Each stage in my life has brought upon new fears.
When I was younger my fears were that I would fail at school, that my parents would eventually divorce, that I would fail my little sister by being a terrible big sister.
As an adolescent they were fears of losing my first love, losing my job, not getting into college, failing at college, losing my family in the midst of my parents divorce that against all of my fears as a child, did in fact happen.
Now as an adult my fears grow greater because I no longer have the excuse of being a child who doesn't know better.
As an adult daughter I fear that I won't continue to make my parents proud by always pushing myself to achieve more.
As the oldest sister of now a 21 year old, 9 year old, and 3 year old I fear that I won't be the best role model for them. I fear I won't be the older sibling they look up to or seek for advice as they get older themselves.
As an employee I fear I won't live up to my potential in the workplace and that I will be replaced by the next college graduate who is knowledgeable in areas I may not be. I fear being unsuccessful as the years go on and not progressing with time. I fear financial instability and not being able to do it on my own.
As a fiance to my future husband I fear that I will not be enough for him and that he will seek what he needs in a partner from someone else. I fear being lied to, cheated on, abandoned, or not being put first in my partners life. I fear that with time and the more downs come with the ups that I will not be the same person he fell in love with.
As a woman I fear that my punishment in life for aborting my unborn child 6 years ago is that I will not be able to bear children with my future husband. I fear that I will not be able to give my future husband what he truly desires, a family of his own. When I am constantly asked when I'm going to hurry up and have children how do I explain to them this fear?
Lastly, as a daughter of God I fear that I am going down a path He didn't intend for me. I fear that the path He created for me is something I deliberately choose each day to stray from. I fear that I am not being the greatest daughter to Him and the greatest sister to His children.
Each of these fears have been lingering in my mind as a child and continue to grow as the years pass. So many times I'm told by my parents, relatives, close friends, and even coworkers that I shouldn't let these things get in the way. However, how do you stop it? How does one stop being afraid? How is it that I can read the Bible, read how many times God tells us to not be afraid and yet it's no remedy to my problem?
I've learned that these fears are inevitable. My fears of being a bad sister, daughter, fiance, employee, etc. are my expectations getting the best of me. I can always strive to be the best at each one of these, but somewhere down the line mistakes happen and I have to learn to not let it define me or hinder me from getting back up and trying harder next time.
These fears have a big part in the creation of the woman I am today. Do I wish people knew some of my fears so as not to make me feel insulted or judged? Heck yea, but what I need to remember is that I am not the only one with such fears. I too play a big part in potentially hurting someone by making a comment, asking a question, or discussing certain topics that may be hurtful to others and I don't even realize it.
It's understandable for us as humans to have such fears that we cannot control, but one thing I will try my best to do is remind myself that God tells us numerous times not to be afraid. He tells us that he will carry our burdens. Each day I wake up I thank God for another day here and I have to remind myself it's a new day. My worries from yesterday should not carry on and my fears are only my own insecurities. I pray that as time goes on it gets easier to rid myself of these burdens and for everyone else as well. I also pray to be more understanding because as an old manager once told me, "you never know what a person is going through in their personal lives so always greet them with a smile, you never know if you may make their day for them."
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"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
