Now do not get me wrong I am all for men treating their mom's with respect and knowing they love and care for them, but there needs to be a line drawn. If you are dealing with a momma's boy then you are for sure dealing with the mother-in-law. Let me just say, it's probably the bulk of the problems my boyfriend and I had in the beginning of our relationship and something I wasn't accustomed to.
It could be the fact that my boyfriend didn't move out of his parents house until he was 28, or the fact that his mother feels the need to be in every one's business, or just the fact that he's her oldest son. Whatever the case may be, it was a problem I noticed in the beginning and a problem that took me a year to finally see a change.
I'm not a mother yet so I know that I have no right in telling someone how to raise their child, but one thing I do know is that I liked my parents style of letting go. Letting go of their adult child is something I feel my parents did wonderfully. I'm sure their divorce had a lot to do with it because they were both so wrapped up in their own lives and putting together their individual pieces that my sister and I were unknowingly put to the side, but either way I am grateful they let me go. My mom allowed me to move out at 23 with a friend even though she said it was a bad idea, she wanted me to learn for myself. I definitely realized she was right when I came back home only 4 months later. She was kind enough to let me stay with her until I found my own place 3 months after. My dad didn't really have much of a choice as he wasn't involved much in my life.
Living on my own at 23 allowed me to become an independent person. Paying my own bills that now included rent, food, household products, utilities, etc. Being an adult is not fun at all, but I am so grateful that my parents had me learn at a young age so that I was capable of dealing with what life throws at you and not freak out as the years go by. With living on my own came spending a lot of time alone. So much time that sometimes it'd make me go crazy, but I needed it. Everyone in my family had their own lives. My dad was with his new family, new baby girl. My mom was busy with her job and getting herself together. My sister was busy working and going to school. So that left me, alone.
Now my boyfriend on the other hand did not face any of that until he and I moved in together. When he and I started dating and he was still living at home I received nothing but love and warm welcome from his immediate family. As soon as we moved in together it was a different story. Not only was it hard for his parents to let go, but it was a tough transition for him too, financially. We were hit with such a financial crisis as he was laid off from his job and I carried the weight of our finances. Being a man I know it was difficult for him to cope with, but when you love someone you are there in good and bad times. His parents of course didn't realize the financial troubles we were in and the stress I had on my shoulders to carry the weight so they viewed me as the bad guy as to why their son wasn't visiting them often. Mind you, his family lives one hour away and the gas and money we spend is more than what I can afford so we did pull back on the number of times we visit.
At the same time my family and I started to actually spend time together. My parents and sister knew our financial struggles so they invited both he and I out and would pay. With his family not knowing our situation I understand how it might look and boy did his mom make it known that she wasn't too happy. She went from telling us she couldn't wait for us to get married to well who knows if you'll stay together.
For me personally, this has been the most amazing year so far as I have received all of the blessings I once lost tenfold. I was blessed with a man who loves me as much as I love him, blessed to have my dad back in my life, blessed to have a strong relationship with my mom, blessed with another baby sister and step brother, blessed to consider my sister my best friend, blessed with a new career that makes me happy, and blessed with a second job that came at the right time for us financially. As I am appreciating and enjoying the blessings in my life it was hard to ignore the negativity his family, mom especially, would throw in the mix.
You spend so much time with her family, why don't you come visit us often (every weekend is what they expected), you're too busy spending time with your new family (meaning mine), don't forget you have a family too. Every time they would say something like this to him I knew it would hurt him, and it hurt me too. However, it wasn't as if it would be months in between that we'd visit. It would be at least once or twice a month. Also, I didn't understand why it was so terrible if I would last months without seeing my parents because we have busy lives and they understood that, they didn't make me feel bad for it.
This of course bothered me and I would tell him that he needed to make them understand the situation we were in and that we couldn't go every single weekend as they wanted us to. I did blame him in a way because he didn't nip it in the bud sooner, but I understand it was hard for him because he didn't want to hurt them. I just wanted him to understand, I wanted him to know my pain that they didn't understand. The way I viewed it was that his family had him for 28 years of his life, seeing him almost every single day and now it was my turn. I didn't have the ability to see my parents everyday because of the divorce, because they were busy getting their own lives together. My sister and I haven't lived in the same house since I was 20. So now here is my year, my year to have everything back in my life that I felt was once taken and all I could think of was that his family couldn't understand. They have no idea what it's like to have to split holidays, birthdays, etc. with each parent. No idea what it feels like to work two jobs, work 7 days a week, and not be able to spend quality time with my boyfriend whom I live with. Lastly and probably the thing that irritated me most was that they had no idea what it was like to work harder for both him and I so that he could focus on his career. Working two jobs so that he wouldn't have to get a second job that would distract him from working out or studying to pass the police exams.
With all of that, I couldn't have time to enjoy what makes me happy? I just couldn't take it anymore. It came to hearing that they felt I was controlling. That is when I couldn't take anymore and had to put my foot down. My boyfriend is now a grown 30 year old man who has his own life now. This doesn't mean he has to leave his family, but I just couldn't deal with being the one to blame for him not being there as often as they'd like him to. After months of telling him he needed to stand up to his mom who constantly made him feel bad for "forgetting" his family, he did it. All I wanted was for them to understand that we are now starting our own life and we know that we want to be together for the rest of our lives so we want to start on the right foot. This meaning that his family needs to realize we can't always be there and not to make him feel bad for it.
I couldn't stand the fact that his mom felt that she had a say in certain things and it made me feel I had to compete with her. Let me tell you, that is the worst feeling in the world. I didn't go through hell and back in my previous relationships only to come second in this one. I needed him to know that I wasn't going to deal with it. I've come to far to not be number one in someones life, especially since I put him first in mine.
There are no words to describe how proud I was of him to finally stand up to them, to finally stand up for me. I'm not a bad person who wants to keep him away from his family, but I just want to be given my time too. One thing we have been doing lately is reading the Bible in attempt to grow closer to God and lead better lives. In the Bible it says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.- Genesis 2:24. As I'm mentioned before, we know marriage is in our future so I wanted to be sure he made it known that once we're married and have our family things would change.
All I want is for us both to have healthy and loving relationship with our families and understanding when we can't always be there. I do believe they needed to learn to let go of their son earlier, but we can't change the past. All we can do is work on creating a better and happier future. If there's one thing I learned from this experience is patience. Patience when dealing with his family. Patience in dealing with his timing on standing up to them. Things have gotten so much better and they now understand that we can't always be there.
There are a few tips I've learned with dealing with a momma's boy...
- When dealing with his mom you have to tell him how you feel and he has to be the one to correct it, not you.
- Kill them with kindness, there's nothing greater than being nice to those who try to bring you down.
- Don't let it get to you. This was a tough one and the longest lesson it took me to learn. I had to realize at the end of the day he comes home to me.
- Learn to accept it.
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