Early Childhood

As I mentioned in my prior post, I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. My grandmother, dad's mom, was never quite the traditional Mexican mother or grandmother. As far as I am concerned, her main priority was always herself and her happiness. By the time I was 6 she was on her third marriage to a man whom I considered a monster. For about a year, ages 6-7, he would molest me and masturbate in front of me when my grandma wasn't around. Being so young I didn't fully understand, but I knew something wasn't right. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself for some reason. Because of this I kept it inside of me for quite sometime until one day I couldn't hold it any longer and told my parents. I remember seeing the pain in their faces, the worry, the guilt they must have felt to not know. To this day I am able to relive the day my dad sat my grandma and her husband down in the living room as I watched from our second floor foyer and confronted him. I remember the look on my grandma's face, a look of shock and sadness. But, not sadness for me, but for herself because now she was forced to leave him. Never did I forget that, the feeling that my grandma didn't seem to care. To this day we've never talked about it and I've never had the ideal granddaughter/grandmother relationship.

Now, almost 20 years later, it still haunts me at times. There are certain movies I would try to watch that has to do with men preying on little girls and it is so hard to watch. I mean you would think it was happening to me, as if I were being abducted. It's a terrible feeling. I did see him when I was about 16-17 years old at a local shopping mall and this man had the audacity to smirk at me! It was as if that moment was going by in slow motion as he walked through the food court with his arm around a woman, I'm assuming his girlfriend or wife. I was having lunch with my dad and I waited until he was out of the building to tell my dad. Mind you my dad is a cop and was working so he had his gun on him, not the best time to mention I just saw the man who was to blame for traumatizing me and causing some of my insecurities. My dad could tell I was shaken up, but tried his best to put me at ease. He proceeded to tell me how much I have grown as a person despite having gone through such a traumatizing experience at such a young age.

If you suffered from sexual abuse as a child, or know someone who has but hasn't told anyone please encourage them to. When you speak out about it, it helps you to heal, trust me. It'll be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and you can begin to enjoy life as you should, to its entirety. After reading numerous articles on the effects of sexual abuse as a child who is now an adult they all had the same major points. "Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression, guilt, shame, self blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociative patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems."

I'm sure after reading that you are thinking in your head, wow that sounds like a pretty messed up person. It is a lot to handle and it does change your perspective in life with those you trust. Still to this day I get nervous when I am alone with men, even those I have been close with or see as father figures. It is the most terrifying thing to even imagine someone you know who cares for you is capable of doing such a thing. Personally, I know that I have dealt with depression, guilt, shame, self blame, anorexia when I was 13, anxiety throughout my entire life, and relationship problems due to lack of intimacy at times. I'd be lying if I said that there was a way to completely rid yourself of the pain its caused, but it does get better.

Preventing child sexual abuse is almost impossible, but I do encourage parents to be more vigilant in your child's behavior. If you notice that your child's mood changes when they are going over someones house, if they seem to be more down than normal, or if they shut you out start to ask questions. I'd also like to include a list below found on www.parentsprotect.co.uk that I found to include more signs.

What to watch out for in children:

• Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
• Nightmares, sleeping problems
• Becoming withdrawn or very clingy
• Becoming unusually secretive
• Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure
• Regressing to younger behaviors, e.g. bed wetting
• Unaccountable fear of particular places or people
• Outburst of anger
• Changes in eating habits
• New adult words for body parts and no obvious source
• Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts
• Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities)
• Physical signs, such as, unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy
• Running away
• Not wanting to be alone with a particular child or young person

Lastly, if your child is a victim of sexual abuse I cannot stress enough how important it is to tone down your reaction once you become aware. One of the scariest things for a child or even a grown up to do is confide in someone and let them know they have been sexually abused. I was terrified when I told my parents and I know that it hurt them so much that it caused them to panic. This in turn made me panic and regret saying anything. Try to muster all of your courage to be calm, collective, and be sure to ask questions, but be mindful of the child's emotions. My mom freaked out and wanted to take me to the hospital right away, I was mortified, scared and frankly regretful that I had said anything. Luckily my dad, having always been more calm and reasonable, calmed her down and just waited for me to let it all out. I don't blame my mom of course because I can only imagine what was going through her mind, but it was one of the scariest moments in my life.

Isaiah 41:10 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.