Family Matters

So many times we hear that our family is crazy, which family isn't, etc. Well as it may be true in most, if not all cases, we all have something we'd like to change in our family.

Instead of focusing on what is wrong or what we'd like to change, I've realized there is a greater need to focus on the positive. Many times we forget to tell those we care about that we love them and appreciate them before it's too late. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to slow down a little to really soak in our loved ones who might not be around much longer.

When my grandpa passed away it wasn't something that was sudden. Paye is what we called him because my cousin and I couldn't pronounce Padre which was the proper form of Father in Spanish. My Paye, as I always mention, was the most amazing man I've had the privilege and blessing of having in my life. He was a real man, a man of his word, a man who took care of his family in every way possible. He did have his faults as he did divorce from his first wife and remarried my grandmother, but he always made sure his children from his first marriage were taken care of even if they didn't know it.

Growing up I always wanted to have conversations with Paye and my grandma about their past. Everything about their story fascinated me and I wanted to know more. Since Paye mainly spoke Spanish I made it my mission to practice more, taught myself how to write and read in Spanish (this definitely surprised my parents). I did this in order to be able to converse with them, write them letters to show how much I appreciated and loved them, and just have a closer relationship with them.

When my Paye passed away after almost 11 years of battling cancer and finally succumbing after getting shingles, I didn't feel as though I missed out in anything. I took full advantage of the 22 years I was able to spend with him and man were they happy years. My grandpa made me feel like the most special little girl in the world by constantly telling me how proud he was of me and how he knew I'd be successful. I was his little Buddhita (little Buddha) because I was so chunky as a baby. Paye was especially there for me when my dad and I were at our worst, and that to me meant the world.

With that being said, it has always been a point for me to appreciate my family. Even with all of the problems we have, the arguments, disagreements, disappointments, and everything in between, but they are my family. In the last almost 25 years of mine I have gone through countless friends, I've been blessed to keep in touch with a handful, but so many have come and gone. However, those who have stayed consistent have been my family.

Starting with my parents. There have been numerous times in which we've gotten so upset with each other we didn't talk for days, but in the end they're my parents. They did their best as teenage parents to raise me, feed me, provide all they could for me. For my mom being 17 and my dad being 20, they really matured faster than most their age to be the best parents they could be for me. Even when my sister was born 4.5 years later, they worked harder to give us everything they didn't have as kids. My sister and I had such a wonderful childhood filled with more trips to Disney World than many families combined, birthday parties filled with gifts, holidays filled with presents, a great education at a private Catholic school, and all of the love and affection they had to give.

My sister, who let me just say is such a strong woman, has definitely been one of the greatest blessings I received when I was 4. I was so excited when my mom was pregnant with her and once she was born it was as if she was my own. I would change her, feed her, bathe her, and just want to be with her all of the time. Now, 20 years later, I am so proud and grateful for the young woman she has become. Being only 20, she has the mature mind of a 30 year old. She has always been there for me through my teenage boy drama, college stress, and when I moved out on my own. Each other was all we had during my parents divorce that seemed to last years. I couldn't have asked for a more loving and caring sister than her and now we have been blessed to add our baby sister and step brother.

Stemming out to my immediate family, I've been blessed to have aunts and uncles who have been so caring and supportive. My cousins who were my first friends, especially the cousin I grew up with, Mari. Even now as adults, it has become apparent that my mom, sister, and cousins have been my closest and most loyal friends a person could have.

So whenever you catch yourself getting annoyed or wishing your family was different, remember that they are the only family you have in this life. Your parents will always love you, your siblings will always be there for you, and your family will always support you. If there's one main thing I must admit that I've learned over the years...it's that (and it always pains me to admit)...mom is always right! haha Time and time again my mom has warned me about certain people, warned me about certain situations, yet each time I didn't listen. What means the most to me is that she still let me make my own decision and supported it even when she knew it wouldn't work out the way I thought it would. One thing she did always love to remind me of though is that, your mother is always right. ;) 

                                                                                                                                                      
 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” -Ephesians 6:1-4

Appreciating Your Man

It is definitely apparent that we are no longer in the era where the man was the head of the household for every family structure. With women being more independent and waiting longer to marry or have kids, it's definitely given us women the upper hand in what happens in our lives. That includes when we are in a relationship. 

I am an educated 24 year old who started working at 14, studied journalism at DePaul University, bought my own car at 20, moved out on my own at 23, landed my first job at a big media company at 22, now work for the most respected and established media and publishing company in Chicago, and I pay all of my own bills. I would definitely consider myself an independent woman who hasn't had to rely on a man to take care of me in any way possible. 

With that being said, I haven't always been the most tolerable woman to date. I've mentioned that I was mean to my ex of almost 7 years and I truly believe it was because I knew I didn't need him. He was not as motivated as I was to move up in life and he was very much content with staying at his job that still paid him only $9/hour at the age of 21. Of course this isn't a bad thing at all, but having been at the same company for years I expected he'd want more. By the time I was 18yrs old I was making over $10/hour and would always strive to move up the ladder and make more money. I would be the one to pay each time we went out, he never took me out to any nice restaurants unless I planned it, and quite frankly he wasn't the ideal man I wanted for myself. 

The way I viewed it was that if I was a hardworking, educated, and independent woman who didn't expect for a man to take care of me in anyway then I'd want for the man to be on the same level. Since I don't expect to be taken care of financially, my desire was to be taken care of emotionally. However, one of the hardest aspect I've had to deal with being an independent woman has been submitting/subjecting myself to the man. 

To be honest I wasn't quite fond when I was reading the Bible and came across Ephesians 5:22, Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. That is the interpretation in the New American Bible, but in older versions they use submit instead of be subject to. I didn't want to understand naturally being the woman I am, but after God sent me a man who made it easy for me to want to do so is when I began to understand. 

In many cases that I have encountered in my own circle is that the man is the breadwinner who provides for his own. This meaning that the man pays for the major bills such as rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc. Although the woman might work they don't have to worry about whether bills are getting paid. In this situation I see that women are still mistreating their men, talking bad about them, bringing them down. I have yet to experience being taken care of or not having to worry about paying any bills, but I do try to give my person the respect he deserves. I do get frustrated at times, but I refrain from belittling him and making him less of a man. 

When I notice that I have an attitude and acting more mean than usual I just remember why I love him. Before he came into my life I prayed to have a man who gave me his all, who loved me unconditionally, who showed me affection, who was loyal, honest, caring, considerate, attentive, and most of all loved me with all of my flaws. God gave me all of that and more when Mando came into my life. That definitely helps me to take a step back and realize what I have. I truly appreciate the man I was blessed with. 

When you catch yourself wanting to bad mouth your man just remember the following...

If your man is going to work each day to provide for you and your children (if applicable)...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man pays the majority of the bills and your main priorities are the groceries/small items...BE GRATEFUL.

If your man does all the "manly work" around the house such as taking out the trash, fixing broken things, changing light bulbs, etc...BE GRATEFUL.

If your man comes home to you each night after a long day at work...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man tells you he loves you each day and tells you your beautiful...BE GRATEFUL. 

If your man takes you out whenever there is time to show you how much he loves you...BE GRATEFUL. 

If for any reason other than what I have mentioned above makes you realize that you have a wonderful man, who although has flaws just like you do, loves you as you love them then be grateful. 

                                                                                                                                                      

Ephesians 5:22-33

Marriage Like Christ and the Church

²² Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. ²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body. ³¹ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ³² This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

TrichotilloWhat?

Trichotillomania is a hair-pulling disorder that 3.4% of adults, mainly women, are diagnosed with according to Psychiatric Times. Medically considered an impulse control disorder, it is something that is uncontrollable. Not only are you not able to control it, you don't even know you're doing it at times. This hair pulling disorder can mean that a person is pulling out hair primarily from their scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, or any other part of the body. 
I started with trichotillomania when I was about 12 years old. My parents were the ones who noticed it first as I was doing homework and pulling my eyebrow hair at the same time. What you are you doing? My mom asked me with a shocked look on her face. Oh, I didn't even realize I was pulling my hair! I said as I was just as shocked as she was. 
It's been 13 years since then and it's a disorder I still battle each and every day. I would go through phases when it was so bad that I had to color in my eyebrow because I literally would pull the entire last half. I would have to say that up until this last year it's calmed down. I still pull here and there, but I notice that it happens most when I am stressed. As I mentioned earlier this past year has been filled with so many blessings that the stress that does come my way is easily forgotten and overshadowed by my happiness. 
The worst part about having trichotillomania is that there is no treatment for it. There are organizations that can help you deal with it as you'd go see a therapist to talk over your problems with, but no medial cure. For me it was something hereditary, as my mom also has it and has been suffering with it for much longer than me. It is comparable to a bad habit such as biting your nails or grinding your teeth, but this definitely causes more emotional stress. This being that once you pull all of your hair you feel ashamed, embarrassed, regretful, and frustrated. However, during the actual pulling it's like a great sense of releasing stress, it's incredibly hard to explain and even harder to understand. 
In my situation, the pain feel so good. Sometimes I knowingly do it because I am stressed at work to feel better and release stress. It's that feeling of relief like having an itch and scratching it. Most times I do it unknowingly if I'm bored, tired, or stressed. It is known that those who have trichotillomania often times may have other disorders such as depression, anxiety, or obsessive compulsive disorder. It just so happens in my case I've had all three in the span of my 24 years. 
I suffered from depression when my parents were in the midst of their separation/divorce and when my grandfather passed. I suffer from anxiety from time to time due to an unknown heart condition I have where I feel like my heart skips a beat and I can't catch my breath. It's something I've dealt with since sophomore year of high school. 3 heart monitors and various tests later, still no answer as to what it is. Lastly, I do have OCD when it comes to certain things.
What keeps me going is knowing that my health issues are not life threatening and could be worse. Although the heart thing might be in the future, I am healthy now and that's all that matters.

Here are 12 facts provided by the website Pull Free at Last Trichotillimania to help you understand the disorder a bit more beyond my personal description:

1. The majority of Trichotillomania sufferers are girls and women, though men and boys suffer with Trichotillomania, as well.
2. Most suffer in silence and hiding, terribly embarrassed by the disfiguring condition.
3. Compulsive hair pullers typically pull just one hair at a time. 
4. Some compulsive hair pullers pull hair out for hours each day.
5. Many compulsive hair pullers wear hats, wigs, false eyelashes and makeup to cover their missing hair, eyebrows or eyelashes.
6. Some compulsive hair pullers experience times of spontaneous relief from the condition, only to have it return again months or years later.
7. There are no statistics on the number of children suffering with the problem.
8. Children as young as 12 months old have been reported to compulsively pull hair.
9. Trichotillomania is NOT an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  Trichotillomania is medically classified as an Impulse Control Disorder.
10. There currently is no medical cure for Trichotillomania.
11. There currently is no medication or medical or psychological therapy that consistently provides long term relief from Trichotillomania. Nor does hypnosis or Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) consistently provide sufferers with relief.
12. Some child and adult hair pullers ingest hair, which can cause a dangerous, intestinal blockage called a “trichobezoar.”  Those who ingest hair should be evaluated by a medical doctor.

This just goes to show that you never know what a person may be going through. I used to be so cruel, so harsh, and judgmental by assuming things of others. Yet, I never stopped to think what others assume of me. With this knowledge of something you might not know people suffer with, it'd be nice to think twice next time before assuming and/or judging someone for something you may not understand.

He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God's sight.- Luke 16:15

You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one.- John 8:15

Cutting the Umbilical Cord

If there is one thing I cannot stand in this world aside from people chewing with their mouths open (yes I know it's silly, but it's aggravating) it is definitely dating a momma's boy.

Now do not get me wrong I am all for men treating their mom's with respect and knowing they love and care for them, but there needs to be a line drawn. If you are dealing with a momma's boy then you are for sure dealing with the mother-in-law. Let me just say, it's probably the bulk of the problems my boyfriend and I had in the beginning of our relationship and something I wasn't accustomed to.

It could be the fact that my boyfriend didn't move out of his parents house until he was 28, or the fact that his mother feels the need to be in every one's business, or just the fact that he's her oldest son. Whatever the case may be, it was a problem I noticed in the beginning and a problem that took me a year to finally see a change.

I'm not a mother yet so I know that I have no right in telling someone how to raise their child, but one thing I do know is that I liked my parents style of letting go. Letting go of their adult child is something I feel my parents did wonderfully. I'm sure their divorce had a lot to do with it because they were both so wrapped up in their own lives and putting together their individual pieces that my sister and I were unknowingly put to the side, but either way I am grateful they let me go. My mom allowed me to move out at 23 with a friend even though she said it was a bad idea, she wanted me to learn for myself. I definitely realized she was right when I came back home only 4 months later. She was kind enough to let me stay with her until I found my own place 3 months after. My dad didn't really have much of a choice as he wasn't involved much in my life. 

Living on my own at 23 allowed me to become an independent person. Paying my own bills that now included rent, food, household products, utilities, etc. Being an adult is not fun at all, but I am so grateful that my parents had me learn at a young age so that I was capable of dealing with what life throws at you and not freak out as the years go by. With living on my own came spending a lot of time alone. So much time that sometimes it'd make me go crazy, but I needed it. Everyone in my family had their own lives. My dad was with his new family, new baby girl. My mom was busy with her job and getting herself together. My sister was busy working and going to school. So that left me, alone. 

Now my boyfriend on the other hand did not face any of that until he and I moved in together. When he and I started dating and he was still living at home I received nothing but love and warm welcome from his immediate family. As soon as we moved in together it was a different story. Not only was it hard for his parents to let go, but it was a tough transition for him too, financially. We were hit with such a financial crisis as he was laid off from his job and I carried the weight of our finances. Being a man I know it was difficult for him to cope with, but when you love someone you are there in good and bad times. His parents of course didn't realize the financial troubles we were in and the stress I had on my shoulders to carry the weight so they viewed me as the bad guy as to why their son wasn't visiting them often. Mind you, his family lives one hour away and the gas and money we spend is more than what I can afford so we did pull back on the number of times we visit. 

At the same time my family and I started to actually spend time together. My parents and sister knew our financial struggles so they invited both he and I out and would pay. With his family not knowing our situation I understand how it might look and boy did his mom make it known that she wasn't too happy. She went from telling us she couldn't wait for us to get married to well who knows if you'll stay together. 

For me personally, this has been the most amazing year so far as I have received all of the blessings I once lost tenfold. I was blessed with a man who loves me as much as I love him, blessed to have my dad back in my life, blessed to have a strong relationship with my mom, blessed with another baby sister and step brother, blessed to consider my sister my best friend, blessed with a new career that makes me happy, and blessed with a second job that came at the right time for us financially. As I am appreciating and enjoying the blessings in my life it was hard to ignore the negativity his family, mom especially, would throw in the mix. 

You spend so much time with her family, why don't you come visit us often (every weekend is what they expected), you're too busy spending time with your new family (meaning mine), don't forget you have a family too. Every time they would say something like this to him I knew it would hurt him, and it hurt me too. However, it wasn't as if it would be months in between that we'd visit. It would be at least once or twice a month. Also, I didn't understand why it was so terrible if I would last months without seeing my parents because we have busy lives and they understood that, they didn't make me feel bad for it. 

This of course bothered me and I would tell him that he needed to make them understand the situation we were in and that we couldn't go every single weekend as they wanted us to. I did blame him in a way because he didn't nip it in the bud sooner, but I understand it was hard for him because he didn't want to hurt them. I just wanted him to understand, I wanted him to know my pain that they didn't understand. The way I viewed it was that his family had him for 28 years of his life, seeing him almost every single day and now it was my turn. I didn't have the ability to see my parents everyday because of the divorce, because they were busy getting their own lives together. My sister and I haven't lived in the same house since I was 20. So now here is my year, my year to have everything back in my life that I felt was once taken and all I could think of was that his family couldn't understand. They have no idea what it's like to have to split holidays, birthdays, etc. with each parent. No idea what it feels like to work two jobs, work 7 days a week, and not be able to spend quality time with my boyfriend whom I live with. Lastly and probably the thing that irritated me most was that they had no idea what it was like to work harder for both him and I so that he could focus on his career. Working two jobs so that he wouldn't have to get a second job that would distract him from working out or studying to pass the police exams. 

With all of that, I couldn't have time to enjoy what makes me happy? I just couldn't take it anymore. It came to hearing that they felt I was controlling. That is when I couldn't take anymore and had to put my foot down. My boyfriend is now a grown 30 year old man who has his own life now. This doesn't mean he has to leave his family, but I just couldn't deal with being the one to blame for him not being there as often as they'd like him to. After months of telling him he needed to stand up to his mom who constantly made him feel bad for "forgetting" his family, he did it. All I wanted was for them to understand that we are now starting our own life and we know that we want to be together for the rest of our lives so we want to start on the right foot. This meaning that his family needs to realize we can't always be there and not to make him feel bad for it. 

I couldn't stand the fact that his mom felt that she had a say in certain things and it made me feel I had to compete with her. Let me tell you, that is the worst feeling in the world. I didn't go through hell and back in my previous relationships only to come second in this one. I needed him to know that I wasn't going to deal with it. I've come to far to not be number one in someones life, especially since I put him first in mine. 

There are no words to describe how proud I was of him to finally stand up to them, to finally stand up for me. I'm not a bad person who wants to keep him away from his family, but I just want to be given my time too. One thing we have been doing lately is reading the Bible in attempt to grow closer to God and lead better lives. In the Bible it says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.- Genesis 2:24. As I'm mentioned before, we know marriage is in our future so I wanted to be sure he made it known that once we're married and have our family things would change. 

All I want is for us both to have healthy and loving relationship with our families and understanding when we can't always be there. I do believe they needed to learn to let go of their son earlier, but we can't change the past. All we can do is work on creating a better and happier future. If there's one thing I learned from this experience is patience. Patience when dealing with his family. Patience in dealing with his timing on standing up to them. Things have gotten so much better and they now understand that we can't always be there. 

There are a few tips I've learned with dealing with a momma's boy...

• When dealing with his mom you have to tell him how you feel and he has to be the one to correct it, not you. 

• Kill them with kindness, there's nothing greater than being nice to those who try to bring you down. 

• Don't let it get to you. This was a tough one and the longest lesson it took me to learn. I had to realize at the end of the day he comes home to me. 

• Learn to accept it. 

We all have things about our families we wish we could change sometimes, but in the end it's what we're stuck with. We have to learn when we can't change things and just learn to accept it. This will lead to much happier lives when you're not constantly worrying about things we have no control over. However, if he's not willing to put you first then maybe you need to analyze the relationship because we all deserve to come first in our relationships.