Admitting your faults to those closest to you is a hard thing to do, but admitting them to yourself is even harder.
Just the other day my fiance and I had a disagreement and he said something that he usually says after an argument, but this time it struck a different chord then before. "Whatever you say, like always..." he muttered as he walked away. As much as I wanted to say something back, like I always do, I stayed quiet. This triggered me to reflect on our disagreements and really think about whether I listen to his side or not.
Having more time to reflect on life lately led this to be my next topic to reflect on the last few days after that disagreement. Have I always disregarded the wants of my partner in relationships? Do I always push to get my way in arguments? Am I always this selfish?
The answers after finally having to admit them to myself were most of the time I have disregarded my partners feelings, I do always push to get my way, and no I haven't always been this selfish. There was a time before my first heart break that I was a completely different person. I was kinder, more caring, and completely selfless.
I'm aware that as the years went on and I was thrown into the crazy obstacles of life it slowly made me less trusting, less compassionate, and more attentive to my own needs. I'm not happy with the person I have become, but I have slowly been trying to shed these burdens and let God handle it. Definitely easier said than done, but I am trying my hardest to remember the much nicer person I was before this harsh world altered me. I can't blame it entirely on the obstacles I've faced because ultimately I made the decision to be this way, but it took a toll. Each day it feels like all the harsh realities of this world make it less hopeful that things can change for the better.
Blunt, judgmental, inconsiderate, one-sided, jealous, lack compassion, negative, selfish and controlling.
These are all of what I consider to be my faults. I wouldn't say I am all of these all at once or even all the time, but I have tendencies to act on each of these at times and I despise that I do.
Considering these faults I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, but I have started to notice that I've lost sight of my true self with having gone through difficult times in the last year alone. I know my good qualities outweigh the bad, but my goal is to slowly eliminate the bad altogether.
My greatest blessing is knowing that I can always ask God for guidance and knowing He is always there to listen to my concerns, pleas, and woes. It took me deciding to leave a job for unethical practices and having an extremely difficult time finding a new career to reflect on these important issues I've been turning a blind eye to.
I've learned that in order for me to be the best daughter to my Father God, wife to my future husband, and happy with the person I myself am that I need to work harder than ever to be the person I once was before. Work harder toward being the happy, compassionate, considerate, selfless, loving, and open person I once was not only for those closest to me, but to be happy with myself each day I wake up and look in the mirror.
I have to keep reminding myself that the unfortunate events I've gone through do not define me and they don't have to change me, I can and will overcome this and come out on top. You can to if you find yourself in a similar situation.
