Self-Pity, Cancer of the Soul

We all have that one thing that we've been through in life that we seem to forever use as our crutch. It doesn't even have to be an event, it can be the result of the actions of your loved ones that can alter our way of doing things also.

I've been meaning to write about this topic and just kept getting distracted. Well today while reading my book, Uplifting Thoughts for Every Day, the message resonated with me.

Think of yourself as a healer, not as a victim.

Self-pity is the cancer of the soul. You are called to be a healer, not a complainer. Be like Jesus. Think of others. Start pondering your mission in life. Call upon the Lord to make you a healer. Begin by canceling any thoughts you have about being a victim. Snap out of it.

In my case, for example, my parents are divorced and coming from a divided family one might say that I'd have the mentality that I don't want to get married because of that. That was the case for quite some time. I thought, I don't want to end up like my parents...but that was before I met Mando. Instead of feeling sorry about my situation, or the fact that I will never see my parents together again, I focus on what has been gained. I now have a beautiful and very energetic baby sister, I have the pleasure of knowing my mom isn't alone and is in fact being taken care of by Mike, who is amazing to her. Things happen and sometimes people aren't meant to be together, but that doesn't mean that will be my fate.

So your parents are divorced, they couldn't provide for you growing up, one of them is an addict, they didn't give you affection, you didn't have what your friends had growing up, you didn't have a lavish lifestyle....whatever the case may you, you are still here. Everyone has gone through something in life, even those who seem to have it all together. It's how you handle it and move forward that decides your future. The important thing is that you realize that it doesn't YOU as a person. You are not your parents, you are not your friends, you are you.

If you grew up seeing someone waste away their lives or making wrong decisions, be glad you were able to be the witness and not the person going through it. Be glad that you were able to witness such things that you can grow from, learn from, and be sure not to make the same mistakes. If you choose to pity yourself and say, well this is what I went through as a child, that is not and should not be an excuse. You are your own person, no one defines you, no one should tell you this is how you will live your life. You have the power to change the circumstances you are in.

I find that people who use such excuses knowing they are well aware that they have such point of views due to circumstances in their lives, it's a crutch. I have people close to me who gamble, is an addict, is a cheater, has committed crimes, and many others who do wrong. Does this give me a reason to be any one of those? Absolutely not. What do I do? I stay away from gambling, rarely drink (most certainly don't do it to get drunk), stay faithful, and remain a law abiding citizen. Why do I do these things, because I have seen what happens when people in my life have done wrong. I have witnessed them lose their family, lose their life's work, do time in jail, have trouble finding jobs because of it, and just struggle in general.

Although you may have been effected by it whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally it still isn't a situation that you yourself should jump into because you believe it's inevitable. Look at it as your chance to persevere, do better for yourself, and say "yea I have been through this, but guess what, it didn't break me." So many times I hear excuses about why people make certain decisions and all I can say to myself in my head is "excuses, excuses, excuses." The person who is making those mistakes isn't telling you to do the same, they're not forcing you to make the same mistakes, so make the right choice to do better.

Take a look at yourself, your past, your present, your trials and tribulations and tell yourself that you will not let it bring you down. Tell yourself that you will use that pain, struggle, and anger to fuel your motivation to do better. No one is perfect, but we can all try to better ourselves one way or another. The sooner you rid yourself of that negative energy, the sooner you allow God to do His work in you and bring light into your life. The longer you let that negative energy linger, that negative attitude will stay and you will draw nothing but the negative into your life. Let God shine that light in you and witness His miracles come to life. I have, and it is the most beautiful thing.

Weathering the Storm

Dear God,

I'm trying my best, but I need some rest. I'm tired and drained, will you please renew my emotionally beat heart? Will you restore my mind? Will you breathe life into me? God, take who I made and replace it with who you created me to be.

I stumbled upon this prayer on Pinterest (so addicting)  and I couldn't help but feel this is the prayer I needed most at that exact moment. For so many years I've told myself I had to be strong. I had to be strong as a teen for my sister during the divorce, I had to be strong for my mom during the moments she needed my dad the most and he wasn't there, and in the previous relationships and current one I've had to be strong for the sake of the relationship. Because I've had to be strong for so many years and haven't had the privilege of being taken care of, it's been weighing me down emotionally and spiritually.

As a Catholic I haven't been the greatest, I admit. I go through phases when I'm heavily into Sunday masses and prayer, then others when prayer is all there is. I've noticed during my hard times is when I do not attend Church, although I realize that's when I need it most. I do, however, make it a point to thank God daily for every single thing he has blessed me with from waking up to having socks to wear. In my mind as long as He knows I am grateful for what He's given me, I pray that He continues to bless me daily.

Even after everything I have been through in my past it seems I still have a lot to learn. Currently the obstacle is financial. I'm sure the lesson I will learn from this will make me a better and stronger woman, but just going through the storm is what has been difficult. Financial stress is something I know that everyone deals with. It isn't the first time I've gone through financial stress and I'm sure it won't be the last.

One thing I have been utterly amazed with is how strong prayers are. Each and every time that I have gone through financial troubles, and I mean barely had enough for groceries at times, God always came through. There would be days when I didn't have anything for lunch and it would just so happen that we would have free lunch at work that day. There was even an entire week that we had lunch catered for the employees and it was the week before payday.

So many times I'd cry myself to sleep praying to be strong, to have patience, and to trust God that things would turn around. Talking to God is what keeps me sane and knowing that He listens only keeps the hope alive.

One thing I have learned out of this is that I may not be rich monetarily, I am incredibly rich in other blessings. "Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶ For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. ¹⁷ The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever." -1 John 2:15-17

If you are currently struggling financially I encourage you to take a step back, take a good look at your life, and realize the blessings that you do have. If you have a place to sleep at night, you're blessed. If you have food to eat everyday, you're blessed. If you are healthy, you're blessed. If you have family, you're blessed. If you have a job, a car, a phone, a roof over your head, etc. you are blessed. 

It took me a long time to realize that God wanted me to see what it is I DO have in my life versus constantly wanting to make more money. It's the little things in life that are what matter most. 
 

Family Matters

So many times we hear that our family is crazy, which family isn't, etc. Well as it may be true in most, if not all cases, we all have something we'd like to change in our family.

Instead of focusing on what is wrong or what we'd like to change, I've realized there is a greater need to focus on the positive. Many times we forget to tell those we care about that we love them and appreciate them before it's too late. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to slow down a little to really soak in our loved ones who might not be around much longer.

When my grandpa passed away it wasn't something that was sudden. Paye is what we called him because my cousin and I couldn't pronounce Padre which was the proper form of Father in Spanish. My Paye, as I always mention, was the most amazing man I've had the privilege and blessing of having in my life. He was a real man, a man of his word, a man who took care of his family in every way possible. He did have his faults as he did divorce from his first wife and remarried my grandmother, but he always made sure his children from his first marriage were taken care of even if they didn't know it.

Growing up I always wanted to have conversations with Paye and my grandma about their past. Everything about their story fascinated me and I wanted to know more. Since Paye mainly spoke Spanish I made it my mission to practice more, taught myself how to write and read in Spanish (this definitely surprised my parents). I did this in order to be able to converse with them, write them letters to show how much I appreciated and loved them, and just have a closer relationship with them.

When my Paye passed away after almost 11 years of battling cancer and finally succumbing after getting shingles, I didn't feel as though I missed out in anything. I took full advantage of the 22 years I was able to spend with him and man were they happy years. My grandpa made me feel like the most special little girl in the world by constantly telling me how proud he was of me and how he knew I'd be successful. I was his little Buddhita (little Buddha) because I was so chunky as a baby. Paye was especially there for me when my dad and I were at our worst, and that to me meant the world.

With that being said, it has always been a point for me to appreciate my family. Even with all of the problems we have, the arguments, disagreements, disappointments, and everything in between, but they are my family. In the last almost 25 years of mine I have gone through countless friends, I've been blessed to keep in touch with a handful, but so many have come and gone. However, those who have stayed consistent have been my family.

Starting with my parents. There have been numerous times in which we've gotten so upset with each other we didn't talk for days, but in the end they're my parents. They did their best as teenage parents to raise me, feed me, provide all they could for me. For my mom being 17 and my dad being 20, they really matured faster than most their age to be the best parents they could be for me. Even when my sister was born 4.5 years later, they worked harder to give us everything they didn't have as kids. My sister and I had such a wonderful childhood filled with more trips to Disney World than many families combined, birthday parties filled with gifts, holidays filled with presents, a great education at a private Catholic school, and all of the love and affection they had to give.

My sister, who let me just say is such a strong woman, has definitely been one of the greatest blessings I received when I was 4. I was so excited when my mom was pregnant with her and once she was born it was as if she was my own. I would change her, feed her, bathe her, and just want to be with her all of the time. Now, 20 years later, I am so proud and grateful for the young woman she has become. Being only 20, she has the mature mind of a 30 year old. She has always been there for me through my teenage boy drama, college stress, and when I moved out on my own. Each other was all we had during my parents divorce that seemed to last years. I couldn't have asked for a more loving and caring sister than her and now we have been blessed to add our baby sister and step brother.

Stemming out to my immediate family, I've been blessed to have aunts and uncles who have been so caring and supportive. My cousins who were my first friends, especially the cousin I grew up with, Mari. Even now as adults, it has become apparent that my mom, sister, and cousins have been my closest and most loyal friends a person could have.

So whenever you catch yourself getting annoyed or wishing your family was different, remember that they are the only family you have in this life. Your parents will always love you, your siblings will always be there for you, and your family will always support you. If there's one main thing I must admit that I've learned over the years...it's that (and it always pains me to admit)...mom is always right! haha Time and time again my mom has warned me about certain people, warned me about certain situations, yet each time I didn't listen. What means the most to me is that she still let me make my own decision and supported it even when she knew it wouldn't work out the way I thought it would. One thing she did always love to remind me of though is that, your mother is always right. ;) 

                                                                                                                                                      
 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” -Ephesians 6:1-4

Appreciating Your Man

It is definitely apparent that we are no longer in the era where the man was the head of the household for every family structure. With women being more independent and waiting longer to marry or have kids, it's definitely given us women the upper hand in what happens in our lives. That includes when we are in a relationship. 

I am an educated 24 year old who started working at 14, studied journalism at DePaul University, bought my own car at 20, moved out on my own at 23, landed my first job at a big media company at 22, now work for the most respected and established media and publishing company in Chicago, and I pay all of my own bills. I would definitely consider myself an independent woman who hasn't had to rely on a man to take care of me in any way possible. 

With that being said, I haven't always been the most tolerable woman to date. I've mentioned that I was mean to my ex of almost 7 years and I truly believe it was because I knew I didn't need him. He was not as motivated as I was to move up in life and he was very much content with staying at his job that still paid him only $9/hour at the age of 21. Of course this isn't a bad thing at all, but having been at the same company for years I expected he'd want more. By the time I was 18yrs old I was making over $10/hour and would always strive to move up the ladder and make more money. I would be the one to pay each time we went out, he never took me out to any nice restaurants unless I planned it, and quite frankly he wasn't the ideal man I wanted for myself. 

The way I viewed it was that if I was a hardworking, educated, and independent woman who didn't expect for a man to take care of me in anyway then I'd want for the man to be on the same level. Since I don't expect to be taken care of financially, my desire was to be taken care of emotionally. However, one of the hardest aspect I've had to deal with being an independent woman has been submitting/subjecting myself to the man. 

To be honest I wasn't quite fond when I was reading the Bible and came across Ephesians 5:22, Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. That is the interpretation in the New American Bible, but in older versions they use submit instead of be subject to. I didn't want to understand naturally being the woman I am, but after God sent me a man who made it easy for me to want to do so is when I began to understand. 

In many cases that I have encountered in my own circle is that the man is the breadwinner who provides for his own. This meaning that the man pays for the major bills such as rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc. Although the woman might work they don't have to worry about whether bills are getting paid. In this situation I see that women are still mistreating their men, talking bad about them, bringing them down. I have yet to experience being taken care of or not having to worry about paying any bills, but I do try to give my person the respect he deserves. I do get frustrated at times, but I refrain from belittling him and making him less of a man. 

When I notice that I have an attitude and acting more mean than usual I just remember why I love him. Before he came into my life I prayed to have a man who gave me his all, who loved me unconditionally, who showed me affection, who was loyal, honest, caring, considerate, attentive, and most of all loved me with all of my flaws. God gave me all of that and more when Mando came into my life. That definitely helps me to take a step back and realize what I have. I truly appreciate the man I was blessed with. 

When you catch yourself wanting to bad mouth your man just remember the following...

If your man is going to work each day to provide for you and your children (if applicable)...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man pays the majority of the bills and your main priorities are the groceries/small items...BE GRATEFUL.

If your man does all the "manly work" around the house such as taking out the trash, fixing broken things, changing light bulbs, etc...BE GRATEFUL.

If your man comes home to you each night after a long day at work...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man tells you he loves you each day and tells you your beautiful...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man takes you out whenever there is time to show you how much he loves you...BE GRATEFUL. 

If for any reason other than what I have mentioned above makes you realize that you have a wonderful man, who although has flaws just like you do, loves you as you love them then be grateful. 

                                                                                                                                                      

Ephesians 5:22-33

Marriage Like Christ and the Church

²² Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. ²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body. ³¹ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ³² This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

TrichotilloWhat?

Trichotillomania is a hair-pulling disorder that 3.4% of adults, mainly women, are diagnosed with according to Psychiatric Times. Medically considered an impulse control disorder, it is something that is uncontrollable. Not only are you not able to control it, you don't even know you're doing it at times. This hair pulling disorder can mean that a person is pulling out hair primarily from their scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, or any other part of the body. 
I started with trichotillomania when I was about 12 years old. My parents were the ones who noticed it first as I was doing homework and pulling my eyebrow hair at the same time. What you are you doing? My mom asked me with a shocked look on her face. Oh, I didn't even realize I was pulling my hair! I said as I was just as shocked as she was. 
It's been 13 years since then and it's a disorder I still battle each and every day. I would go through phases when it was so bad that I had to color in my eyebrow because I literally would pull the entire last half. I would have to say that up until this last year it's calmed down. I still pull here and there, but I notice that it happens most when I am stressed. As I mentioned earlier this past year has been filled with so many blessings that the stress that does come my way is easily forgotten and overshadowed by my happiness. 
The worst part about having trichotillomania is that there is no treatment for it. There are organizations that can help you deal with it as you'd go see a therapist to talk over your problems with, but no medial cure. For me it was something hereditary, as my mom also has it and has been suffering with it for much longer than me. It is comparable to a bad habit such as biting your nails or grinding your teeth, but this definitely causes more emotional stress. This being that once you pull all of your hair you feel ashamed, embarrassed, regretful, and frustrated. However, during the actual pulling it's like a great sense of releasing stress, it's incredibly hard to explain and even harder to understand. 
In my situation, the pain feel so good. Sometimes I knowingly do it because I am stressed at work to feel better and release stress. It's that feeling of relief like having an itch and scratching it. Most times I do it unknowingly if I'm bored, tired, or stressed. It is known that those who have trichotillomania often times may have other disorders such as depression, anxiety, or obsessive compulsive disorder. It just so happens in my case I've had all three in the span of my 24 years. 
I suffered from depression when my parents were in the midst of their separation/divorce and when my grandfather passed. I suffer from anxiety from time to time due to an unknown heart condition I have where I feel like my heart skips a beat and I can't catch my breath. It's something I've dealt with since sophomore year of high school. 3 heart monitors and various tests later, still no answer as to what it is. Lastly, I do have OCD when it comes to certain things.
What keeps me going is knowing that my health issues are not life threatening and could be worse. Although the heart thing might be in the future, I am healthy now and that's all that matters.

Here are 12 facts provided by the website Pull Free at Last Trichotillimania to help you understand the disorder a bit more beyond my personal description:

1. The majority of Trichotillomania sufferers are girls and women, though men and boys suffer with Trichotillomania, as well.
2. Most suffer in silence and hiding, terribly embarrassed by the disfiguring condition.
3. Compulsive hair pullers typically pull just one hair at a time. 
4. Some compulsive hair pullers pull hair out for hours each day.
5. Many compulsive hair pullers wear hats, wigs, false eyelashes and makeup to cover their missing hair, eyebrows or eyelashes.
6. Some compulsive hair pullers experience times of spontaneous relief from the condition, only to have it return again months or years later.
7. There are no statistics on the number of children suffering with the problem.
8. Children as young as 12 months old have been reported to compulsively pull hair.
9. Trichotillomania is NOT an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  Trichotillomania is medically classified as an Impulse Control Disorder.
10. There currently is no medical cure for Trichotillomania.
11. There currently is no medication or medical or psychological therapy that consistently provides long term relief from Trichotillomania. Nor does hypnosis or Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) consistently provide sufferers with relief.
12. Some child and adult hair pullers ingest hair, which can cause a dangerous, intestinal blockage called a “trichobezoar.”  Those who ingest hair should be evaluated by a medical doctor.

This just goes to show that you never know what a person may be going through. I used to be so cruel, so harsh, and judgmental by assuming things of others. Yet, I never stopped to think what others assume of me. With this knowledge of something you might not know people suffer with, it'd be nice to think twice next time before assuming and/or judging someone for something you may not understand.

He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God's sight.- Luke 16:15

You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one.- John 8:15

Cutting the Umbilical Cord

If there is one thing I cannot stand in this world aside from people chewing with their mouths open (yes I know it's silly, but it's aggravating) it is definitely dating a momma's boy.

Now do not get me wrong I am all for men treating their mom's with respect and knowing they love and care for them, but there needs to be a line drawn. If you are dealing with a momma's boy then you are for sure dealing with the mother-in-law. Let me just say, it's probably the bulk of the problems my boyfriend and I had in the beginning of our relationship and something I wasn't accustomed to.

It could be the fact that my boyfriend didn't move out of his parents house until he was 28, or the fact that his mother feels the need to be in every one's business, or just the fact that he's her oldest son. Whatever the case may be, it was a problem I noticed in the beginning and a problem that took me a year to finally see a change.

I'm not a mother yet so I know that I have no right in telling someone how to raise their child, but one thing I do know is that I liked my parents style of letting go. Letting go of their adult child is something I feel my parents did wonderfully. I'm sure their divorce had a lot to do with it because they were both so wrapped up in their own lives and putting together their individual pieces that my sister and I were unknowingly put to the side, but either way I am grateful they let me go. My mom allowed me to move out at 23 with a friend even though she said it was a bad idea, she wanted me to learn for myself. I definitely realized she was right when I came back home only 4 months later. She was kind enough to let me stay with her until I found my own place 3 months after. My dad didn't really have much of a choice as he wasn't involved much in my life. 

Living on my own at 23 allowed me to become an independent person. Paying my own bills that now included rent, food, household products, utilities, etc. Being an adult is not fun at all, but I am so grateful that my parents had me learn at a young age so that I was capable of dealing with what life throws at you and not freak out as the years go by. With living on my own came spending a lot of time alone. So much time that sometimes it'd make me go crazy, but I needed it. Everyone in my family had their own lives. My dad was with his new family, new baby girl. My mom was busy with her job and getting herself together. My sister was busy working and going to school. So that left me, alone. 

Now my boyfriend on the other hand did not face any of that until he and I moved in together. When he and I started dating and he was still living at home I received nothing but love and warm welcome from his immediate family. As soon as we moved in together it was a different story. Not only was it hard for his parents to let go, but it was a tough transition for him too, financially. We were hit with such a financial crisis as he was laid off from his job and I carried the weight of our finances. Being a man I know it was difficult for him to cope with, but when you love someone you are there in good and bad times. His parents of course didn't realize the financial troubles we were in and the stress I had on my shoulders to carry the weight so they viewed me as the bad guy as to why their son wasn't visiting them often. Mind you, his family lives one hour away and the gas and money we spend is more than what I can afford so we did pull back on the number of times we visit. 

At the same time my family and I started to actually spend time together. My parents and sister knew our financial struggles so they invited both he and I out and would pay. With his family not knowing our situation I understand how it might look and boy did his mom make it known that she wasn't too happy. She went from telling us she couldn't wait for us to get married to well who knows if you'll stay together. 

For me personally, this has been the most amazing year so far as I have received all of the blessings I once lost tenfold. I was blessed with a man who loves me as much as I love him, blessed to have my dad back in my life, blessed to have a strong relationship with my mom, blessed with another baby sister and step brother, blessed to consider my sister my best friend, blessed with a new career that makes me happy, and blessed with a second job that came at the right time for us financially. As I am appreciating and enjoying the blessings in my life it was hard to ignore the negativity his family, mom especially, would throw in the mix. 

You spend so much time with her family, why don't you come visit us often (every weekend is what they expected), you're too busy spending time with your new family (meaning mine), don't forget you have a family too. Every time they would say something like this to him I knew it would hurt him, and it hurt me too. However, it wasn't as if it would be months in between that we'd visit. It would be at least once or twice a month. Also, I didn't understand why it was so terrible if I would last months without seeing my parents because we have busy lives and they understood that, they didn't make me feel bad for it. 

This of course bothered me and I would tell him that he needed to make them understand the situation we were in and that we couldn't go every single weekend as they wanted us to. I did blame him in a way because he didn't nip it in the bud sooner, but I understand it was hard for him because he didn't want to hurt them. I just wanted him to understand, I wanted him to know my pain that they didn't understand. The way I viewed it was that his family had him for 28 years of his life, seeing him almost every single day and now it was my turn. I didn't have the ability to see my parents everyday because of the divorce, because they were busy getting their own lives together. My sister and I haven't lived in the same house since I was 20. So now here is my year, my year to have everything back in my life that I felt was once taken and all I could think of was that his family couldn't understand. They have no idea what it's like to have to split holidays, birthdays, etc. with each parent. No idea what it feels like to work two jobs, work 7 days a week, and not be able to spend quality time with my boyfriend whom I live with. Lastly and probably the thing that irritated me most was that they had no idea what it was like to work harder for both him and I so that he could focus on his career. Working two jobs so that he wouldn't have to get a second job that would distract him from working out or studying to pass the police exams. 

With all of that, I couldn't have time to enjoy what makes me happy? I just couldn't take it anymore. It came to hearing that they felt I was controlling. That is when I couldn't take anymore and had to put my foot down. My boyfriend is now a grown 30 year old man who has his own life now. This doesn't mean he has to leave his family, but I just couldn't deal with being the one to blame for him not being there as often as they'd like him to. After months of telling him he needed to stand up to his mom who constantly made him feel bad for "forgetting" his family, he did it. All I wanted was for them to understand that we are now starting our own life and we know that we want to be together for the rest of our lives so we want to start on the right foot. This meaning that his family needs to realize we can't always be there and not to make him feel bad for it. 

I couldn't stand the fact that his mom felt that she had a say in certain things and it made me feel I had to compete with her. Let me tell you, that is the worst feeling in the world. I didn't go through hell and back in my previous relationships only to come second in this one. I needed him to know that I wasn't going to deal with it. I've come to far to not be number one in someones life, especially since I put him first in mine. 

There are no words to describe how proud I was of him to finally stand up to them, to finally stand up for me. I'm not a bad person who wants to keep him away from his family, but I just want to be given my time too. One thing we have been doing lately is reading the Bible in attempt to grow closer to God and lead better lives. In the Bible it says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.- Genesis 2:24. As I'm mentioned before, we know marriage is in our future so I wanted to be sure he made it known that once we're married and have our family things would change. 

All I want is for us both to have healthy and loving relationship with our families and understanding when we can't always be there. I do believe they needed to learn to let go of their son earlier, but we can't change the past. All we can do is work on creating a better and happier future. If there's one thing I learned from this experience is patience. Patience when dealing with his family. Patience in dealing with his timing on standing up to them. Things have gotten so much better and they now understand that we can't always be there. 

There are a few tips I've learned with dealing with a momma's boy...

• When dealing with his mom you have to tell him how you feel and he has to be the one to correct it, not you. 

• Kill them with kindness, there's nothing greater than being nice to those who try to bring you down. 

• Don't let it get to you. This was a tough one and the longest lesson it took me to learn. I had to realize at the end of the day he comes home to me. 

• Learn to accept it. 

We all have things about our families we wish we could change sometimes, but in the end it's what we're stuck with. We have to learn when we can't change things and just learn to accept it. This will lead to much happier lives when you're not constantly worrying about things we have no control over. However, if he's not willing to put you first then maybe you need to analyze the relationship because we all deserve to come first in our relationships. 

A Relationship Is Only For Two

We all know the term, honeymoon stage, when it comes to new relationships. The stage where you are so lovey dovey, your person can do no wrong, the PDA is off the roof, and it makes everyone around you plain sick.

I'm not going to lie and say that wasn't, and still isn't, Mando and I. We are very much in love and still in our honeymoon stage. In the 1 year and 3 months we have been together I still get butterflies and miss him as soon as he leaves. Our relationship was one that blossomed so beautifully and quickly. Within the first 2 weeks of dating I knew he was different and I knew he'd be around for a while. After only 5 months together we knew we wanted to live together. He lived in bufu, a town that was 1hr away, and I lived closer to the city.

We moved in after 5 months of dating and boy did we hear the backlash. It's too soon, you don't know each other well enough, you're going to regret it, are you sure you're doing the right thing? I know that my family and friends were just looking out for me, but what people need to understand is that no one besides you and your person know and feel the love that is there. No one but you and your person feel the connection, the bond, the desire that exists to be with one another. So many times I heard that things would change, we'd get to know how each lives, and we may not like it. I knew there would be a chance I wouldn't like certain things, but that didn't matter.

It's been almost 8 months now that we've been living together and aside from the occasional him leaving the toilet seat up and me not picking up my hair from the shower, it's been amazing! The only thing that keeps me from feeling 100% complete is knowing that I am living in sin. I keep trying to convince myself that we are in different times and no one really waits until they're married, but that is completely false. My reasoning for staying in my situation is because I know what I have, I know that marriage is in our future. The day I am married in God's house will be the day I can lift that guilt from my shoulders. Until then, I continue to be grateful for what I have, but will have that in the back of my mind. This is why I do not claim to have it all figured out, I know my faults, and I admit to them.

There are a few things I've learned from past relationships that are big DON'Ts:

• Do not talk bad about your person to others, most times that causes them to have negative feelings toward your person and it might ruin their image.
• Do not let the past get into the present. If you forgive your person for something, do not use it against them in the future because you chose to move past it. (I'm still working on this myself)
• Do not compare your person to previous relationships, things won't be the same, hence the reason you're not in that relationship anymore. 
• Do not expect your person to read your mind, communication is key, just let them know what it is you'd like. 
• Do not assume, always remember...when you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Just ask. 
• Do not force your person to change or have your views on certain things. 

That last one is very important and crucial in the relationship. Time and time again I've witnessed relationships being torn apart because one person wants the other to change or do something they're not comfortable with. Sadly it happens more in the case where the woman is pushing for marriage. What us women fail to realize is that by you pushing him to propose, you are pushing him further away from it. A man wants to know that he's doing it because he wants to, not because he's being told he has to or you feel it's time he does.

Having gone through a bad relationship myself I realized what my faults were and knew that my relationships would continue to end the same if I didn't better myself. I was once the girlfriend who was extremely jealous, always angry, bitter, stubborn, and just wanted everything to go my way. I'm not saying I'm the greatest girlfriend in the world now, but I realized I needed to be a better person in order for a man to be good to me. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. -Luke 6:31

When are you going to get married? It's been x many years, it's time now. I'm sure that's what you constantly hear from family, but just remember that no one delegates your relationship but you and your person. Who cares about what people may tell you, just remember that you're with your person for a reason and have faith it'll happen soon. Now if a man tells you from the beginning marriage isn't on his mind at all, then I must ask, why are you still there? If marriage is your goal then you must be upfront in the beginning of the relationship on what you expect to get out of it. Simple as that. Women especially get so caught up in the actual wedding with the dress, center pieces, music, etc. that they forget what is most important...the actual marriage.

In the end it always comes down to knowing what you have. Knowing your person is the one who makes you happy, who is the only person who can get you so mad, but be the only one who can make you feel better. This goes for both men and women, do not let others cause problems in your relationship. When I mean others I mean everyone, even your family. Unless there is something that is seriously wrong such as being abused physically or mentally, infidelity, or disrespectful then I would understand. However, if someone is trying to stir problems just because they don't like your person then why let that ruin your happiness? No one knows your person the way you do plain and simple.  

The Aftermath and Healing

Although I began to attend church, the emotional burden of having had the abortion was more than I could handle. I felt so lost, so incredibly damaged. Being only 21 I couldn't help but think I had screwed up royally and so early in life. People always say you get one big mistake in your life and I used mine up at only 21 years old...

They say time heals all wounds and when you're currently going through a rough situation you think what a bunch of crap. Well being on the other end of it now, let me just say, it's the truth. It took me almost an entire 2 years to get over my first love. That's a long time of dealing with a heartbreak and a long time trying different methods to cope with it. My friend called me a serial dater because I dated so many guys, each only lasting 2 weeks max. No one really understood my reason, but after having spent almost 7 years with one person believing you weren't ever going to have to date again, you make it a point to be sure of the next one.

If anyone ever criticizes you for being too picky or having high standards, don't listen. We all have our reasons and mine was simple, I wasn't going to waste anymore time. So I would meet a guy, go on a date, maybe a few if they were lucky, and if there were red flags there wouldn't be a second date. After having gone through so many issues and believing I could change my ex I realized you can't change a person, you just accept them for who they are. I can't even remember the countless dates I went on, but one thing I knew for sure was that he would have to be real special to catch my attention.

It took me over 2 years to finally find someone who I thought was worth my time, my unconditional love. This is when you know you really found someone you love like you have never loved before, and that's when you want to be the best version of yourself. It is indescribable the feeling that captivates your heart when you have found someone who loves you so deeply as you love them. Let me just say that Mando has made me want to be a better woman, a Godly woman.

I thank God for bringing him into my life and I truly believe He did because of my faith in Him. It was unreal and I know most people find it hard to believe who don't have strong enough faith, but God truly spoke to me in different ways when I asked Him to guide me when finding my person. It was the most unreal thing when I would ask God to give me a sign and He would!

I was seeing this guy who I thought was great, he was a gentleman and genuinely cared for me. The only downside was that he had a child and baby mama drama with his ex. It did bother me, but since he made time for me I figured we could try to make it work. One night I cried to God in my usual nightly prayer and asked Him to please give me a sign if things weren't mean to be with that guy and I. I usually would talk to God as if He were my best friend, telling Him all of my problems and asking for guidance. So the next morning I awoke to a text message from that guy saying that he had met up with his ex the night before and she wanted to try being a family with him and their son, but he was hesitant because of me. I knew right then he wasn't the one for me and without even realizing had a big smile on my face because I knew in my heart that God was giving me a sign. So I ended it.

This happened about 2 times after and each time I knew in my heart that God was giving me a sign I'd listen and end things. Each time I ended things it became easier on my heart to let go, as if God were healing my heart because I had faith in Him. Having done this for some time and giving my all to God I would continue to pray that He send me the one, the man who I deserved.

There is a passage in my book on uplifting thoughts that reads, "God and Time will heal all wounds. Every sunrise is a new day, and a new beginning. Each day God gives us another opportunity to dance in the glow of His light and happiness. Don’t stand there watching, join the dance." Then the verse from the Bible for that day was, You have turned for me my mourning into dancing. –Psalm 30:11.

If you remind yourself every morning as soon as you wake up to thank God for giving you another day you're already starting your day off on the right foot. I cannot help but remember what my grandpa told me about not appreciating your blessings in life and holding on too tight. Well God pried each and every finger in my hand open until it was all gone only to have me rebuild my life...the right way this time. This time I was to take all of the broken pieces and build myself up as a woman of God and a pure heart ready to be filled with a heart like God.

There hasn't been one day in my life that I can honestly say I ever questioned that God existed. Sure there were days I'd question why He let certain things happen to me, but never did I doubt Him. There was one night that I remember crying before going to bed and asking God why me? I fell asleep with tears still flowing down my cheeks and had one of the scariest and meaningful dreams.

I'm sleeping in my bed and am suddenly awaken by a tugging at my feet. I open my eyes only to find that the devil is pulling at my feet trying to bring me down with him. Worried, scared, and frantic I begin to reach for the head rest of my bed to keep myself from being pulled down. I look up and see God standing at the head of my bed, just staring at me with a blank face as if saying you did this to yourself. Reaching out my hand so that God can hold on to me and keep me from being dragged He just stands, motionless. I'm screaming, and little did I know I was actually screaming, and am finally woken up by mom who was screaming and asking me if I was okay. I get up and just couldn't believe the dream I had. I tell my mom I'm okay, but just sit in bed wondering what in the world just happened.

From that day forward I made it a point to attend church on Sunday's, thank God every single day for all of His blessings, and asked Him to guide me in the right direction. So many of us have more blessings than half the people in this world and yet we don't realize it. Every morning I wake up and thank God for my blessings.

I thank Him for giving me another day, having a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, an apartment of my own, AC/heater, running water, electricity, all of my body parts/organs/senses, being healthy, having clothes/shoes, hygiene essentials to keep clean, food to eat everyday, household items, furniture, and all of my earthly belongings. I thank Him for the luxuries in life (yes, luxuries) such as my job, my car, my education, a phone, television, internet, fashion accessories, and everything that makes my life easier. Lastly, I thank Him for the greatest blessings in my life which are my family, friends, Mando's family, and the Godly man He placed in my life...Mando.

Focusing and thanking God for the countless blessings I have in my life has allowed me to become the most humble I have been in my life. I very much in a sense let Jesus take the wheel and I'm glad I did because I am the happiest I have been in my entire life! Open your eyes, stop looking at the negative and focus on the positive. If you are able to wake up each day and not worry about how you're going to survive then consider yourself one of the luckiest people in the world.

The Mother of All My Sins

Sitting on the couch crying and asking myself what to do next? The guy I thought who loved me for the last almost 7 years has just told me he wants me to have an abortion.

For an entire week I debated. If I have the child I will be a single mother and struggle for the rest of my life. The child would not know his father and will have so many issues from the void that I'll know they will try to fill with something else. What will my family think? I mean, I'm 21 and went to college so it's not as bad as being a teen and a high school dropout. How will I manage with work and how could I afford a baby? 

During that week I confided in 3 of my closest friends, one of which was a father himself to two beautiful girls. He was so understanding of my situation and comforted me by telling me he'd be there 100% for me and the baby. My other friend from high school said he too would be there. My mom was so incredibly supportive that she said she would help me out as much as she could. She'd let me live at her house, she'd make the extra bedroom a nursery, she would help by watching the baby when I was at work. She made it a point that I knew she would help me as long as I took responsibility and wasn't one of those mothers who left their baby to their mom to watch while they went out and partied. That would not have been the case with me, but she needed to be sure I knew just in case.

I had the support of everyone who was close to me. The only thing I felt necessary was to at least tell my dad. We weren't close, but I knew it would hurt him deeply if I didn't tell him. So one day I asked him if we could meet up and talk.

My dad came by my house and picked me up. He said we could talk at the park since it was a nice day out. "So what's so important you wanted to tell me in person?" He asked with that look on his face that I knew so well, he was worried, but said it jokingly as he did with everything. "I don't know how to tell you..." I said softly without making eye contact. "Let me guess, you're pregnant?" He seemed to ask as a joke, but also seemed afraid to hear the answer. "Yes, actually I am."

We just sat there for a few minutes in silence. "If it's your ex's I hope you know that you shouldn't keep it," my dad said as he finally broke the silence. "You have your entire life ahead of you and you and him aren't good together. That wouldn't be fair to the baby to grow up with parents who aren't meant to be together and argue all of the time." "He wants me to get rid of it, he doesn't want to keep it, I think it's because he doesn't want any ties to me at all," I told him. "Well I agree, if you need me to be there I will, just let me know," that was the last thing my dad said and all I needed to hear.

The next day I was still going back-and-forth on what to do. I was feeling so sick, sicker than usual, and I noticed that I started to bleed. I'm not on my period and this is a lot of blood, more than I'm used to. Oh my goodness, I think something is wrong. So many thoughts rushed in my mind. "Mom, I need to go to the hospital, I'm bleeding a lot!" At that same moment my mom began to feel sick, I believe it might have been from the stress, and we were afraid she might have had a stroke. So there we go, my mom and I both being admitted to the ER. I called my sister and she called my ex to come along.

I'm laying on the hospital bed feeling so uncomfortable and scared because I hate hospitals and I could think of was how I wished my mom was there and hoping she was okay. First nurse comes in to hook me up to the IV. Second nurse comes in to draw blood, which that in itself is the worst for me as I faint when I see my blood. Then the doctor comes in and tells me that I am 6 weeks pregnant and have lost a substantial amount of blood. "We're going to have to do an ultra sound to see if the baby is okay. Have you been taking care of yourself and taking prenatal vitamins daily?" The doctor asks with a concerned look on his face. "No, I didn't even know I was pregnant until a week ago, I'm 6 weeks? Oh my goodness, I didn't even know. I have been drinking...a lot!" 

At only 6 weeks the baby is too small to be seen through a normal ultra sounds over the stomach so they'd have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I endured so much pain for the next 6 hours as I waited for my bladder to be emptied by having a catheter placed. Once empty I was ready for the ultrasound. As I sat there I waited to hear a heartbeat, there was nothing. I asked the doctor and she said it was normal. Finally I was done and the doctor came back and said I could go home but I would have to take extra care of myself to ensure no more bleeding and that I had to take my prenatal vitamins.

Finally back home I plopped down on the couch and it just hit me like a ton of bricks...I wasn't ready to be a mom. For the last 6 weeks I had been drinking almost every weekend (my partying stage) and not taking care of myself at all. For all I knew the bleeding was a sign that something was wrong with the baby and I told myself I couldn't live with the guilt if I had done something to the baby that would effect them for the rest of its life. I grabbed my laptop and researched abortion clinics. Without telling anyone I called Planned Parenthood and made an appointment for the following Thursday.

The night before the abortion my ex asked if it was okay to spend the night at my mom's since the appointment was at 6am the next morning. Morning came and I was awoken by my alarm. I woke up my mom and my ex, then called my dad who said he would go also. Just before leaving the house I began to tear. My ex asked if I was okay and when I told him I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing he said, "it'll be fine, before you know it you'll be back home and everything will be back to normal." 

There we were...my mom, me, my ex and my dad in that order waiting in the waiting room. The wait seemed so long as I sat there with such sadness in my heart. How could my ex not have tried to stop me? Was our relationship all a lie? "Alexis Pelayo, we're ready for you," a nurse called out. I got up and proceeded to the elevator, scared to the point that I felt the need to pee and sad because no one was allowed to be with me during the procedure.

They bring you down to a basement, yes a basement, as if it isn't scary enough they have to send you down to a dungeon-like area. They handed me a CD player which was weird in itself as I hadn't used one in years with iPods now the new IT thing. I pressed play and listened to all of the warnings, side effects, and what not to do after an abortion. Once that was done they had me speak with a counselor in a tiny room where they proceeded to ask me if anyone was forcing me to do it, explained to me the procedure, and showed me the instruments that would be used. The instruments themselves seemed so scary, but I had chosen to be put to sleep so that I wouldn't feel or remember anything. Once they clear you they send you to have blood drawn. The last step is to have an ultrasound done. "Would you like to keep the picture of your baby?" Asked the nurse. Are you kidding me right now? I'm about to have an abortion and you're asking me if I want to keep a picture as a memento of what I'm about to do? "No," I said.

It was time, I was asked to undress and put on a robe. As I got on the table all I could do was pray. Lord please forgive me for what I am about to do. Please I beg of you to forgive me of my actions. "It's going to be okay sweetie, just relax and count to 10 for me," the nurse was ready to put me to sleep and held my hand to comfort me.

My stomach is in so much pain! Where am I? How in the world am I dressed? Who dressed me? Is it over? Where's my mom? I woke up in a completely different room, completely dressed, and was covered with a blanket. On my blanket was a clear bag with pads that my mom had brought as your told to bring pads for after the procedure. "Hi honey, would you like me to call your mother down?" The nurse at the desk asked as she noticed I was now awake, "you've been out for quite a bit,  just wait for you mom okay honey." Finally I see my mom come through the door and suddenly I felt like a child again. Tears running down my cheeks and I couldn't be happier to see my mom come over to me, hug me, ask me if I was okay.

The entire car ride home I was quiet, tearing the entire time. What have I just done? Did I make a huge mistake? God will you ever forgive me? 


August 25, 2011 I will never forget it. Next month it'll be 3 years since my abortion. Each time I watch a movie, read a book, or see anything that has to do with abortions I can't but cry. The following March my mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, and I went to watch a movie neither of had heard of because it was the only thing playing, October Baby. If you haven't watched it yet, I highly suggest you do. It's a movie about a girl in her late teens who finds out that the reason for so many of her health issues is because she was never meant to live. Her birth mother tried to have her aborted, but she ended up surviving because a nurse didn't want the doctor to notice the baby was alive and have to kill her. In her journey to find her birth mother she meets the nurse who saved her and gave her to her adopted parents. The nurse tells her the gory details of the botched abortion. When she finally finds her birth mother, who is now a successful lawyer who married and had a daughter, she tells her that she has nothing to say and leaves with her husband and daughter.

That movie had me bawling like a baby at the theater, so much that I had to walk out and say I was going to the restroom so they wouldn't notice. No one knew except my mom and I knew if they saw how emotional I was they'd suspect something. That movie gave me an inside look of the effect it had on the girl who shouldn't have survived the abortion and how much pain she was in. Seeing how the birth mom reacted just hit me hard.

After my abortion I began going to church, reading the Bible more often, finding my own way on how to seek forgiveness from God. Has He forgiven me? The Bible says we have a forgiving God and with repentance we are forgiven, so I want to believe He has. I do not regret my decision as I know that poor baby would have suffered due to my being irresponsible with drinking so much and not taking care of myself. However, if I had the chance to talk to each young woman who is pregnant and feels lost I would tell them not to have an abortion if they didn't feel 100% sure. I would tell them that they are not alone, that I understand the feeling, and I know the pain.

There are many physical side effects after the abortion that may include stomach pain, cramping, bleeding, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Most of these side effects are things most women go through during a menstrual cycle so it's not unbearable, but it's the non-physical side effects a woman should worry about. Here is a list of emotional and psychological side effects after an abortion from a site I visited myself after my abortion to search for answers.
 Click here for website

• Regret
• Anger
• Guilty feelings
•  Shame
• Sense of loneliness or isolation
• Loss of self confidence 
• Insomnia or nightmares
• Relationship issues
• Suicidal thoughts and feelings
• Eating disorders
• Depression
• Anxiety

Some women are more prone to having these side effects for the following reasons:

• Previous emotional or psychological issues
• Have been coerced, forced or persuaded to get an abortion
• Individuals with religious beliefs that conflict with abortion
• Individuals with moral or ethical views that conflict with abortion
• Individuals who obtain an abortion in the later stages of pregnancy
• Individuals without support from significant others or their partner
• Women obtaining an abortion for genetic or fetal abnormalities

With my previous emotional issues from my childhood it definitely made it harder for me to cope with, but I am extremely blessed to have a supportive mom who was there for me.

Although I know that God has forgiven me, I do fear that when I do want to have children that I won't be able to. I fear that because of my actions God won't ever let me be a mom. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith. My faith in God that He knows I am truly sorry and understand the great sin I committed.

• For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 6:14-15
  
  
  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9
• Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, -Acts 3:19

Stuck in Love?

6 1/2 years...that's how long I was with my first love for, so just a head's up, this will be a long one.

I was 14, a sophomore at the time and single. My best friend told me during lunch that his cousin was going to be transferring to our school and started the next day. I didn't think too much of it, but the next day he decided to introduce me to his cousin which I didn't know at the time, but I would be in a long term relationship with this guy.

Bald head, shag (long strand of hair at the bottom), coke nails (long pinky nails), over sized jersey, and baggy pants was standing in front of me as we were standing at the stairs in front of school waiting to get picked up. I'm imagining an image of a rapper popped into your head as this was a typical thug look. His attire did not attract me whatsoever, but he was cute and seemed nice. After meeting him for the first time I knew I liked something about him.

We were friends for a few months and everyone knew I liked him. He hadn't had a girlfriend in almost one year so I figured he was nervous to ask me out. One night at a soccer game he asked me to take a walk with him. "I haven't done this in a really long time..." he muttered as he then begins to walk away from me and then turns back. "I'm really nervous, but um, will you be my girlfriend?" With a sense of relief I told him I had to ask my parents and I would give him my answer the next day. Mind you, he was nervous enough as it is and being the goody two shoes I was I had to be sure my parents would allow it, thankfully they said yes.

The rest of sophomore year and junior year went by and we were on cloud 9. I fell in love with him and he with me. It began as puppy love, but as we grew older we grew to really love one another deeply. It was going great until my senior year, he had already graduated high school and was attending a community college.

He stopped trying to surprise me, making me feel special, and stopped giving me affection. I would express my feelings about it, but he'd always assure me that he'd change, which he would until he noticed I was content and then stop again. This went on for the next 3 years. I would get fed up, tell him, he'd be great for the next few weeks, and stop. It was what seemed like a never ending cycle that I was stuck in. I felt as if I were a hamster in its wheel going nowhere. Yet, there I was. Convincing myself that our love was strong enough to get through it all. I ignored so many signs that I now realize God was sending me to tell me that he was not for me.

In the midst of our relationship I began to grow tired of it all and would accept the attention I would get from other guys. I craved attention and affection like I craved sweets. Looking back I know I was wrong, but at the time I would convince myself that it was okay because I didn't get the attention from my boyfriend so it evened out. I would break up with him for 1-2 days, 1-3 weeks, and the longest was 3 months. Then once I got my fix we'd get back together. Not once did I stop and think how much damage I was doing to our relationship and most importantly, to him. He didn't deserve it just as I didn't deserve to be neglected by him. Yet, we stayed. Why? Comfort. We had been together so long, invested so much time, became a part of each others families...how could we walk away?

The summer of our longest breakup was the final off time we'd ever have. I met this guy who would give me all the attention and affection I craved, took me to new restaurants, would take me on fun and interesting dates...everything I wanted. I was happy at the time of course, but there was still that feeling inside of me that wished I was doing all of that with him. With the man who I knew truly had my heart. When my on and off again boyfriend found out I was dating the same guy for over 2 months something inside of him must have clicked. Maybe he thought he was going to lose me for sure that time, but he began to reach out to me. One day, he asks to meet up and let it all out, giving me a heartfelt speech with tears running down his face as he expressed his love for me. "Him or me? If you choose him, this will be the last time you ever see or speak to me. If you come back to me, we will work on us and try to move pass this," he explained. 

Is he serious? My heart is racing, oh my goodness. I cannot lose him. This is finally it, he is going to change. I choose him! I am a terrible person for what I did, but I completely cut off the guy I was dating, didn't respond to his texts or calls, and went back to my love.

By the time it came to our 6th year together it was as if we were an old married couple. Going to the same places, had the same routine, barely told each other we loved each other. We had been off so many times that the trust has dwindled away. He couldn't shake the fact that I had dated that guy and I was still not happy with his lack of affection/attention. Still, we stayed together. We both knew it should have been over long ago, but we were comfortable.

One day in April, now a junior in college, he asked me to skip class that night and spend the day with him. I decided missing one class wouldn't hurt, so I headed to his house after work. I walked inside, as the door was never locked, and walked into the kitchen to say hi to his mom whom I loved dearly. We chatted until he finally came down...in gym clothes. "I'm going to go to the gym for a little with the guys and then we'll do something when I get back," he said.


Are you kidding me? I skipped class for him to leave me alone while he went to the gym? I was fuming, so upset that without thinking I told him we were over, walked out, got into my car, and drove off. Racing home with tears coming down my face all I could think of was how free I felt.

We didn't talk for almost one month, but given that we had so many mutual friends throughout the year we were bound to run into each other. It finally happened in July at our friend's birthday party at a nearby bar/club. We hadn't seen each other so for me seeing him for the first time in almost 3 months my heart and mind were out of control. I missed him, how could I not? I was with this guy for almost all of my teenage years and some, had so many firsts with him, he was my first love.

We said hi and acted as if nothing had changed, hung out with our friends, danced a little, and just had a good time. By the end of the night one of our friends had to go home and he asked if I wanted a ride home since we lived 5 minutes from each other. Oh, yea, did I mentioned we lived 5 minutes from each other? So I let him drive me home and the next thing I knew I woke up in his bedroom....

Ladies, believe me when I say this, if you are broken up and you find yourself in this predicament, PLEASE try very hard to refrain from getting physical. Trust me when I say, it makes the break up even more difficult.

So I wake up, look over at him still sleeping and grab my stuff to leave. He wakes up and asks me where I'm going, I told him home, and he turns around and goes back to sleep. Of course I didn't expect him to ask me to stay and cuddle as I had always been used to, but it did hurt, and I did feel regret. We kept in minimal contact after that with the occasional "hi, how are you" texts, random hookups, etc. Even then I continued to go out and party (this was during my out of control phase I mentioned).

Almost two months later I started to notice I was tired all the time, my boobs were aching, and I was craving chicken nuggets a lot. I didn't think much of it until I was complaining to my mom about and she said her infamous "you better not be pregnant!"

Pregnant? Oh my goodness, I can't be! I quickly sent him a text and asked him to ask him mom, a nurse, if she could please give me a pregnancy test from the clinic. That night we met up so I could get the test when he tells me his mom said to make sure to wait until the next morning to ensure more accurate results. I could barely sleep, so many thoughts running through my mind. How could I be pregnant? And at 21? What will I do?

The next morning I wake up and for a split second almost forgot my dilemma until I went into the restroom and saw the test on the counter. I took the test and laid it on the counter as I went back into my room to wait since I was too nervous to just stare at it for 2 minutes. They were the longest 2 minutes ever, but as soon as it was time I went to check the little test.

Two lines, two very clear lines were staring at me in the face. PREGNANT!

I waited a few minutes in my room as I contemplated how I'd tell my mom. I made my way downstairs, opened her door, turned on the light, and sat on her bed until she woke up. "Good morning mija, why are you up so early?" She asked as she turned around and rubbed her eyes. "I feel blah...""What's wrong, you feel sick?" She asked. "No, I'm pregnant," I said very nonchalant.

My mom, surprisingly, wasn't upset as I imagined she'd be. She asked me if I had taken a test and insisted I take 1-2 more to be sure. So we went to the store and bought a 3 pack. We went home and I took all 3, one-by-one they all came out positive. So my next thought was to call my ex to tell him the news and he said he would be on his way.

He walks in and goes to the kitchen where my mom and I were. "I took 4 tests and all positive," I told him. "Congratulations, you're going to be a dad!" My mom said as she patted him on the back. "Can I talk to you in the living room?" He asked with a straight face.

"We can't keep it, I'm not ready to be a dad, and we're not even together. I'm sorry, but I can't be excited because I don't want any part of it. I'll pay for you to get rid of it and take you, but I just can't right now. I just can't and I don't think you should want to either." He explained. 

All I could think about as he was saying this was, how on earth could a person who I gave almost 7 years of my life to be telling me this right now? This is coming from someone who said he loved me with all of his heart? I cannot believe this right now, I think I might puke. 

As I sat on the couch crying he just stared in silence. After a couple of minutes he stood up and said, "When you finally decide to get rid of it, make the appointment and let me know the day and time so I can take you. But if you decide otherwise, I'm sorry but I can't do it with you." Then without waiting for a response from me he walked out and left.


This was the big sign I felt God brought upon me to finally show me this wasn't the person He meant for me to be with. In my case he clearly didn't love me enough to do the responsible thing which was to stick by me if I wanted to keep the baby. God is constantly trying to give you signals, but it's up to you if you want to pay attention to them and do something about it. For almost 7 years He signaled red flags but I didn't want to see them. So in my mind I knew He had to do something so drastic that I couldn't miss and finally pay attention to. In my next post I will explain all the details of what happened next.

Remember to value yourself, do not let a partner convince you that them mistreating you is okay. A relationship is 50/50 and if you know damn well that it's not even, then leave. Believe me when I say this, YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND BETTER. There will always be someone in this world full of billions of people who will treat you the way you wanted to be treated. Who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Who will love you the way you love them. Who will treasure you, appreciate you, and make you feel like you are the only person in their world. I know this because I found that person. I found my true love after thinking that I would never find someone who would love me the way my ex did. I'm grateful to God that he put me through that break up because then I wouldn't know how to appreciate the amazing Godly man He sent to me.

Life goes on and so will you. Myself along with millions of others have been there and managed to survive, you will too. =)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Daddy's Girl

"Any female (teen or grown up woman) who's UNUSUALLY close to her father. She's typically spoiled and bratty. Usually marries a push-over kinda guy that will treat her like her dad does. Any female who relies solely on daddy to pay for anything. Including rent, bills, etc. Where do you think the term "sugar daddy" comes from." -Urban Dictionary

If you are someone who considers themselves a daddy's girl and after reading that think to yourself, that is so not me, I am with you 90%!

Growing up I was definitely a daddy's girl. If my dad went to the store I wanted to go with, when he'd leave for work I wanted to go with, if he was going out to the garage I wanted to go with. My dad was my hero, the man I looked up to as a little girl and loved him with all of my heart! Truthfully, I was very spoiled, but not bratty. My dad would pay all of my bills (phone and car insurance, except my car payment) until I moved out when I was 20. This is where the 10% comes from as I do agree with the spoiled and having my dad pay for certain expenses.

When I was 12 years old and, as I mentioned before, I began to notice that my dad did not love my mom as she loved him, and I told my mom to leave him. Seeing how my dad would go out, flirt with other women, and not give my mom the attention I knew she wanted hurt me as if he were doing it to me. Even after my mom found out my dad was being unfaithful and had proof, she stayed. She stayed for the same reason so many women stay, she was so madly in love and wanted her children to grow up with their dad in their life. Although I do appreciate her staying for our sake, I still think she made the wrong decision. This is when the daddy's girl phase began to fade out...

My parents marriage grew worse as the years went by and having witnessed everything that went on made me begin to grow angry with my dad. Angry that he couldn't stay faithful to my mom and love her like he once did. I would ask myself all the time, why aren't we enough? Finally, after years of unhappiness and realization that my dad was not going to change, my mom and him separated. That is when my mom began to live her life, go out with friends, hang out with different people, and just enjoy life.

Still living in the same house, but in different bedrooms, I knew they were each seeing other people and as odd as it may seem, my sister and I were fine with it. Mainly because this meant she and I were free to go out as we pleased and get home as late as we wanted, all the while my parents were so busy being free after almost 25 years. It was as if I was the adult in the family and my sister, 14-16 at the time, became my responsibility.

This one summer before the family completely fell apart, my dad told me we'd be going on a family vacation to Orlando. Disney World was always a favorite vacation spot of ours because my sister and I enjoy rides and have gone more times than most children combined. I was so excited and without even thinking I told my mom that we'd all be going, because I assumed it'd be us four as always. A few weeks before we leave my dad confronted me about telling my mom and then told me she wouldn't be going, that it would just be him, my sister, and my boyfriend at the time. I felt so bad, I mean so heartbroken to have to tell my mom that my dad did not plan on her to go with us.

The day arrives for us to leave to Florida, and this was one of the times we decided we'd drive there. My sister, ex boyfriend, and I were waiting for my dad who said he was going to the store to pick something up. Almost an hour later he arrives...and he's not alone. My dad gets out of the car with a big smile on his face as he opens the passenger door and out comes, his GIRLFRIEND!

What an awkward car ride that was, being in the car with a stranger to all of us except my dad. Watching him in the mirror, smiling at her, looking very happy. It was sickening to me because as I later found out, she was one month younger than me. Are you kidding me? My dad is with someone who is my age? So disgusting. 

As the week went by during our vacation my sister and I got to know her and by the end of it we were okay with it, as long as our dad was happy. We had a good relationship with one another for quite a while...and then the incident which turned the fading of me being a daddy's girl to a complete end.

Long story short, my mom and my dad's girlfriend somehow began texting and some very rude comments were exchanged between the two. It was definitely both of their faults and being that my mom was clearly more mature than my dad's girlfriend, should have been the bigger person. However, when you find out your husband is dating someone your daughter's age, it doesn't sit quite well with you and being the bigger person is usually buried in the back of your mind. Somewhere among the texts my dad's girlfriend began to criticize my mom by using some of my mom's disabilities. My mom has always had a case of depression due to her childhood and has had quite a few incidents in which she broke her tailbone, hip, and this caused her to be physically unable to work full time. Now what I don't understand is why my dad's girlfriend knew this, but she basically called out my mom based on her disabilities and saying it caused her to be a terrible mother to my sister and I.

Excuse me? Did you grow up with her as a mother? Did you deal with my dad's infidelity? How dare you say MY mother is a bad mom! At this point I am fuming because although it is something my mom cannot control, I knew it hurt her. So I text my dad and I told him to control that child of his and for her to never speak of my mom like that again.

That text sparked the end of my dad's and my relationship.

That was the point in which I moved out of my dad's house and moved in with my mom. I cut ties with my dad's girlfriend and only spoke to my dad if necessary, mainly for my sister's sake. Living with my friend at the time I began to go out almost every night, I started to skip classes, I lost my job at the bank I was supervisor at, and in the midst of all of that I was losing my boyfriend of almost 7 years.

My dad blamed me for him and I not speaking. He said it wasn't my argument to have gotten in the middle of. How could he not expect me to defend my own mother when he put his mother first since I could remember? As 2 years passed I rarely would see my dad and solemnly communicated via email, usually arguments about how he stood beside his girlfriend and that I needed to grow up. My dad was absent for many things that happened, he didn't meet any of the guys I was dating, he wasn't there for me emotionally when my grandfather passed away, and that was what hurt me the most. My mom stood up and was both my mom and dad for quite some time.

I always had a great relationship with my grandparents on my mom's side and with the presence of my dad gone, my grandpa was there for me more than ever with great advice. He would always support me, tell me how proud he was of me, tell me stories of his childhood, and just be the greatest father figure he was able to be; as he was bedridden from fighting cancer for over 10years and then getting shingles. My grandpa did the best he could and would still talk highly of my dad to me when I would tell him how upset I was. He would tell me how he would want for his children from his first marriage to forgive him as well as he loved them so much. That was what hurt me more, was to see the pain in his eyes when he would talk about his children from his first marriage.

Before my grandfather, my Paye, passed away he told me something so important that it has stayed with me. He told me, "mija (Spanish word for daughter/daughter figure) you have to appreciate everything in this world that God has blessed you with. Right now you are holding all of your blessings in your hand and you have it in a fist. The more you take your blessings for granted the more God has to pry each finger open one-by-one until you're left with an open palm full of nothing."

Now, almost 5 years later, my dad and I have been working on becoming close for the last almost 2 years. The birth of my baby sister Melani was the reason for my wanting to rekindle our father-daughter relationship. I didn't want my sister to grow up and not know her oldest sister or just hear of me. So far it's been getting much better, but having my dad miss almost 3 years of obstacles, events, successes in my life was not how I pictured it.     

 My forgiving my dad could not have been possible without God. After losing so much in just one year I was at my lowest and I needed something to pick me up, I realized I needed God. With God's grace I was able to slowly forgive my dad, leave it in the past, and work on rebuilding our relationship and the relationship with his now fiance.

I know not everyone may be tied to a religion or faith, but when thinking about relationships with your parents just think, you only get one set in your life. If it's something petty or even a situation similar to mine, forgive for yourself. It's also incredibly important that if you have daddy issues to be sure you don't look for that attention in a man...but that will be for another post. =)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 6:45-15