For an entire week I debated. If I have the child I will be a single mother and struggle for the rest of my life. The child would not know his father and will have so many issues from the void that I'll know they will try to fill with something else. What will my family think? I mean, I'm 21 and went to college so it's not as bad as being a teen and a high school dropout. How will I manage with work and how could I afford a baby?
During that week I confided in 3 of my closest friends, one of which was a father himself to two beautiful girls. He was so understanding of my situation and comforted me by telling me he'd be there 100% for me and the baby. My other friend from high school said he too would be there. My mom was so incredibly supportive that she said she would help me out as much as she could. She'd let me live at her house, she'd make the extra bedroom a nursery, she would help by watching the baby when I was at work. She made it a point that I knew she would help me as long as I took responsibility and wasn't one of those mothers who left their baby to their mom to watch while they went out and partied. That would not have been the case with me, but she needed to be sure I knew just in case.
I had the support of everyone who was close to me. The only thing I felt necessary was to at least tell my dad. We weren't close, but I knew it would hurt him deeply if I didn't tell him. So one day I asked him if we could meet up and talk.
My dad came by my house and picked me up. He said we could talk at the park since it was a nice day out. "So what's so important you wanted to tell me in person?" He asked with that look on his face that I knew so well, he was worried, but said it jokingly as he did with everything. "I don't know how to tell you..." I said softly without making eye contact. "Let me guess, you're pregnant?" He seemed to ask as a joke, but also seemed afraid to hear the answer. "Yes, actually I am."
We just sat there for a few minutes in silence. "If it's your ex's I hope you know that you shouldn't keep it," my dad said as he finally broke the silence. "You have your entire life ahead of you and you and him aren't good together. That wouldn't be fair to the baby to grow up with parents who aren't meant to be together and argue all of the time." "He wants me to get rid of it, he doesn't want to keep it, I think it's because he doesn't want any ties to me at all," I told him. "Well I agree, if you need me to be there I will, just let me know," that was the last thing my dad said and all I needed to hear.
The next day I was still going back-and-forth on what to do. I was feeling so sick, sicker than usual, and I noticed that I started to bleed. I'm not on my period and this is a lot of blood, more than I'm used to. Oh my goodness, I think something is wrong. So many thoughts rushed in my mind. "Mom, I need to go to the hospital, I'm bleeding a lot!" At that same moment my mom began to feel sick, I believe it might have been from the stress, and we were afraid she might have had a stroke. So there we go, my mom and I both being admitted to the ER. I called my sister and she called my ex to come along.
I'm laying on the hospital bed feeling so uncomfortable and scared because I hate hospitals and I could think of was how I wished my mom was there and hoping she was okay. First nurse comes in to hook me up to the IV. Second nurse comes in to draw blood, which that in itself is the worst for me as I faint when I see my blood. Then the doctor comes in and tells me that I am 6 weeks pregnant and have lost a substantial amount of blood. "We're going to have to do an ultra sound to see if the baby is okay. Have you been taking care of yourself and taking prenatal vitamins daily?" The doctor asks with a concerned look on his face. "No, I didn't even know I was pregnant until a week ago, I'm 6 weeks? Oh my goodness, I didn't even know. I have been drinking...a lot!"
At only 6 weeks the baby is too small to be seen through a normal ultra sounds over the stomach so they'd have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I endured so much pain for the next 6 hours as I waited for my bladder to be emptied by having a catheter placed. Once empty I was ready for the ultrasound. As I sat there I waited to hear a heartbeat, there was nothing. I asked the doctor and she said it was normal. Finally I was done and the doctor came back and said I could go home but I would have to take extra care of myself to ensure no more bleeding and that I had to take my prenatal vitamins.
Finally back home I plopped down on the couch and it just hit me like a ton of bricks...I wasn't ready to be a mom. For the last 6 weeks I had been drinking almost every weekend (my partying stage) and not taking care of myself at all. For all I knew the bleeding was a sign that something was wrong with the baby and I told myself I couldn't live with the guilt if I had done something to the baby that would effect them for the rest of its life. I grabbed my laptop and researched abortion clinics. Without telling anyone I called Planned Parenthood and made an appointment for the following Thursday.
The night before the abortion my ex asked if it was okay to spend the night at my mom's since the appointment was at 6am the next morning. Morning came and I was awoken by my alarm. I woke up my mom and my ex, then called my dad who said he would go also. Just before leaving the house I began to tear. My ex asked if I was okay and when I told him I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing he said, "it'll be fine, before you know it you'll be back home and everything will be back to normal."
There we were...my mom, me, my ex and my dad in that order waiting in the waiting room. The wait seemed so long as I sat there with such sadness in my heart. How could my ex not have tried to stop me? Was our relationship all a lie? "Alexis Pelayo, we're ready for you," a nurse called out. I got up and proceeded to the elevator, scared to the point that I felt the need to pee and sad because no one was allowed to be with me during the procedure.
They bring you down to a basement, yes a basement, as if it isn't scary enough they have to send you down to a dungeon-like area. They handed me a CD player which was weird in itself as I hadn't used one in years with iPods now the new IT thing. I pressed play and listened to all of the warnings, side effects, and what not to do after an abortion. Once that was done they had me speak with a counselor in a tiny room where they proceeded to ask me if anyone was forcing me to do it, explained to me the procedure, and showed me the instruments that would be used. The instruments themselves seemed so scary, but I had chosen to be put to sleep so that I wouldn't feel or remember anything. Once they clear you they send you to have blood drawn. The last step is to have an ultrasound done. "Would you like to keep the picture of your baby?" Asked the nurse. Are you kidding me right now? I'm about to have an abortion and you're asking me if I want to keep a picture as a memento of what I'm about to do? "No," I said.
It was time, I was asked to undress and put on a robe. As I got on the table all I could do was pray. Lord please forgive me for what I am about to do. Please I beg of you to forgive me of my actions. "It's going to be okay sweetie, just relax and count to 10 for me," the nurse was ready to put me to sleep and held my hand to comfort me.
My stomach is in so much pain! Where am I? How in the world am I dressed? Who dressed me? Is it over? Where's my mom? I woke up in a completely different room, completely dressed, and was covered with a blanket. On my blanket was a clear bag with pads that my mom had brought as your told to bring pads for after the procedure. "Hi honey, would you like me to call your mother down?" The nurse at the desk asked as she noticed I was now awake, "you've been out for quite a bit, just wait for you mom okay honey." Finally I see my mom come through the door and suddenly I felt like a child again. Tears running down my cheeks and I couldn't be happier to see my mom come over to me, hug me, ask me if I was okay.
The entire car ride home I was quiet, tearing the entire time. What have I just done? Did I make a huge mistake? God will you ever forgive me?
August 25, 2011 I will never forget it. Next month it'll be 3 years since my abortion. Each time I watch a movie, read a book, or see anything that has to do with abortions I can't but cry. The following March my mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, and I went to watch a movie neither of had heard of because it was the only thing playing, October Baby. If you haven't watched it yet, I highly suggest you do. It's a movie about a girl in her late teens who finds out that the reason for so many of her health issues is because she was never meant to live. Her birth mother tried to have her aborted, but she ended up surviving because a nurse didn't want the doctor to notice the baby was alive and have to kill her. In her journey to find her birth mother she meets the nurse who saved her and gave her to her adopted parents. The nurse tells her the gory details of the botched abortion. When she finally finds her birth mother, who is now a successful lawyer who married and had a daughter, she tells her that she has nothing to say and leaves with her husband and daughter.
That movie had me bawling like a baby at the theater, so much that I had to walk out and say I was going to the restroom so they wouldn't notice. No one knew except my mom and I knew if they saw how emotional I was they'd suspect something. That movie gave me an inside look of the effect it had on the girl who shouldn't have survived the abortion and how much pain she was in. Seeing how the birth mom reacted just hit me hard.
After my abortion I began going to church, reading the Bible more often, finding my own way on how to seek forgiveness from God. Has He forgiven me? The Bible says we have a forgiving God and with repentance we are forgiven, so I want to believe He has. I do not regret my decision as I know that poor baby would have suffered due to my being irresponsible with drinking so much and not taking care of myself. However, if I had the chance to talk to each young woman who is pregnant and feels lost I would tell them not to have an abortion if they didn't feel 100% sure. I would tell them that they are not alone, that I understand the feeling, and I know the pain.
There are many physical side effects after the abortion that may include stomach pain, cramping, bleeding, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Most of these side effects are things most women go through during a menstrual cycle so it's not unbearable, but it's the non-physical side effects a woman should worry about. Here is a list of emotional and psychological side effects after an abortion from a site I visited myself after my abortion to search for answers.
Click here for website
- Regret
- Anger
- Guilty feelings
- Shame
- Sense of loneliness or isolation
- Loss of self confidence
- Insomnia or nightmares
- Relationship issues
- Suicidal thoughts and feelings
- Eating disorders
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Previous emotional or psychological issues
- Have been coerced, forced or persuaded to get an abortion
- Individuals with religious beliefs that conflict with abortion
- Individuals with moral or ethical views that conflict with abortion
- Individuals who obtain an abortion in the later stages of pregnancy
- Individuals without support from significant others or their partner
- Women obtaining an abortion for genetic or fetal abnormalities
Although I know that God has forgiven me, I do fear that when I do want to have children that I won't be able to. I fear that because of my actions God won't ever let me be a mom. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith. My faith in God that He knows I am truly sorry and understand the great sin I committed.
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For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 6:14-15If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9
- Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, -Acts 3:19
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