The Mother of All My Sins

Sitting on the couch crying and asking myself what to do next? The guy I thought who loved me for the last almost 7 years has just told me he wants me to have an abortion.

For an entire week I debated. If I have the child I will be a single mother and struggle for the rest of my life. The child would not know his father and will have so many issues from the void that I'll know they will try to fill with something else. What will my family think? I mean, I'm 21 and went to college so it's not as bad as being a teen and a high school dropout. How will I manage with work and how could I afford a baby? 

During that week I confided in 3 of my closest friends, one of which was a father himself to two beautiful girls. He was so understanding of my situation and comforted me by telling me he'd be there 100% for me and the baby. My other friend from high school said he too would be there. My mom was so incredibly supportive that she said she would help me out as much as she could. She'd let me live at her house, she'd make the extra bedroom a nursery, she would help by watching the baby when I was at work. She made it a point that I knew she would help me as long as I took responsibility and wasn't one of those mothers who left their baby to their mom to watch while they went out and partied. That would not have been the case with me, but she needed to be sure I knew just in case.

I had the support of everyone who was close to me. The only thing I felt necessary was to at least tell my dad. We weren't close, but I knew it would hurt him deeply if I didn't tell him. So one day I asked him if we could meet up and talk.

My dad came by my house and picked me up. He said we could talk at the park since it was a nice day out. "So what's so important you wanted to tell me in person?" He asked with that look on his face that I knew so well, he was worried, but said it jokingly as he did with everything. "I don't know how to tell you..." I said softly without making eye contact. "Let me guess, you're pregnant?" He seemed to ask as a joke, but also seemed afraid to hear the answer. "Yes, actually I am."

We just sat there for a few minutes in silence. "If it's your ex's I hope you know that you shouldn't keep it," my dad said as he finally broke the silence. "You have your entire life ahead of you and you and him aren't good together. That wouldn't be fair to the baby to grow up with parents who aren't meant to be together and argue all of the time." "He wants me to get rid of it, he doesn't want to keep it, I think it's because he doesn't want any ties to me at all," I told him. "Well I agree, if you need me to be there I will, just let me know," that was the last thing my dad said and all I needed to hear.

The next day I was still going back-and-forth on what to do. I was feeling so sick, sicker than usual, and I noticed that I started to bleed. I'm not on my period and this is a lot of blood, more than I'm used to. Oh my goodness, I think something is wrong. So many thoughts rushed in my mind. "Mom, I need to go to the hospital, I'm bleeding a lot!" At that same moment my mom began to feel sick, I believe it might have been from the stress, and we were afraid she might have had a stroke. So there we go, my mom and I both being admitted to the ER. I called my sister and she called my ex to come along.

I'm laying on the hospital bed feeling so uncomfortable and scared because I hate hospitals and I could think of was how I wished my mom was there and hoping she was okay. First nurse comes in to hook me up to the IV. Second nurse comes in to draw blood, which that in itself is the worst for me as I faint when I see my blood. Then the doctor comes in and tells me that I am 6 weeks pregnant and have lost a substantial amount of blood. "We're going to have to do an ultra sound to see if the baby is okay. Have you been taking care of yourself and taking prenatal vitamins daily?" The doctor asks with a concerned look on his face. "No, I didn't even know I was pregnant until a week ago, I'm 6 weeks? Oh my goodness, I didn't even know. I have been drinking...a lot!" 

At only 6 weeks the baby is too small to be seen through a normal ultra sounds over the stomach so they'd have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I endured so much pain for the next 6 hours as I waited for my bladder to be emptied by having a catheter placed. Once empty I was ready for the ultrasound. As I sat there I waited to hear a heartbeat, there was nothing. I asked the doctor and she said it was normal. Finally I was done and the doctor came back and said I could go home but I would have to take extra care of myself to ensure no more bleeding and that I had to take my prenatal vitamins.

Finally back home I plopped down on the couch and it just hit me like a ton of bricks...I wasn't ready to be a mom. For the last 6 weeks I had been drinking almost every weekend (my partying stage) and not taking care of myself at all. For all I knew the bleeding was a sign that something was wrong with the baby and I told myself I couldn't live with the guilt if I had done something to the baby that would effect them for the rest of its life. I grabbed my laptop and researched abortion clinics. Without telling anyone I called Planned Parenthood and made an appointment for the following Thursday.

The night before the abortion my ex asked if it was okay to spend the night at my mom's since the appointment was at 6am the next morning. Morning came and I was awoken by my alarm. I woke up my mom and my ex, then called my dad who said he would go also. Just before leaving the house I began to tear. My ex asked if I was okay and when I told him I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing he said, "it'll be fine, before you know it you'll be back home and everything will be back to normal." 

There we were...my mom, me, my ex and my dad in that order waiting in the waiting room. The wait seemed so long as I sat there with such sadness in my heart. How could my ex not have tried to stop me? Was our relationship all a lie? "Alexis Pelayo, we're ready for you," a nurse called out. I got up and proceeded to the elevator, scared to the point that I felt the need to pee and sad because no one was allowed to be with me during the procedure.

They bring you down to a basement, yes a basement, as if it isn't scary enough they have to send you down to a dungeon-like area. They handed me a CD player which was weird in itself as I hadn't used one in years with iPods now the new IT thing. I pressed play and listened to all of the warnings, side effects, and what not to do after an abortion. Once that was done they had me speak with a counselor in a tiny room where they proceeded to ask me if anyone was forcing me to do it, explained to me the procedure, and showed me the instruments that would be used. The instruments themselves seemed so scary, but I had chosen to be put to sleep so that I wouldn't feel or remember anything. Once they clear you they send you to have blood drawn. The last step is to have an ultrasound done. "Would you like to keep the picture of your baby?" Asked the nurse. Are you kidding me right now? I'm about to have an abortion and you're asking me if I want to keep a picture as a memento of what I'm about to do? "No," I said.

It was time, I was asked to undress and put on a robe. As I got on the table all I could do was pray. Lord please forgive me for what I am about to do. Please I beg of you to forgive me of my actions. "It's going to be okay sweetie, just relax and count to 10 for me," the nurse was ready to put me to sleep and held my hand to comfort me.

My stomach is in so much pain! Where am I? How in the world am I dressed? Who dressed me? Is it over? Where's my mom? I woke up in a completely different room, completely dressed, and was covered with a blanket. On my blanket was a clear bag with pads that my mom had brought as your told to bring pads for after the procedure. "Hi honey, would you like me to call your mother down?" The nurse at the desk asked as she noticed I was now awake, "you've been out for quite a bit,  just wait for you mom okay honey." Finally I see my mom come through the door and suddenly I felt like a child again. Tears running down my cheeks and I couldn't be happier to see my mom come over to me, hug me, ask me if I was okay.

The entire car ride home I was quiet, tearing the entire time. What have I just done? Did I make a huge mistake? God will you ever forgive me? 


August 25, 2011 I will never forget it. Next month it'll be 3 years since my abortion. Each time I watch a movie, read a book, or see anything that has to do with abortions I can't but cry. The following March my mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, and I went to watch a movie neither of had heard of because it was the only thing playing, October Baby. If you haven't watched it yet, I highly suggest you do. It's a movie about a girl in her late teens who finds out that the reason for so many of her health issues is because she was never meant to live. Her birth mother tried to have her aborted, but she ended up surviving because a nurse didn't want the doctor to notice the baby was alive and have to kill her. In her journey to find her birth mother she meets the nurse who saved her and gave her to her adopted parents. The nurse tells her the gory details of the botched abortion. When she finally finds her birth mother, who is now a successful lawyer who married and had a daughter, she tells her that she has nothing to say and leaves with her husband and daughter.

That movie had me bawling like a baby at the theater, so much that I had to walk out and say I was going to the restroom so they wouldn't notice. No one knew except my mom and I knew if they saw how emotional I was they'd suspect something. That movie gave me an inside look of the effect it had on the girl who shouldn't have survived the abortion and how much pain she was in. Seeing how the birth mom reacted just hit me hard.

After my abortion I began going to church, reading the Bible more often, finding my own way on how to seek forgiveness from God. Has He forgiven me? The Bible says we have a forgiving God and with repentance we are forgiven, so I want to believe He has. I do not regret my decision as I know that poor baby would have suffered due to my being irresponsible with drinking so much and not taking care of myself. However, if I had the chance to talk to each young woman who is pregnant and feels lost I would tell them not to have an abortion if they didn't feel 100% sure. I would tell them that they are not alone, that I understand the feeling, and I know the pain.

There are many physical side effects after the abortion that may include stomach pain, cramping, bleeding, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Most of these side effects are things most women go through during a menstrual cycle so it's not unbearable, but it's the non-physical side effects a woman should worry about. Here is a list of emotional and psychological side effects after an abortion from a site I visited myself after my abortion to search for answers.
 Click here for website

• Regret
• Anger
• Guilty feelings
•  Shame
• Sense of loneliness or isolation
• Loss of self confidence 
• Insomnia or nightmares
• Relationship issues
• Suicidal thoughts and feelings
• Eating disorders
• Depression
• Anxiety

Some women are more prone to having these side effects for the following reasons:

• Previous emotional or psychological issues
• Have been coerced, forced or persuaded to get an abortion
• Individuals with religious beliefs that conflict with abortion
• Individuals with moral or ethical views that conflict with abortion
• Individuals who obtain an abortion in the later stages of pregnancy
• Individuals without support from significant others or their partner
• Women obtaining an abortion for genetic or fetal abnormalities

With my previous emotional issues from my childhood it definitely made it harder for me to cope with, but I am extremely blessed to have a supportive mom who was there for me.

Although I know that God has forgiven me, I do fear that when I do want to have children that I won't be able to. I fear that because of my actions God won't ever let me be a mom. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith. My faith in God that He knows I am truly sorry and understand the great sin I committed.

• For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 6:14-15
  
  
  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9
• Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, -Acts 3:19

Stuck in Love?

6 1/2 years...that's how long I was with my first love for, so just a head's up, this will be a long one.

I was 14, a sophomore at the time and single. My best friend told me during lunch that his cousin was going to be transferring to our school and started the next day. I didn't think too much of it, but the next day he decided to introduce me to his cousin which I didn't know at the time, but I would be in a long term relationship with this guy.

Bald head, shag (long strand of hair at the bottom), coke nails (long pinky nails), over sized jersey, and baggy pants was standing in front of me as we were standing at the stairs in front of school waiting to get picked up. I'm imagining an image of a rapper popped into your head as this was a typical thug look. His attire did not attract me whatsoever, but he was cute and seemed nice. After meeting him for the first time I knew I liked something about him.

We were friends for a few months and everyone knew I liked him. He hadn't had a girlfriend in almost one year so I figured he was nervous to ask me out. One night at a soccer game he asked me to take a walk with him. "I haven't done this in a really long time..." he muttered as he then begins to walk away from me and then turns back. "I'm really nervous, but um, will you be my girlfriend?" With a sense of relief I told him I had to ask my parents and I would give him my answer the next day. Mind you, he was nervous enough as it is and being the goody two shoes I was I had to be sure my parents would allow it, thankfully they said yes.

The rest of sophomore year and junior year went by and we were on cloud 9. I fell in love with him and he with me. It began as puppy love, but as we grew older we grew to really love one another deeply. It was going great until my senior year, he had already graduated high school and was attending a community college.

He stopped trying to surprise me, making me feel special, and stopped giving me affection. I would express my feelings about it, but he'd always assure me that he'd change, which he would until he noticed I was content and then stop again. This went on for the next 3 years. I would get fed up, tell him, he'd be great for the next few weeks, and stop. It was what seemed like a never ending cycle that I was stuck in. I felt as if I were a hamster in its wheel going nowhere. Yet, there I was. Convincing myself that our love was strong enough to get through it all. I ignored so many signs that I now realize God was sending me to tell me that he was not for me.

In the midst of our relationship I began to grow tired of it all and would accept the attention I would get from other guys. I craved attention and affection like I craved sweets. Looking back I know I was wrong, but at the time I would convince myself that it was okay because I didn't get the attention from my boyfriend so it evened out. I would break up with him for 1-2 days, 1-3 weeks, and the longest was 3 months. Then once I got my fix we'd get back together. Not once did I stop and think how much damage I was doing to our relationship and most importantly, to him. He didn't deserve it just as I didn't deserve to be neglected by him. Yet, we stayed. Why? Comfort. We had been together so long, invested so much time, became a part of each others families...how could we walk away?

The summer of our longest breakup was the final off time we'd ever have. I met this guy who would give me all the attention and affection I craved, took me to new restaurants, would take me on fun and interesting dates...everything I wanted. I was happy at the time of course, but there was still that feeling inside of me that wished I was doing all of that with him. With the man who I knew truly had my heart. When my on and off again boyfriend found out I was dating the same guy for over 2 months something inside of him must have clicked. Maybe he thought he was going to lose me for sure that time, but he began to reach out to me. One day, he asks to meet up and let it all out, giving me a heartfelt speech with tears running down his face as he expressed his love for me. "Him or me? If you choose him, this will be the last time you ever see or speak to me. If you come back to me, we will work on us and try to move pass this," he explained. 

Is he serious? My heart is racing, oh my goodness. I cannot lose him. This is finally it, he is going to change. I choose him! I am a terrible person for what I did, but I completely cut off the guy I was dating, didn't respond to his texts or calls, and went back to my love.

By the time it came to our 6th year together it was as if we were an old married couple. Going to the same places, had the same routine, barely told each other we loved each other. We had been off so many times that the trust has dwindled away. He couldn't shake the fact that I had dated that guy and I was still not happy with his lack of affection/attention. Still, we stayed together. We both knew it should have been over long ago, but we were comfortable.

One day in April, now a junior in college, he asked me to skip class that night and spend the day with him. I decided missing one class wouldn't hurt, so I headed to his house after work. I walked inside, as the door was never locked, and walked into the kitchen to say hi to his mom whom I loved dearly. We chatted until he finally came down...in gym clothes. "I'm going to go to the gym for a little with the guys and then we'll do something when I get back," he said.


Are you kidding me? I skipped class for him to leave me alone while he went to the gym? I was fuming, so upset that without thinking I told him we were over, walked out, got into my car, and drove off. Racing home with tears coming down my face all I could think of was how free I felt.

We didn't talk for almost one month, but given that we had so many mutual friends throughout the year we were bound to run into each other. It finally happened in July at our friend's birthday party at a nearby bar/club. We hadn't seen each other so for me seeing him for the first time in almost 3 months my heart and mind were out of control. I missed him, how could I not? I was with this guy for almost all of my teenage years and some, had so many firsts with him, he was my first love.

We said hi and acted as if nothing had changed, hung out with our friends, danced a little, and just had a good time. By the end of the night one of our friends had to go home and he asked if I wanted a ride home since we lived 5 minutes from each other. Oh, yea, did I mentioned we lived 5 minutes from each other? So I let him drive me home and the next thing I knew I woke up in his bedroom....

Ladies, believe me when I say this, if you are broken up and you find yourself in this predicament, PLEASE try very hard to refrain from getting physical. Trust me when I say, it makes the break up even more difficult.

So I wake up, look over at him still sleeping and grab my stuff to leave. He wakes up and asks me where I'm going, I told him home, and he turns around and goes back to sleep. Of course I didn't expect him to ask me to stay and cuddle as I had always been used to, but it did hurt, and I did feel regret. We kept in minimal contact after that with the occasional "hi, how are you" texts, random hookups, etc. Even then I continued to go out and party (this was during my out of control phase I mentioned).

Almost two months later I started to notice I was tired all the time, my boobs were aching, and I was craving chicken nuggets a lot. I didn't think much of it until I was complaining to my mom about and she said her infamous "you better not be pregnant!"

Pregnant? Oh my goodness, I can't be! I quickly sent him a text and asked him to ask him mom, a nurse, if she could please give me a pregnancy test from the clinic. That night we met up so I could get the test when he tells me his mom said to make sure to wait until the next morning to ensure more accurate results. I could barely sleep, so many thoughts running through my mind. How could I be pregnant? And at 21? What will I do?

The next morning I wake up and for a split second almost forgot my dilemma until I went into the restroom and saw the test on the counter. I took the test and laid it on the counter as I went back into my room to wait since I was too nervous to just stare at it for 2 minutes. They were the longest 2 minutes ever, but as soon as it was time I went to check the little test.

Two lines, two very clear lines were staring at me in the face. PREGNANT!

I waited a few minutes in my room as I contemplated how I'd tell my mom. I made my way downstairs, opened her door, turned on the light, and sat on her bed until she woke up. "Good morning mija, why are you up so early?" She asked as she turned around and rubbed her eyes. "I feel blah...""What's wrong, you feel sick?" She asked. "No, I'm pregnant," I said very nonchalant.

My mom, surprisingly, wasn't upset as I imagined she'd be. She asked me if I had taken a test and insisted I take 1-2 more to be sure. So we went to the store and bought a 3 pack. We went home and I took all 3, one-by-one they all came out positive. So my next thought was to call my ex to tell him the news and he said he would be on his way.

He walks in and goes to the kitchen where my mom and I were. "I took 4 tests and all positive," I told him. "Congratulations, you're going to be a dad!" My mom said as she patted him on the back. "Can I talk to you in the living room?" He asked with a straight face.

"We can't keep it, I'm not ready to be a dad, and we're not even together. I'm sorry, but I can't be excited because I don't want any part of it. I'll pay for you to get rid of it and take you, but I just can't right now. I just can't and I don't think you should want to either." He explained. 

All I could think about as he was saying this was, how on earth could a person who I gave almost 7 years of my life to be telling me this right now? This is coming from someone who said he loved me with all of his heart? I cannot believe this right now, I think I might puke. 

As I sat on the couch crying he just stared in silence. After a couple of minutes he stood up and said, "When you finally decide to get rid of it, make the appointment and let me know the day and time so I can take you. But if you decide otherwise, I'm sorry but I can't do it with you." Then without waiting for a response from me he walked out and left.


This was the big sign I felt God brought upon me to finally show me this wasn't the person He meant for me to be with. In my case he clearly didn't love me enough to do the responsible thing which was to stick by me if I wanted to keep the baby. God is constantly trying to give you signals, but it's up to you if you want to pay attention to them and do something about it. For almost 7 years He signaled red flags but I didn't want to see them. So in my mind I knew He had to do something so drastic that I couldn't miss and finally pay attention to. In my next post I will explain all the details of what happened next.

Remember to value yourself, do not let a partner convince you that them mistreating you is okay. A relationship is 50/50 and if you know damn well that it's not even, then leave. Believe me when I say this, YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND BETTER. There will always be someone in this world full of billions of people who will treat you the way you wanted to be treated. Who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Who will love you the way you love them. Who will treasure you, appreciate you, and make you feel like you are the only person in their world. I know this because I found that person. I found my true love after thinking that I would never find someone who would love me the way my ex did. I'm grateful to God that he put me through that break up because then I wouldn't know how to appreciate the amazing Godly man He sent to me.

Life goes on and so will you. Myself along with millions of others have been there and managed to survive, you will too. =)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Daddy's Girl

"Any female (teen or grown up woman) who's UNUSUALLY close to her father. She's typically spoiled and bratty. Usually marries a push-over kinda guy that will treat her like her dad does. Any female who relies solely on daddy to pay for anything. Including rent, bills, etc. Where do you think the term "sugar daddy" comes from." -Urban Dictionary

If you are someone who considers themselves a daddy's girl and after reading that think to yourself, that is so not me, I am with you 90%!

Growing up I was definitely a daddy's girl. If my dad went to the store I wanted to go with, when he'd leave for work I wanted to go with, if he was going out to the garage I wanted to go with. My dad was my hero, the man I looked up to as a little girl and loved him with all of my heart! Truthfully, I was very spoiled, but not bratty. My dad would pay all of my bills (phone and car insurance, except my car payment) until I moved out when I was 20. This is where the 10% comes from as I do agree with the spoiled and having my dad pay for certain expenses.

When I was 12 years old and, as I mentioned before, I began to notice that my dad did not love my mom as she loved him, and I told my mom to leave him. Seeing how my dad would go out, flirt with other women, and not give my mom the attention I knew she wanted hurt me as if he were doing it to me. Even after my mom found out my dad was being unfaithful and had proof, she stayed. She stayed for the same reason so many women stay, she was so madly in love and wanted her children to grow up with their dad in their life. Although I do appreciate her staying for our sake, I still think she made the wrong decision. This is when the daddy's girl phase began to fade out...

My parents marriage grew worse as the years went by and having witnessed everything that went on made me begin to grow angry with my dad. Angry that he couldn't stay faithful to my mom and love her like he once did. I would ask myself all the time, why aren't we enough? Finally, after years of unhappiness and realization that my dad was not going to change, my mom and him separated. That is when my mom began to live her life, go out with friends, hang out with different people, and just enjoy life.

Still living in the same house, but in different bedrooms, I knew they were each seeing other people and as odd as it may seem, my sister and I were fine with it. Mainly because this meant she and I were free to go out as we pleased and get home as late as we wanted, all the while my parents were so busy being free after almost 25 years. It was as if I was the adult in the family and my sister, 14-16 at the time, became my responsibility.

This one summer before the family completely fell apart, my dad told me we'd be going on a family vacation to Orlando. Disney World was always a favorite vacation spot of ours because my sister and I enjoy rides and have gone more times than most children combined. I was so excited and without even thinking I told my mom that we'd all be going, because I assumed it'd be us four as always. A few weeks before we leave my dad confronted me about telling my mom and then told me she wouldn't be going, that it would just be him, my sister, and my boyfriend at the time. I felt so bad, I mean so heartbroken to have to tell my mom that my dad did not plan on her to go with us.

The day arrives for us to leave to Florida, and this was one of the times we decided we'd drive there. My sister, ex boyfriend, and I were waiting for my dad who said he was going to the store to pick something up. Almost an hour later he arrives...and he's not alone. My dad gets out of the car with a big smile on his face as he opens the passenger door and out comes, his GIRLFRIEND!

What an awkward car ride that was, being in the car with a stranger to all of us except my dad. Watching him in the mirror, smiling at her, looking very happy. It was sickening to me because as I later found out, she was one month younger than me. Are you kidding me? My dad is with someone who is my age? So disgusting. 

As the week went by during our vacation my sister and I got to know her and by the end of it we were okay with it, as long as our dad was happy. We had a good relationship with one another for quite a while...and then the incident which turned the fading of me being a daddy's girl to a complete end.

Long story short, my mom and my dad's girlfriend somehow began texting and some very rude comments were exchanged between the two. It was definitely both of their faults and being that my mom was clearly more mature than my dad's girlfriend, should have been the bigger person. However, when you find out your husband is dating someone your daughter's age, it doesn't sit quite well with you and being the bigger person is usually buried in the back of your mind. Somewhere among the texts my dad's girlfriend began to criticize my mom by using some of my mom's disabilities. My mom has always had a case of depression due to her childhood and has had quite a few incidents in which she broke her tailbone, hip, and this caused her to be physically unable to work full time. Now what I don't understand is why my dad's girlfriend knew this, but she basically called out my mom based on her disabilities and saying it caused her to be a terrible mother to my sister and I.

Excuse me? Did you grow up with her as a mother? Did you deal with my dad's infidelity? How dare you say MY mother is a bad mom! At this point I am fuming because although it is something my mom cannot control, I knew it hurt her. So I text my dad and I told him to control that child of his and for her to never speak of my mom like that again.

That text sparked the end of my dad's and my relationship.

That was the point in which I moved out of my dad's house and moved in with my mom. I cut ties with my dad's girlfriend and only spoke to my dad if necessary, mainly for my sister's sake. Living with my friend at the time I began to go out almost every night, I started to skip classes, I lost my job at the bank I was supervisor at, and in the midst of all of that I was losing my boyfriend of almost 7 years.

My dad blamed me for him and I not speaking. He said it wasn't my argument to have gotten in the middle of. How could he not expect me to defend my own mother when he put his mother first since I could remember? As 2 years passed I rarely would see my dad and solemnly communicated via email, usually arguments about how he stood beside his girlfriend and that I needed to grow up. My dad was absent for many things that happened, he didn't meet any of the guys I was dating, he wasn't there for me emotionally when my grandfather passed away, and that was what hurt me the most. My mom stood up and was both my mom and dad for quite some time.

I always had a great relationship with my grandparents on my mom's side and with the presence of my dad gone, my grandpa was there for me more than ever with great advice. He would always support me, tell me how proud he was of me, tell me stories of his childhood, and just be the greatest father figure he was able to be; as he was bedridden from fighting cancer for over 10years and then getting shingles. My grandpa did the best he could and would still talk highly of my dad to me when I would tell him how upset I was. He would tell me how he would want for his children from his first marriage to forgive him as well as he loved them so much. That was what hurt me more, was to see the pain in his eyes when he would talk about his children from his first marriage.

Before my grandfather, my Paye, passed away he told me something so important that it has stayed with me. He told me, "mija (Spanish word for daughter/daughter figure) you have to appreciate everything in this world that God has blessed you with. Right now you are holding all of your blessings in your hand and you have it in a fist. The more you take your blessings for granted the more God has to pry each finger open one-by-one until you're left with an open palm full of nothing."

Now, almost 5 years later, my dad and I have been working on becoming close for the last almost 2 years. The birth of my baby sister Melani was the reason for my wanting to rekindle our father-daughter relationship. I didn't want my sister to grow up and not know her oldest sister or just hear of me. So far it's been getting much better, but having my dad miss almost 3 years of obstacles, events, successes in my life was not how I pictured it.     

 My forgiving my dad could not have been possible without God. After losing so much in just one year I was at my lowest and I needed something to pick me up, I realized I needed God. With God's grace I was able to slowly forgive my dad, leave it in the past, and work on rebuilding our relationship and the relationship with his now fiance.

I know not everyone may be tied to a religion or faith, but when thinking about relationships with your parents just think, you only get one set in your life. If it's something petty or even a situation similar to mine, forgive for yourself. It's also incredibly important that if you have daddy issues to be sure you don't look for that attention in a man...but that will be for another post. =)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 6:45-15

Broken Home

Marriage, as we know, is not easy. My parents have always had a rocky marriage since I could remember. My mom was 17 and my dad was 20 when they had me so they didn't have the opportunity to do what most 21 year old's do, experience life. My mom was madly and deeply in love with my dad, but wasn't her own person. My dad loved my mom, but wanted more and had wandering eyes. As you can tell this combination sounds like a recipe for some type of disaster, and boy did it hit.

By the time I was 12 I knew that my parents didn't belong together. I was very mature for my age and understood more than a normal 12 year old would. Noticing how my dad grew more and more distant from my mom I would tell her to leave him. "Mom why don't you just leave him, he doesn't care as much as you do," I would explain to my mom. What I didn't understand was how hard it is for someone to leave a person they love so deeply (not until I went through it myself which will come later).  Nevertheless, my mom stayed with my dad for the sake of my sister and I growing up with both of our parents. Although her actions were thoughtful, it didn't change the fact that children always sense unhappiness in the home and boy did we sense it.

When I was 14 I remember trying to sleep and having to tune out my parents screaming at each other, which was usual, but this night was different. My sister (10 at the time) and I were in bed and in the midst of listening to my parents argue heard my mom choking. We quickly jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to my dad trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on my mom who had just taken an entire bottle of prescription pills. Long story short, I called 911 and luckily they were able to drain her stomach before it caused any damage. That was the night I almost lost my mom, my best friend. It took me almost a year to forgive my mom. I was hurt, disappointed, and felt betrayed that she would be so selfish and leave her two daughters behind. It was extremely tough to get through it, but in the end she's my mom, I love her, and knew I needed her in my life.  

My parents later divorced when I was 20. People say divorce is hard on children, but what many forget to realize is that when you're an adult you get put in the middle of it. Since you're older you know and understand what is going on. In my case my parents had me right in the middle of it, being the oldest. I was so stressed and just wished I were somewhere else everyday. At the time they divorced my mom moved out and moved back into our other home just a town away. I stayed with my dad because of my sister, 15 at the time, would stay since her high school was in that district.

Eventually things between my dad and I got so bad that when I was 20 I left. It was a spur of the moment decision, I had gotten so upset that I grabbed the biggest bags and luggage I could find and put all of my clothes and belongings in them. I called my mom as I was packing and told her I would be coming to live with her, she was happy of course. My dad walked in as I was packing and he asked me where I was going. He didn't seem too concerned, just confused. I told him I was going to my mom's, but didn't say anything else. I packed my last bag, put everything into my car, and left. That was the last day I ever shared a home with my dad and although I don't regret leaving, I do regret the way I did it. I would have saved myself the time it took to gain my sister's trust back, that was the most important thing to me. My sister means the world to me. Most people have the love you'd expect for them to have for their sibling, but my love for my sister goes beyond that. Marisa is by far the most important person in my life (for my entire life), just writing about this has caused my eyes to tear up. Not once did I stop and think about how my leaving my dad's would effect her and it was selfish of me. At the time I was so upset with how everything changed so quickly that I just acted.

One of the hardest things about this divorce was realizing that my life would never be the same. I am grateful to God that he gave me a beautiful family that was together for 16 years, but man does it hurt to know that it will never be the same. Never will I be able to spend a holiday with both of my parents present. Never will I be able to have another family vacation with both of my parents. This is where the broken home syndrome comes to play. So many children grow up to have a different view on relationships and marriage. You might not even realize that your parents divorce has effected you or maybe you realize it, but don't want to admit it. It's okay, you are not alone, trust me. After the divorce I had even more insecurities, as if I didn't have enough with being a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Just remember that you are NOT your parents, nor will you end up like them, if you don't want to. Just because it didn't work for them, does not mean it's not going to work for you.

Here is the amazing power of God's love and one of the many answers God has given me when I need it and how He has answered my question as to how to help get my point across to help others. I have a book that I read daily, Uplifting Thoughts for Every Day, that offers a daily verse, reflection, and prayer. Today's verse, reflection, and prayer fit so well with my blog post.

Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace. – Isaiah 54:4

Reflection

Some fears are so deep that they come to us all the way from our childhood. We do not understand that these fears still have a certain power over us. But Jesus said, “Fear is useless; what you need is trust” (Luke 8:50). They can be overcome. Focus more on God’s love and less on your fears.

Reading this was such a confirmation of fears that many have after an event in their lives. Remember to always have faith, hope, and knowledge of God's love for us all.

My dad is now with his fiance and together they had my beautiful baby sister Melani. His fiance has a son from a previous relationship and so now I have a 7 year old step brother as well.

My mom has become an even more incredible woman who has found her self worth and has become independent. My relationship with my mom continues to stay strong and as I grow older I start to notice more and more that mothers are in fact, always right. :)

If you are dealing with it now, just know the pain will slowly dwindle down, but truth be told will never go away. You'll learn to deal with the fact that your family is no longer together, but it doesn't change the fact that you will always be connected. I have been truly blessed to have been given such amazing and loving parents and most importantly the greatest sister that anyone could have asked for!

Early Childhood

As I mentioned in my prior post, I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. My grandmother, dad's mom, was never quite the traditional Mexican mother or grandmother. As far as I am concerned, her main priority was always herself and her happiness. By the time I was 6 she was on her third marriage to a man whom I considered a monster. For about a year, ages 6-7, he would molest me and masturbate in front of me when my grandma wasn't around. Being so young I didn't fully understand, but I knew something wasn't right. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself for some reason. Because of this I kept it inside of me for quite sometime until one day I couldn't hold it any longer and told my parents. I remember seeing the pain in their faces, the worry, the guilt they must have felt to not know. To this day I am able to relive the day my dad sat my grandma and her husband down in the living room as I watched from our second floor foyer and confronted him. I remember the look on my grandma's face, a look of shock and sadness. But, not sadness for me, but for herself because now she was forced to leave him. Never did I forget that, the feeling that my grandma didn't seem to care. To this day we've never talked about it and I've never had the ideal granddaughter/grandmother relationship.

Now, almost 20 years later, it still haunts me at times. There are certain movies I would try to watch that has to do with men preying on little girls and it is so hard to watch. I mean you would think it was happening to me, as if I were being abducted. It's a terrible feeling. I did see him when I was about 16-17 years old at a local shopping mall and this man had the audacity to smirk at me! It was as if that moment was going by in slow motion as he walked through the food court with his arm around a woman, I'm assuming his girlfriend or wife. I was having lunch with my dad and I waited until he was out of the building to tell my dad. Mind you my dad is a cop and was working so he had his gun on him, not the best time to mention I just saw the man who was to blame for traumatizing me and causing some of my insecurities. My dad could tell I was shaken up, but tried his best to put me at ease. He proceeded to tell me how much I have grown as a person despite having gone through such a traumatizing experience at such a young age.

If you suffered from sexual abuse as a child, or know someone who has but hasn't told anyone please encourage them to. When you speak out about it, it helps you to heal, trust me. It'll be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and you can begin to enjoy life as you should, to its entirety. After reading numerous articles on the effects of sexual abuse as a child who is now an adult they all had the same major points. "Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression, guilt, shame, self blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociative patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems."

I'm sure after reading that you are thinking in your head, wow that sounds like a pretty messed up person. It is a lot to handle and it does change your perspective in life with those you trust. Still to this day I get nervous when I am alone with men, even those I have been close with or see as father figures. It is the most terrifying thing to even imagine someone you know who cares for you is capable of doing such a thing. Personally, I know that I have dealt with depression, guilt, shame, self blame, anorexia when I was 13, anxiety throughout my entire life, and relationship problems due to lack of intimacy at times. I'd be lying if I said that there was a way to completely rid yourself of the pain its caused, but it does get better.

Preventing child sexual abuse is almost impossible, but I do encourage parents to be more vigilant in your child's behavior. If you notice that your child's mood changes when they are going over someones house, if they seem to be more down than normal, or if they shut you out start to ask questions. I'd also like to include a list below found on www.parentsprotect.co.uk that I found to include more signs.

What to watch out for in children:

• Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
• Nightmares, sleeping problems
• Becoming withdrawn or very clingy
• Becoming unusually secretive
• Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure
• Regressing to younger behaviors, e.g. bed wetting
• Unaccountable fear of particular places or people
• Outburst of anger
• Changes in eating habits
• New adult words for body parts and no obvious source
• Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts
• Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities)
• Physical signs, such as, unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy
• Running away
• Not wanting to be alone with a particular child or young person

Lastly, if your child is a victim of sexual abuse I cannot stress enough how important it is to tone down your reaction once you become aware. One of the scariest things for a child or even a grown up to do is confide in someone and let them know they have been sexually abused. I was terrified when I told my parents and I know that it hurt them so much that it caused them to panic. This in turn made me panic and regret saying anything. Try to muster all of your courage to be calm, collective, and be sure to ask questions, but be mindful of the child's emotions. My mom freaked out and wanted to take me to the hospital right away, I was mortified, scared and frankly regretful that I had said anything. Luckily my dad, having always been more calm and reasonable, calmed her down and just waited for me to let it all out. I don't blame my mom of course because I can only imagine what was going through her mind, but it was one of the scariest moments in my life.

Isaiah 41:10 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

My Story

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything, but the reason for me starting my blog was to share my story with you. We all know each person goes through their own battles daily and come out a different person. Well here is the story of the many battles I faced and how I learned from it. My intentions are to reach out to young women who find themselves in tough situations and feel alone. You are not alone, God is with us in our good times and bad times.

Being only 24 years old I would have to say that I have been through a lot. At the time of each obstacle I faced I didn't understand why it was happening to me. I was a very hardworking and motivated person growing up. I made sure to end high school with a good GPA, made sure to get into the university I wanted to attend, worked while attending school to have my own money. I also felt that having went through two traumatizing events in my childhood, being molested as a child by my grandmother's third husband and my moms suicide attempt when I was 14, that I was able to go about life as normal as I possibly could.

Then as a young adult, within the span of about 3 years I was faced with ending a 7yr relationship, my parents divorcing, losing the relationship with my dad, losing my grandfather, getting fired from a job, losing myself and going through a reckless stage, and an unplanned pregnancy.

All of this, and I will go into detail each day with each obstacle, made me the woman I am today. Even after facing such obstacles, I am grateful to God. Grateful that He put me through the toughest obstacles that really put me to the test. Had it not been for me having to break down and lose myself I wouldn't have picked up the good pieces and become the strong and independent woman I am today.

I pray that as you read what I went through and see that I was able to overcome it that you may see that there is hope. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Know that we can go through the worst times when we feel as though it can't get any worse, but you can and WILL get through it. Life goes on and so will you. Just be sure to stay positive and take the opportunity given to you to start fresh and make the next chapter in your life a good one.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.