I was 14, a sophomore at the time and single. My best friend told me during lunch that his cousin was going to be transferring to our school and started the next day. I didn't think too much of it, but the next day he decided to introduce me to his cousin which I didn't know at the time, but I would be in a long term relationship with this guy.
Bald head, shag (long strand of hair at the bottom), coke nails (long pinky nails), over sized jersey, and baggy pants was standing in front of me as we were standing at the stairs in front of school waiting to get picked up. I'm imagining an image of a rapper popped into your head as this was a typical thug look. His attire did not attract me whatsoever, but he was cute and seemed nice. After meeting him for the first time I knew I liked something about him.
We were friends for a few months and everyone knew I liked him. He hadn't had a girlfriend in almost one year so I figured he was nervous to ask me out. One night at a soccer game he asked me to take a walk with him. "I haven't done this in a really long time..." he muttered as he then begins to walk away from me and then turns back. "I'm really nervous, but um, will you be my girlfriend?" With a sense of relief I told him I had to ask my parents and I would give him my answer the next day. Mind you, he was nervous enough as it is and being the goody two shoes I was I had to be sure my parents would allow it, thankfully they said yes.
The rest of sophomore year and junior year went by and we were on cloud 9. I fell in love with him and he with me. It began as puppy love, but as we grew older we grew to really love one another deeply. It was going great until my senior year, he had already graduated high school and was attending a community college.
He stopped trying to surprise me, making me feel special, and stopped giving me affection. I would express my feelings about it, but he'd always assure me that he'd change, which he would until he noticed I was content and then stop again. This went on for the next 3 years. I would get fed up, tell him, he'd be great for the next few weeks, and stop. It was what seemed like a never ending cycle that I was stuck in. I felt as if I were a hamster in its wheel going nowhere. Yet, there I was. Convincing myself that our love was strong enough to get through it all. I ignored so many signs that I now realize God was sending me to tell me that he was not for me.
In the midst of our relationship I began to grow tired of it all and would accept the attention I would get from other guys. I craved attention and affection like I craved sweets. Looking back I know I was wrong, but at the time I would convince myself that it was okay because I didn't get the attention from my boyfriend so it evened out. I would break up with him for 1-2 days, 1-3 weeks, and the longest was 3 months. Then once I got my fix we'd get back together. Not once did I stop and think how much damage I was doing to our relationship and most importantly, to him. He didn't deserve it just as I didn't deserve to be neglected by him. Yet, we stayed. Why? Comfort. We had been together so long, invested so much time, became a part of each others families...how could we walk away?
The summer of our longest breakup was the final off time we'd ever have. I met this guy who would give me all the attention and affection I craved, took me to new restaurants, would take me on fun and interesting dates...everything I wanted. I was happy at the time of course, but there was still that feeling inside of me that wished I was doing all of that with him. With the man who I knew truly had my heart. When my on and off again boyfriend found out I was dating the same guy for over 2 months something inside of him must have clicked. Maybe he thought he was going to lose me for sure that time, but he began to reach out to me. One day, he asks to meet up and let it all out, giving me a heartfelt speech with tears running down his face as he expressed his love for me. "Him or me? If you choose him, this will be the last time you ever see or speak to me. If you come back to me, we will work on us and try to move pass this," he explained.
Is he serious? My heart is racing, oh my goodness. I cannot lose him. This is finally it, he is going to change. I choose him! I am a terrible person for what I did, but I completely cut off the guy I was dating, didn't respond to his texts or calls, and went back to my love.
By the time it came to our 6th year together it was as if we were an old married couple. Going to the same places, had the same routine, barely told each other we loved each other. We had been off so many times that the trust has dwindled away. He couldn't shake the fact that I had dated that guy and I was still not happy with his lack of affection/attention. Still, we stayed together. We both knew it should have been over long ago, but we were comfortable.
One day in April, now a junior in college, he asked me to skip class that night and spend the day with him. I decided missing one class wouldn't hurt, so I headed to his house after work. I walked inside, as the door was never locked, and walked into the kitchen to say hi to his mom whom I loved dearly. We chatted until he finally came down...in gym clothes. "I'm going to go to the gym for a little with the guys and then we'll do something when I get back," he said.
Are you kidding me? I skipped class for him to leave me alone while he went to the gym? I was fuming, so upset that without thinking I told him we were over, walked out, got into my car, and drove off. Racing home with tears coming down my face all I could think of was how free I felt.
We didn't talk for almost one month, but given that we had so many mutual friends throughout the year we were bound to run into each other. It finally happened in July at our friend's birthday party at a nearby bar/club. We hadn't seen each other so for me seeing him for the first time in almost 3 months my heart and mind were out of control. I missed him, how could I not? I was with this guy for almost all of my teenage years and some, had so many firsts with him, he was my first love.
We said hi and acted as if nothing had changed, hung out with our friends, danced a little, and just had a good time. By the end of the night one of our friends had to go home and he asked if I wanted a ride home since we lived 5 minutes from each other. Oh, yea, did I mentioned we lived 5 minutes from each other? So I let him drive me home and the next thing I knew I woke up in his bedroom....
Ladies, believe me when I say this, if you are broken up and you find yourself in this predicament, PLEASE try very hard to refrain from getting physical. Trust me when I say, it makes the break up even more difficult.
So I wake up, look over at him still sleeping and grab my stuff to leave. He wakes up and asks me where I'm going, I told him home, and he turns around and goes back to sleep. Of course I didn't expect him to ask me to stay and cuddle as I had always been used to, but it did hurt, and I did feel regret. We kept in minimal contact after that with the occasional "hi, how are you" texts, random hookups, etc. Even then I continued to go out and party (this was during my out of control phase I mentioned).
Almost two months later I started to notice I was tired all the time, my boobs were aching, and I was craving chicken nuggets a lot. I didn't think much of it until I was complaining to my mom about and she said her infamous "you better not be pregnant!"
Pregnant? Oh my goodness, I can't be! I quickly sent him a text and asked him to ask him mom, a nurse, if she could please give me a pregnancy test from the clinic. That night we met up so I could get the test when he tells me his mom said to make sure to wait until the next morning to ensure more accurate results. I could barely sleep, so many thoughts running through my mind. How could I be pregnant? And at 21? What will I do?
The next morning I wake up and for a split second almost forgot my dilemma until I went into the restroom and saw the test on the counter. I took the test and laid it on the counter as I went back into my room to wait since I was too nervous to just stare at it for 2 minutes. They were the longest 2 minutes ever, but as soon as it was time I went to check the little test.
Two lines, two very clear lines were staring at me in the face. PREGNANT!
I waited a few minutes in my room as I contemplated how I'd tell my mom. I made my way downstairs, opened her door, turned on the light, and sat on her bed until she woke up. "Good morning mija, why are you up so early?" She asked as she turned around and rubbed her eyes. "I feel blah...""What's wrong, you feel sick?" She asked. "No, I'm pregnant," I said very nonchalant.
My mom, surprisingly, wasn't upset as I imagined she'd be. She asked me if I had taken a test and insisted I take 1-2 more to be sure. So we went to the store and bought a 3 pack. We went home and I took all 3, one-by-one they all came out positive. So my next thought was to call my ex to tell him the news and he said he would be on his way.
He walks in and goes to the kitchen where my mom and I were. "I took 4 tests and all positive," I told him. "Congratulations, you're going to be a dad!" My mom said as she patted him on the back. "Can I talk to you in the living room?" He asked with a straight face.
"We can't keep it, I'm not ready to be a dad, and we're not even together. I'm sorry, but I can't be excited because I don't want any part of it. I'll pay for you to get rid of it and take you, but I just can't right now. I just can't and I don't think you should want to either." He explained.
All I could think about as he was saying this was, how on earth could a person who I gave almost 7 years of my life to be telling me this right now? This is coming from someone who said he loved me with all of his heart? I cannot believe this right now, I think I might puke.
As I sat on the couch crying he just stared in silence. After a couple of minutes he stood up and said, "When you finally decide to get rid of it, make the appointment and let me know the day and time so I can take you. But if you decide otherwise, I'm sorry but I can't do it with you." Then without waiting for a response from me he walked out and left.
This was the big sign I felt God brought upon me to finally show me this wasn't the person He meant for me to be with. In my case he clearly didn't love me enough to do the responsible thing which was to stick by me if I wanted to keep the baby. God is constantly trying to give you signals, but it's up to you if you want to pay attention to them and do something about it. For almost 7 years He signaled red flags but I didn't want to see them. So in my mind I knew He had to do something so drastic that I couldn't miss and finally pay attention to. In my next post I will explain all the details of what happened next.
Remember to value yourself, do not let a partner convince you that them mistreating you is okay. A relationship is 50/50 and if you know damn well that it's not even, then leave. Believe me when I say this, YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND BETTER. There will always be someone in this world full of billions of people who will treat you the way you wanted to be treated. Who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Who will love you the way you love them. Who will treasure you, appreciate you, and make you feel like you are the only person in their world. I know this because I found that person. I found my true love after thinking that I would never find someone who would love me the way my ex did. I'm grateful to God that he put me through that break up because then I wouldn't know how to appreciate the amazing Godly man He sent to me.
Life goes on and so will you. Myself along with millions of others have been there and managed to survive, you will too. =)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
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