As my husband and I begin to prepare for our holy matrimony, we recently took our pre-cana classes, which is one of the requirements before getting married in Church. To be honest, we both expected it to be boring and long. However, to our surprise it was something we both came out of feeling incredibly enlightened and filled with great lessons for the obstacles we have faced and will face in our marriage.
Below are the key points we learned in our pre-cana class that I truly believe can be beneficial to marriages even outside of the Church.
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Husband and Wife are the Church in their home, with God overseeing the home.
We both have struggled with making Church a priority in our home by semi-regularly attending Sunday mass. However, we both have promised each other that we will make it a priority from now on to ensure we continuously keep God the focus in our marriage and all else will fall into place.
The man must leave his mother and father and is now one with his Wife.
This is pretty self explanatory, but yet the hardest for some men to do, even women. For me the transition came easy as I was already living on my own when I met my husband, but as you may have read in my previous posts it wasn't the easiest thing for my husband to do.
Husband and Wife are first, second is the children (if any) and third is everyone else. If the husband and wife are not a strong unit, the children will notice the disconnect and will give them that perception of what a marriage should be like. This has always been an issue for many marriages, with mom's especially. In our pre-cana class alone there were two mother's who admitted they would tell their spouse that their children came first. The Priest made it a point to correct them and remind us all that when we take a vow to marry our spouse, we vow to put that person first above all else. The man and wife are the head of the household and if they're bond isn't tight-knit, everything else can fall apart.
Be open to affection and acts of love.
Do not put anyone else's preferences on PDA above showing your spouse your love and affection. For me, this has been an issue because of the fear of making those around me uncomfortable with my showing affection to my husband. I now understand that as a man and wife, it's okay to show affection because he is my husband and we are married. A kiss here or there, holding hands, hugging, these are all public forms of affection that are vital in a marriage to always feel loved by one another. Something we have instilled in our relationship from the start has been to always kiss each other good night and good morning, this truly helps to start and end each day on a positive note.
Open communication is key on both parts.
Assuming should be the last thing that is ever done in a marriage. Men shouldn't assume the woman to nag, cry, or be on their menstrual cycle and therefore not take into consideration what they are expressing. Women, do not assume your husbands will read your mind, be open and firm about what you're trying to express or expect. It's truly a blessing that both he and I are extremely open with one another and have great communication. At times there are struggles, but very minimal.
Know where you stand on the desire of a family.
Discussing how many kids you each want, or if you even want kids, is imperative before getting married. You definitely do not want to deceive the other with hopes of a family in the future and have no intention of ever doing so. Know where you stand and ensure your partner is aware as well.
Open talk about finances.
Finances has consistently been the number one issue in marriages. Always know that you are one now and there is no "my money is mine only" it's the money for your home and for your family, which is each other. This, I admit, has been a struggle of mine as well. I've been fortunate to be able to provide for myself for quite some time and having to share was hard for me in the beginning. However, I have learned from the first obstacle my husband faced after being laid off that it was my job to keep us afloat and that I did. I know if the tables were reversed, he'd do the same thing for our marriage.
Defend your spouse always.
Defend them against family (parents, siblings, extended family), friends, and strangers, within good reason of course. This is especially true in the Latino culture, unfortunately, because parents are so used to having their kids so close that they forget to create a life of their own with their own family. A great example given to us by the instructor, was an example of their own marriage and it brought me to tears.
"If your spouse feels disrespected or unwelcome by your family and you make excuses that they're taking it the wrong way or that's just the way they are, then you are taking the side of your family and make your spouse feel alone or on the other side. Instead of making excuses, shield your spouse and tell your family either they respect and treat your spouse with kindness or risk losing communication. Your spouse is your family first now, everyone else is second."
This brought me to tears not only because of the pain I could feel in his wife's eyes as she was standing next to him as he told us the story, but because he himself was in tears just reminiscing the pain he caused his wife all of those years that he was afraid to stand up to his family.
It is no secret that this has been a battle of my own, but I have been reminded constantly to be patient and it has served me well. My husband has slowly but surely defended me and has made it a point to take a stand, whatever means necessary. One thing I would want all families to know when a relative of theirs marries someone and brings them into the family...remember that the new family member is exactly that. A new family member. They are not a random or fling that your relative is casually bringing around, it is their spouse, their partner, and the person who makes them happy.
Never badmouth your spouse.
No one needs to know your marital problems, unless you are confiding in your godparents of vigil, you do not want to risk others seeing your spouse in a negative light. I understand we all need to vent here and there, but keep in mind that those you vent to will always remember what your spouse has done and may hold it against them.
Forget about the social norms regarding your wedding, marriage, and family life.
Live as husband and wife the way God intended, and you will overcome any and all obstacles the marriage faces together as one. A good example the instructor's gave was that of a friend of theirs. In their friend's family it was almost customary that the couple have children soon after getting married. Of course, this is what does happen in many marriages, but for this couple it was nearly expected of them. Ultimately they decided not to give into the demands and expectations of their family, but waited until they were each ready. It's important to always keep your wants and needs first and not let the pressure of those around you persuade you.
Before all of the above, God is first.
God is to be the center of our marriage, the one we lean on during difficult times, our counselor, therapist, our guide. With God, all things are possible. Ensuring that Sunday mass is attended, daily prayers are prayed, and giving thanks for our blessings is essential not only to our marriages, but our everyday lives.
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After we walked out of that class we both looked at each other and nearly in tears at this point knew what the other needed from us. Knowing that my husband finally understood my pain in some of the stories and lessons told to us was like being able to finally let out a big exhale. I'm sure the same was for him with the obstacles I too have caused.
Since that day we have tried harder to do better for each other and in our marriage to prepare us for the day next month when we bring God into our marriage.
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