome, it's like God knew what I needed as a distraction (I absolutely love HGTV shows). The doctor walks in and is incredibly welcoming and asks me how I'm feeling. I begin to tell him the symptoms I had not even one hour ago at work. He explains that he wants to take an EKG test and that he'd have the nurse do some blood work to check my anemia, which I've had since I was 15 years old. The nurse begins to draw blood as the Doctor continues to explain that I've had a panic attack and the symptoms. At this point the nurse has drawn 6 tubes of blood and I'm already feeling as though I'm going to faint. I explain to them I feel incredibly uneasy and it's making me anxious again so the doctor instructs the nurse to remove the needle and tells her that will be enough. With the needle out of my arm the doctor says, "you realize I now cannot give you medication to relax." I tell him that it's fine and he leaves to review the EKG results.
One episode of Property Brothers later, the doctor returns, "your EKG results are beautiful, your heart rate is faster than the average for people your age, but otherwise all is good. You will need to find an outlet to release stress to avoid these anxiety attacks, but I do suggest you visit your primary care physician. I'll have the nurse draw up the documents to have you released." Immediately after I leave I call my primary care doctor and set up an appointment for the following day and as soon as I hang up I begin to cry for the one hour long drive home.
My primary care physician, who is the absolute best, explains that I have an anxiety disorder and prescribed me the lowest dosage of Xanax. Before leaving he strongly suggests I make an appointment with a cardiologist, which I make for that weekend so as not to miss another work day.
The cardiologist tells me the sudden anxiety attacks may be a cause of an atrial septal defect, better known as a hole in the heart. He explains that he will have me on a heart monitor for 48 hours and schedules a bubble test. I was no stranger to the heart monitor as I've had 3 during my high school years, but since it hasn't evolved much it was just a tad bit uncomfortable and caused a few rashes. Luckily the monitor didn't find any irregularities in my heart.
Then came the bubble test, which was beyond uncomfortable as I had to have a needle in my arm throughout the entire exam where 3 nurses had to be involved. First it started with the ultrasound technician setting me up for an ultrasound on my heart. Then another nurse came in to draw the needle and left it there ready for the bubble test. At this point I'm already in tears because I feel myself growing more anxious knowing the needle is just dangling on my arm. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, 2 nurses come in and begin to set up for their part in the bubble test. They fill one syringe with air and the other with saline. The ultrasound technician instructed them to wait on her count to 3 to begin.
1....2.....3, Go. The nurse begins to infuse the air and saline together to agitate it and then released it into my veins. The ultrasound technician then tells them to stop and instructs me to crouch as if rolling into a ball. 1....2....3, GO. The nurses begin to inject more of the agitated saline into my veins and the ultrasound technician tells me to stop crouching. Each time the agitated saline was injected I felt it more than I had ever felt any injection before. It felt like a super cold rush of air going through my veins and into my chest. "The test is over sweety," the ultrasound technician tells me as I'm still quietly crying. "Please quickly remove the needle so she can begin to relax," she tells the nurses.
I don't even know if I hooked my bra on properly because I was so eager to get out of there and just go to my car to bawl like a baby the way I wanted to during the exam. Thanks to God that the bubble test confirmed there aren't any holes in my heart, but as much as I was happy, I wanted to know what was causing my sudden anxiety attacks.
The stresses I have dealt with at work are nothing compared to what I've dealt with during my college years when I had school, my full time job, and my internship. For now I guess I won't know the exact cause, but I am sure am grateful that I have not had another anxiety attack since that week and I pray that I won't have another again.
Having dealt with this recently has truly given me such a deep understand and compassion for those who deal with this on a daily basis. After my first attack all I wanted to do was hug and hold tight those who I've known to have this problem in the past and tell them how sorry I am that they've had to go through it. I now truly understand the frustration people feel when told to "just calm down" or "you're over exaggerating you just need to relax." The last thing a person can do during an attack is relax or keep calm, and until you go through it you may never understand.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
What Our Pre-Cana Course Taught Us
As my husband and I begin to prepare for our holy matrimony, we recently took our pre-cana classes, which is one of the requirements before getting married in Church. To be honest, we both expected it to be boring and long. However, to our surprise it was something we both came out of feeling incredibly enlightened and filled with great lessons for the obstacles we have faced and will face in our marriage.
Below are the key points we learned in our pre-cana class that I truly believe can be beneficial to marriages even outside of the Church.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Husband and Wife are the Church in their home, with God overseeing the home.
We both have struggled with making Church a priority in our home by semi-regularly attending Sunday mass. However, we both have promised each other that we will make it a priority from now on to ensure we continuously keep God the focus in our marriage and all else will fall into place.
The man must leave his mother and father and is now one with his Wife.
This is pretty self explanatory, but yet the hardest for some men to do, even women. For me the transition came easy as I was already living on my own when I met my husband, but as you may have read in my previous posts it wasn't the easiest thing for my husband to do.
Husband and Wife are first, second is the children (if any) and third is everyone else. If the husband and wife are not a strong unit, the children will notice the disconnect and will give them that perception of what a marriage should be like. This has always been an issue for many marriages, with mom's especially. In our pre-cana class alone there were two mother's who admitted they would tell their spouse that their children came first. The Priest made it a point to correct them and remind us all that when we take a vow to marry our spouse, we vow to put that person first above all else. The man and wife are the head of the household and if they're bond isn't tight-knit, everything else can fall apart.
Be open to affection and acts of love.
Do not put anyone else's preferences on PDA above showing your spouse your love and affection. For me, this has been an issue because of the fear of making those around me uncomfortable with my showing affection to my husband. I now understand that as a man and wife, it's okay to show affection because he is my husband and we are married. A kiss here or there, holding hands, hugging, these are all public forms of affection that are vital in a marriage to always feel loved by one another. Something we have instilled in our relationship from the start has been to always kiss each other good night and good morning, this truly helps to start and end each day on a positive note.
Open communication is key on both parts.
Assuming should be the last thing that is ever done in a marriage. Men shouldn't assume the woman to nag, cry, or be on their menstrual cycle and therefore not take into consideration what they are expressing. Women, do not assume your husbands will read your mind, be open and firm about what you're trying to express or expect. It's truly a blessing that both he and I are extremely open with one another and have great communication. At times there are struggles, but very minimal.
Know where you stand on the desire of a family.
Discussing how many kids you each want, or if you even want kids, is imperative before getting married. You definitely do not want to deceive the other with hopes of a family in the future and have no intention of ever doing so. Know where you stand and ensure your partner is aware as well.
Open talk about finances.
Finances has consistently been the number one issue in marriages. Always know that you are one now and there is no "my money is mine only" it's the money for your home and for your family, which is each other. This, I admit, has been a struggle of mine as well. I've been fortunate to be able to provide for myself for quite some time and having to share was hard for me in the beginning. However, I have learned from the first obstacle my husband faced after being laid off that it was my job to keep us afloat and that I did. I know if the tables were reversed, he'd do the same thing for our marriage.
Defend your spouse always.
Defend them against family (parents, siblings, extended family), friends, and strangers, within good reason of course. This is especially true in the Latino culture, unfortunately, because parents are so used to having their kids so close that they forget to create a life of their own with their own family. A great example given to us by the instructor, was an example of their own marriage and it brought me to tears.
"If your spouse feels disrespected or unwelcome by your family and you make excuses that they're taking it the wrong way or that's just the way they are, then you are taking the side of your family and make your spouse feel alone or on the other side. Instead of making excuses, shield your spouse and tell your family either they respect and treat your spouse with kindness or risk losing communication. Your spouse is your family first now, everyone else is second."
This brought me to tears not only because of the pain I could feel in his wife's eyes as she was standing next to him as he told us the story, but because he himself was in tears just reminiscing the pain he caused his wife all of those years that he was afraid to stand up to his family.
It is no secret that this has been a battle of my own, but I have been reminded constantly to be patient and it has served me well. My husband has slowly but surely defended me and has made it a point to take a stand, whatever means necessary. One thing I would want all families to know when a relative of theirs marries someone and brings them into the family...remember that the new family member is exactly that. A new family member. They are not a random or fling that your relative is casually bringing around, it is their spouse, their partner, and the person who makes them happy.
Never badmouth your spouse.
No one needs to know your marital problems, unless you are confiding in your godparents of vigil, you do not want to risk others seeing your spouse in a negative light. I understand we all need to vent here and there, but keep in mind that those you vent to will always remember what your spouse has done and may hold it against them.
Forget about the social norms regarding your wedding, marriage, and family life.
Live as husband and wife the way God intended, and you will overcome any and all obstacles the marriage faces together as one. A good example the instructor's gave was that of a friend of theirs. In their friend's family it was almost customary that the couple have children soon after getting married. Of course, this is what does happen in many marriages, but for this couple it was nearly expected of them. Ultimately they decided not to give into the demands and expectations of their family, but waited until they were each ready. It's important to always keep your wants and needs first and not let the pressure of those around you persuade you.
Before all of the above, God is first.
God is to be the center of our marriage, the one we lean on during difficult times, our counselor, therapist, our guide. With God, all things are possible. Ensuring that Sunday mass is attended, daily prayers are prayed, and giving thanks for our blessings is essential not only to our marriages, but our everyday lives.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After we walked out of that class we both looked at each other and nearly in tears at this point knew what the other needed from us. Knowing that my husband finally understood my pain in some of the stories and lessons told to us was like being able to finally let out a big exhale. I'm sure the same was for him with the obstacles I too have caused.
Since that day we have tried harder to do better for each other and in our marriage to prepare us for the day next month when we bring God into our marriage.
Below are the key points we learned in our pre-cana class that I truly believe can be beneficial to marriages even outside of the Church.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Husband and Wife are the Church in their home, with God overseeing the home.
We both have struggled with making Church a priority in our home by semi-regularly attending Sunday mass. However, we both have promised each other that we will make it a priority from now on to ensure we continuously keep God the focus in our marriage and all else will fall into place.
The man must leave his mother and father and is now one with his Wife.
This is pretty self explanatory, but yet the hardest for some men to do, even women. For me the transition came easy as I was already living on my own when I met my husband, but as you may have read in my previous posts it wasn't the easiest thing for my husband to do.
Husband and Wife are first, second is the children (if any) and third is everyone else. If the husband and wife are not a strong unit, the children will notice the disconnect and will give them that perception of what a marriage should be like. This has always been an issue for many marriages, with mom's especially. In our pre-cana class alone there were two mother's who admitted they would tell their spouse that their children came first. The Priest made it a point to correct them and remind us all that when we take a vow to marry our spouse, we vow to put that person first above all else. The man and wife are the head of the household and if they're bond isn't tight-knit, everything else can fall apart.
Be open to affection and acts of love.
Do not put anyone else's preferences on PDA above showing your spouse your love and affection. For me, this has been an issue because of the fear of making those around me uncomfortable with my showing affection to my husband. I now understand that as a man and wife, it's okay to show affection because he is my husband and we are married. A kiss here or there, holding hands, hugging, these are all public forms of affection that are vital in a marriage to always feel loved by one another. Something we have instilled in our relationship from the start has been to always kiss each other good night and good morning, this truly helps to start and end each day on a positive note.
Open communication is key on both parts.
Assuming should be the last thing that is ever done in a marriage. Men shouldn't assume the woman to nag, cry, or be on their menstrual cycle and therefore not take into consideration what they are expressing. Women, do not assume your husbands will read your mind, be open and firm about what you're trying to express or expect. It's truly a blessing that both he and I are extremely open with one another and have great communication. At times there are struggles, but very minimal.
Know where you stand on the desire of a family.
Discussing how many kids you each want, or if you even want kids, is imperative before getting married. You definitely do not want to deceive the other with hopes of a family in the future and have no intention of ever doing so. Know where you stand and ensure your partner is aware as well.
Open talk about finances.
Finances has consistently been the number one issue in marriages. Always know that you are one now and there is no "my money is mine only" it's the money for your home and for your family, which is each other. This, I admit, has been a struggle of mine as well. I've been fortunate to be able to provide for myself for quite some time and having to share was hard for me in the beginning. However, I have learned from the first obstacle my husband faced after being laid off that it was my job to keep us afloat and that I did. I know if the tables were reversed, he'd do the same thing for our marriage.
Defend your spouse always.
Defend them against family (parents, siblings, extended family), friends, and strangers, within good reason of course. This is especially true in the Latino culture, unfortunately, because parents are so used to having their kids so close that they forget to create a life of their own with their own family. A great example given to us by the instructor, was an example of their own marriage and it brought me to tears.
"If your spouse feels disrespected or unwelcome by your family and you make excuses that they're taking it the wrong way or that's just the way they are, then you are taking the side of your family and make your spouse feel alone or on the other side. Instead of making excuses, shield your spouse and tell your family either they respect and treat your spouse with kindness or risk losing communication. Your spouse is your family first now, everyone else is second."
This brought me to tears not only because of the pain I could feel in his wife's eyes as she was standing next to him as he told us the story, but because he himself was in tears just reminiscing the pain he caused his wife all of those years that he was afraid to stand up to his family.
It is no secret that this has been a battle of my own, but I have been reminded constantly to be patient and it has served me well. My husband has slowly but surely defended me and has made it a point to take a stand, whatever means necessary. One thing I would want all families to know when a relative of theirs marries someone and brings them into the family...remember that the new family member is exactly that. A new family member. They are not a random or fling that your relative is casually bringing around, it is their spouse, their partner, and the person who makes them happy.
Never badmouth your spouse.
No one needs to know your marital problems, unless you are confiding in your godparents of vigil, you do not want to risk others seeing your spouse in a negative light. I understand we all need to vent here and there, but keep in mind that those you vent to will always remember what your spouse has done and may hold it against them.
Forget about the social norms regarding your wedding, marriage, and family life.
Live as husband and wife the way God intended, and you will overcome any and all obstacles the marriage faces together as one. A good example the instructor's gave was that of a friend of theirs. In their friend's family it was almost customary that the couple have children soon after getting married. Of course, this is what does happen in many marriages, but for this couple it was nearly expected of them. Ultimately they decided not to give into the demands and expectations of their family, but waited until they were each ready. It's important to always keep your wants and needs first and not let the pressure of those around you persuade you.
Before all of the above, God is first.
God is to be the center of our marriage, the one we lean on during difficult times, our counselor, therapist, our guide. With God, all things are possible. Ensuring that Sunday mass is attended, daily prayers are prayed, and giving thanks for our blessings is essential not only to our marriages, but our everyday lives.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After we walked out of that class we both looked at each other and nearly in tears at this point knew what the other needed from us. Knowing that my husband finally understood my pain in some of the stories and lessons told to us was like being able to finally let out a big exhale. I'm sure the same was for him with the obstacles I too have caused.
Since that day we have tried harder to do better for each other and in our marriage to prepare us for the day next month when we bring God into our marriage.
Saturday, March 4, 2017
A Man Who Treats His Woman Like A Queen, Deserves To Be Treated Like A King
No one in this world is perfect, we all know this as we're told numerous times growing up. However, when you find a person who does anything and everything in their power to make you happy, that is the closest to perfection as we can get.
Daily acknowledgement of how much you mean to them.
My husband and I say "I love you" every morning, as soon as I make it to work, when he texts me on his way home from work, before we go to bed, and numerous times during the day. I know we're told actions speak louder than words, but as a woman it's important to hear those three words for reassurance at times, especially if we're having a bad day. Just knowing your partner never tires of telling you how much they love you is amazing.
Reminds you of how beautiful you are.
Who wouldn't love to be called beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, hot, sexy? I know I do and blessed that my husband tells me I'm one of these at least once a day. In a world where we're constantly given examples of what "beautiful" is, it's nice to be told and have it confirmed that we are in fact beautiful even if we don't look like the models/actors.
Is considerate of your feelings.
Ladies, we all know that during our time of the month we can be a bit on edge and it can alter our normal behavior altogether. If your partner is aware of this and does anything and everything in their power to make you feel the least bit comfortable, that's a blessing. My husband knows when it's almost that time and prepares himself. He knows I love chocolate, so he'll buy me my favorite candy on his way home from work. He knows I get sleepy, so he ensures he's super quiet when getting out of bed so as not to wake me. He knows I am emotionally sensitive, so he tries to be more cautious as to what and how he says things. Men like this don't come around every day and I am aware of that and because of that I cherish him and am grateful for him.
Respects you.
Respect is in my top three of things I expect in my relationship. A relationship without respect is a relationship doomed for failure. If you or your partner don't respect each other than there is no moral ground to stand on and anything is fair game. One of the main issues for me and something I do not tolerate is for a partner to swear at me or call me names. Even when arguments get heated, it's important to remember to walk away before something is said that cannot be forgotten. I've been fortunate enough that my husband and I haven't slipped and crossed that line with one another. I respect him as the man that he is and he respects me for the woman that I am. Mutual respect is essential in any relationship in order for it to be successful.
Last, but not least, puts you first.
This has been one of the biggest things for me in every relationship that I have been in. This is mainly because of watching my dad not put my mom first in their marriage, when in the end, failed after twenty years. My dad put his mother first before his wife, my mom, and not only did it hurt the marriage, it hurt my mom. Now, this is not to say that men shouldn't care for their mothers, but once you marry they must realize their wife is their number one concern and priority on this earth after God (given that he is a Godly man). I made it extremely clear to my now husband that I was not going to come second to anyone but God and wouldn't accept anything less. After some time and numerous heated arguments he finally got the message and that is when I felt comfortable to marry him and begin our lives together as man and wife. I'm sure this is a struggle for many women out there and men as well, but we have to remember that God makes it very clear that a man is to leave his parents and shall join his wife and become one flesh. In addition, men are to love their wives as they love themselves. After about one and a half years of dating my husband he understood that I was serious about this and began to understand the dynamics of the marriage I wanted, the marriage God intended for us to have, and after all of talks with God and prayers, it finally happened. My husband began to put me first, he began to stand up for me, he began to put my needs first, he began to always consider me in every decision he made. In return I was able to give myself freely to him and it has made it much easier to be a more submissive wife.
For all of these reasons and more I try my best to spoil my husband as much as he spoils me. Even if it's the smallest gesture, it'll go a long way.
»Make him his favorite meal.
»Give him a massage.
»Buy him something he's been wanting.
»Send him out for a guy's night.
»Do something he wants to do.
»Go somewhere he's been wanting to go.
»Make him breakfast in bed.
Anything you can do to make him feel special, loved, appreciated, needed, and wanted.
I decided to spoil my husband and gave him a long overdue mini getaway. I found a super cheap Groupon for a one night stay at a hotel downtown. Then while we were there I purchased another Groupon for discounted tickets to a museum we'd never been to. Lastly, I took him to a restaurant he's been wanting to go to that is not only known for their steaks (he loves steak), but is where they tape one of our favorite shows. He loves to walk around and not just be at home, so I figured we could explore and be tourists in our own city, even if it was just for a day and a half. A little bit goes a long way.
Daily acknowledgement of how much you mean to them.
My husband and I say "I love you" every morning, as soon as I make it to work, when he texts me on his way home from work, before we go to bed, and numerous times during the day. I know we're told actions speak louder than words, but as a woman it's important to hear those three words for reassurance at times, especially if we're having a bad day. Just knowing your partner never tires of telling you how much they love you is amazing.
Reminds you of how beautiful you are.
Who wouldn't love to be called beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, hot, sexy? I know I do and blessed that my husband tells me I'm one of these at least once a day. In a world where we're constantly given examples of what "beautiful" is, it's nice to be told and have it confirmed that we are in fact beautiful even if we don't look like the models/actors.
Is considerate of your feelings.
Ladies, we all know that during our time of the month we can be a bit on edge and it can alter our normal behavior altogether. If your partner is aware of this and does anything and everything in their power to make you feel the least bit comfortable, that's a blessing. My husband knows when it's almost that time and prepares himself. He knows I love chocolate, so he'll buy me my favorite candy on his way home from work. He knows I get sleepy, so he ensures he's super quiet when getting out of bed so as not to wake me. He knows I am emotionally sensitive, so he tries to be more cautious as to what and how he says things. Men like this don't come around every day and I am aware of that and because of that I cherish him and am grateful for him.
Respects you.
Respect is in my top three of things I expect in my relationship. A relationship without respect is a relationship doomed for failure. If you or your partner don't respect each other than there is no moral ground to stand on and anything is fair game. One of the main issues for me and something I do not tolerate is for a partner to swear at me or call me names. Even when arguments get heated, it's important to remember to walk away before something is said that cannot be forgotten. I've been fortunate enough that my husband and I haven't slipped and crossed that line with one another. I respect him as the man that he is and he respects me for the woman that I am. Mutual respect is essential in any relationship in order for it to be successful.
Last, but not least, puts you first.
This has been one of the biggest things for me in every relationship that I have been in. This is mainly because of watching my dad not put my mom first in their marriage, when in the end, failed after twenty years. My dad put his mother first before his wife, my mom, and not only did it hurt the marriage, it hurt my mom. Now, this is not to say that men shouldn't care for their mothers, but once you marry they must realize their wife is their number one concern and priority on this earth after God (given that he is a Godly man). I made it extremely clear to my now husband that I was not going to come second to anyone but God and wouldn't accept anything less. After some time and numerous heated arguments he finally got the message and that is when I felt comfortable to marry him and begin our lives together as man and wife. I'm sure this is a struggle for many women out there and men as well, but we have to remember that God makes it very clear that a man is to leave his parents and shall join his wife and become one flesh. In addition, men are to love their wives as they love themselves. After about one and a half years of dating my husband he understood that I was serious about this and began to understand the dynamics of the marriage I wanted, the marriage God intended for us to have, and after all of talks with God and prayers, it finally happened. My husband began to put me first, he began to stand up for me, he began to put my needs first, he began to always consider me in every decision he made. In return I was able to give myself freely to him and it has made it much easier to be a more submissive wife.
For all of these reasons and more I try my best to spoil my husband as much as he spoils me. Even if it's the smallest gesture, it'll go a long way.
»Make him his favorite meal.
»Give him a massage.
»Buy him something he's been wanting.
»Send him out for a guy's night.
»Do something he wants to do.
»Go somewhere he's been wanting to go.
»Make him breakfast in bed.
Anything you can do to make him feel special, loved, appreciated, needed, and wanted.
I decided to spoil my husband and gave him a long overdue mini getaway. I found a super cheap Groupon for a one night stay at a hotel downtown. Then while we were there I purchased another Groupon for discounted tickets to a museum we'd never been to. Lastly, I took him to a restaurant he's been wanting to go to that is not only known for their steaks (he loves steak), but is where they tape one of our favorite shows. He loves to walk around and not just be at home, so I figured we could explore and be tourists in our own city, even if it was just for a day and a half. A little bit goes a long way.
___________________________________________
Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or
any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:25-28
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