It has been exactly 6 weeks since my husband and I lost our son Ezra and each day feels more difficult than the day before.
This last Sunday was Mother's Day and it was most certainly not the way I imagined I'd be spending my first mother's day. It was even harder to cope because for everyone except my husband, mom, and sister I was not fully acknowledged as a mother. To say that it hurt is an understatement. That is why I would love to share some suggestions for those who may not know how to approach someone in your life who has lost a baby, at any stage.
Acknowledge Her as a Mother.
We become moms the moment we find out we're pregnant. From that moment on we begin to take care of ourselves to ensure our baby is growing strong and healthy. We take our prenatal vitamins, we try to worry less, are careful about lifting heavy things, eat healthier, drink more water...all of this to care for our babies. We begin to talk to our babies, play music to them, feel their kicks, feel their unpleasantness over our food as we get sick, and see them in our ultrasound pictures. Be mindful of this as you speak to a woman who is not blessed to have that baby they cared for in the womb here on earth to love and raise.
Be Considerate of Bringing Your Babies Around Her.
Most women who have lost their babies and didn't get to hear them cry are mostly likely not going to be emotionally okay to see or hear babies around them. Before visiting a grieving mother, be sure to ask their partner or someone close whether the mom is comfortable around babies or toddlers. This may be a severe trigger for grieving moms. Personally, I did not want to see or hear any babies after losing Ezra, and to this day I'm still not 100% comfortable. It's always better to be sure than to assume the mom will be okay seeing you with your babies/toddlers/children, especially because they may feel wrong or bad for asking you not to bring your child around for the fear of sounding mean. I recall feeling broken and beaten when I heard babies around me the day I lost my Ezra and the day we buried him.
Texting First is Welcomed
Days before, during, and after losing Ezra I was flooded with texts. I answered each at my pace, but it was nice to know that people cared. It was also nice to receive a text first before a phone call, this way you know whether they are up for talking. Each day can be different for a grieving mom, sending a text allows them to communicate at their own timing. It also provides a nice distraction.
Address Their Baby By Their Name
Having people tell me they were sorry for us losing Ezra, that Ezra was loved, that Ezra is in God's hands now was the type of messages and gestures we loved to hear. Just hearing his name validated his existence. Being general with the loss may make the mom feel you're being passive in that their baby didn't exist because they're not here anymore. By calling their baby by name you are acknowledging their existence and at the same time that they are a mother.
Stay Away From These Lines
"He/she was probably going to have an illness or defect." - No one knows that for sure and it's not comforting to hear.
"Life goes on." - We know life goes on, we're currently listening to this and thinking how dare you say that to me.
"You need to be strong." - Why? Who am I being strong for? I just lost my son, I do not need to be strong for anyone. It's okay for me to fall apart.
"You will have another baby." - But we wanted our son Ezra. No mother begins a pregnancy thinking, if this doesn't go as planned I can just try again. It is beyond insensitive to say if the mom is still freshly grieving.
"It's time to get back into your normal routine." - Nothing is normal anymore. Our plans of having our baby here in x days/weeks/months is no longer happening.
"At least it happened now instead of years later when you got a chance to know your child." - Losing a child at any age is a parent's worst nightmare no matter what age. I knew my son, I knew the plans we had for him and how we would raise him. Again, beyond insensitive.
Offer Your Helping Hand
Women who lose babies still go through the motions women who go home with babies do. We still go through after labor contractions as our uterus shrinks. We still bleed heavily. We still lactate. We may even be in pain or discomfort if we went through a vaginal birth. After giving birth to Ezra, I could not sit still, so I moved around a lot and because of this my uterus muscles became inflamed. My contractions were still painful up to 5 days after labor. My tailbone became aggravated from having 5 injections in less than 24 hours in the same spot (4 from spinal anesthesia and 1 epidural shot). I was producing so much milk it was like a running faucet. Offering to help make a meal, take groceries, or even just to sit and comfort them makes a world of difference. My mom came by often, and when we were up for company, to make sure my husband and I were doing okay.
Listen
After losing Ezra I wanted to be as open as I possibly could be with everyone. I wanted the world to know I had a son and he was gone. I wanted this known because so many women suffer in silence. So many women are made to feel their babies were not in fact babies and suffer these losses alone. Sharing the loss of Ezra brought many messages from women I had not spoken to in years telling me I'm not alone as they also lost a child. Each listened as I shared my story and in the end knew that we shared an experience we would never wish on anyone. Listening to a grieving mom is crucial for her to feel understood and heard.
Do Not Make Them Come To You
When going through the motions of the magnitude of the loss it's nice to know you can count on others. My mom came over constantly to ensure we were eating and there wasn't anything we needed. It's important that if you want to be here for the grieving parent that you go to them and not the other way around.
Don't Forget About Dad
My poor husband did not know loss before our son, and for this to be his first loss breaks my heart for him. Remember to honor and acknowledge the father as well as he too has lost. He may not feel the physical effects of having brought life into the world, but he feels the loss. Be sure in any token of affection and condolence that you include him as well.
For those who do not know the pain of losing someone, many blessings and may it be years before you do. I've lost before and I thought it was a pain I could never feel again, until now. Know that a mother who has lost a child, has lost a part of herself. The day we buried Ezra I wasn't able to cry as much as others around me because it hurt more physically than it did emotionally. As they poured the dirt over his small casket I literally felt as though someone had come up to me, ripped out a chunk of my heart, threw it in the grave, and continued to pour dirt. I never thought I could physically feel my heart breaking, until that day.
So please, when dealing with a grieving mom, be mindful of her broken heart. Offer nothing but love, compassion, support, understanding, time, and acknowledgment.
Praying for all of you pregnant moms, may you go on to continue healthy pregnancies and deliver healthy babies.
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