Sunday, April 1st, 2018
It's Easter Sunday, my twin nieces 2nd birthday, and I'm finally feeling better at 18 weeks pregnant. My hubby and I headed over to my sister-in-law's house for my niece's birthday party and we were both looking forward to show off my now very visible bump and discuss how excited we were that we had just found out the week before we are having a baby boy.
The party is going great, I'm able to eat a burger (which is rare for me as I never crave red meat) and I felt the urge to use the restroom. As I wiped I noticed the toilet paper stained with bright red blood. My initial reaction is that maybe it's normal spotting as so many of my apps mentioned can happen at this point in my pregnancy, so I dismiss it. Not even 45 minutes later I have to use the restroom again. As I'm getting ready to wipe I'm incredibly nervous and praying I'm not spotting again and it was only a one-time deal. I look and the blood isn't as bright, but before I can even turn around to flush I felt a sharp pain that was so intense I had to crouch down and couldn't stand up straight.
As I walked out of the restroom my hubby asked if I was okay because I'm sure he could see the worry written all over my face. I tell him about the spotting and tell him I'm going to make a quick phone call to my OB. As I'm listening to the phone ringing I'm just praying they tell me it's normal and nothing to worry about. As I explained the spotting the OB responded with concern advising me to go to the emergency room and have an ultrasound done to ensure there weren't any major issues.
As I hung up the phone I looked at my husband and said, "we need to go to the hospital now." We only told his mom we were going to the hospital and that we'd keep her updated. Since we were far from home we went to the nearest hospital by my sister-in-law's house. We ended up going to an urgent care center first that we mistook for the hospital, but was sent to the correct location. They were quick to admit me and as soon as I got into the hospital robe the ultrasound technician came into the room. She performed a transvaginal ultrasound, which was the first since being pregnant for me. he provided us with pictures and told us the doctor would be in to see us and go over any issues, if any.
Not even 10 minutes later the doctor came into the room, introduced himself, and behind him came the same ultrasound tech with the machine. At that moment I knew something was wrong and my heart began to race. For the next 5 minutes or so as the tech conducted a second ultrasound the doctor just watched the screen in silence. Once she was done, she handed me another set of pictures and left the room. Then the doctor's mood changed and he had a serious look on his face.
"Okay, we have a major problem here. It seems you have an incompetent cervix. Your cervix is dilated 1.95cm, you have a tear in your wall, and it's caused a chunk of your membrane to stick out and is now exposed in your vagina. I am going to have you lay in a trendelenburg position (image below) starting right now until you can see a high risk specialist tomorrow morning." He went on to draw a semi-decent sketch of what my situation looked like and how it was dangerous to our son who was now exposed to the bacteria in my vagina due to the membrane sticking out. He advised me to try and get some sleep, although I'll be very uncomfortable, and I was not to move at all until I could see the specialist.
Image from History of Surgery and Anesthesia website
My heart stopped when he told me the baby was at risk due to the bacteria and the tear. All I could think of was, is he going to be okay, am I going to be okay. The nurse transferred me to the labor and delivery unit where I was put into a room, that at that time, I was unaware I'd be in for the next 4 days. I could not sleep at all that night and before the nurses left they attached a contraction monitor to my stomach to ensure I wasn't in early labor.
Monday, April 2nd
The next morning I was anxious for the specialist to come in and see me. All night I prayed to God for Him to watch over my baby and make everything okay again. I was still in shock that I went from celebrating Easter with my in-laws, to being in a hospital unaware of what would happen with our son. It was a little after 9am when the specialist knocked on the door and introduced herself to me. At this point my mom had already arrived at the hospital and was in the room for the series of questions the specialist had to ask in order to evaluate the situation.
She went on to explain that my only option to save my son was to have a procedure called a cervical cerclage, or a cervical stitch. It is basically a surgical procedure in which the cervix is sewn closed during pregnancy and is used as a treatment for cervical incompetence or insufficiency, when the cervix starts to shorten and open too early during a pregnancy causing either a late miscarriage or preterm birth. She explained that in order for them to determine whether I could even have the procedure done they would need to conduct another ultrasound to ensure there are no abnormalities with the baby, because if there were, the procedure could not be done. She said she would have a nurse bring me to the ultrasound office immediately so that if I were able to have the cerclage done, they could do it as soon as possible.
I was now about to have my third ultrasound in less than 24 hours and seeing our little Ezra still moving around gave us so much hope. The tech advised the specialist that there were no abnormalities with our son and I was cleared for the procedure. At this point, I was beyond nervous and scared. The anesthesiologist came in to discuss the details and side effects of the spinal anesthesia I would be given and advised me I'd have to go in alone. "We will come back to get you in about 20 minutes." 20 minutes...I began to get anxious again and tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"You're going to be okay mija, just keep praying," my mom reassured me. I told the nurse I needed to use the restroom before going into the operating room. Everyone cleared the room as I used the bedpan. When I get nervous I tend to go number two, and this one felt extremely different. I felt a large amount of liquid, that was not urine, come out and it scared me. "Can you please check the pan, I think some other liquid came out and I'm not sure what it is," I told the nurse. "Don't worry, it's your nerves, everything is okay," she insisted.
It was not.
As they came in to wheel me into the operating room I began to bawl, I was so nervous. I asked if I could take my phone and headphones to listen to music to calm me down, and thankfully they allowed me to do so. I began playing my relaxing playlist which consists of Mozart and Beethoven. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven is what I was listening to as they wheeled me into the incredibly all white and freezing room, quite dramatic as I'm sure it sounds. Still tearing and now shaking from a mixture of the nerves and being cold, the nurses moved me from my bed to the operating table.
"Okay honey," the specialist comes over to me, "we're going to give you four injections on your lower back to administer the anesthesia. You need to keep still and cannot move at all. I'm going to stand right in front of you as you sit very still for me. Here, put your arms around my waist." She placed her forehead against mine and whispered, "just stay calm, we're going to take care of you." This truly helped soothe me and in went the four injections. Slowly I began to feel my left leg go numb and then my right. I lied back down and they put me back in the trendelenburg position to prepare for the procedure. She raises a large swab and says, okay this is the first step, we're going to insert this before we can begin. I could faintly hear her as I'm now listening to Requiem: Lacrimosa by Mozart.
"We need to stop," I hear the specialist tell the three nurses at her side, "I'll be right back to double check this." She left the room for what felt like another eternity and returned 2 minutes later. She instructed the nurses to take my legs off the stirrups and came to my side, "I'm so sorry sweety, do you see the blue on this swab? That's your amniotic fluid. It seems your bag burst sometime after the ultrasound and before coming in here, you've lost too much fluid and we can no longer do this procedure. I'm so sorry," she said as she hugged me.
My heart broke into what felt like billions of pieces and I just laid down and cried as if I were alone in the room. I knew it. I knew the liquid I felt before coming in here while using the restroom was not normal and it was not urine. That was my only chance, and it hit me, I was going to lose my son...my precious baby. They let me lie there for a few minutes as I cried uncontrollably and then moved me back onto my bed. Each nurse and the anesthesiologist gave me their condolences as I passed them on my way back to my room. Before getting into the room I used all of the energy I could muster to turn to my left side so as not to make eye contact with my husband or my parents as they rolled me back into my room. I was still very numb from the anesthesia.
"Wow, that was fast," I could hear my husband tell the specialist. She was silent and didn't speak until my bed was in place and I was hooked up again to the IV. At this point I sensed my husband, my parents, and my in-laws who had arrived while I was in the operating room, knew something was wrong. "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't go through with the procedure..." the specialist explained the situation to them as I started to cry uncontrollably again. My dad was the first to come to my side and kept saying he was sorry as he hugged me. My mom then joined on the other side and hugged me as she cried, "I'm so sorry mija." Then I felt my husband come to my side and he began to cry as he stood there holding my hand, but stayed silent as I'm sure he didn't know how to process what he had just heard.
"Are there any other options?" My father-in-law asked the specialist. At this point the other doctor who had seen us the night before joined the specialist in the room. "There is another option, but we strongly advise against it. Alexis can refuse further treatment here and be discharged to go home and see how long she can last before going into labor naturally, which at this point can be any day now as she has lost most, if not all, of her amniotic fluid. There are many risks to this choice, she can get an infection and lose her life. She can go into labor and give birth at home as she may not make it in time to go to the hospital. Her membrane remains outside of the sac, her tear is still open, and she will continue to dilate. In order for her to go this route she will need to be on bed rest and hope she can last another 6 weeks without going into labor. The chances are less than 1 percent. If she were to have her baby before the 6 weeks there will be nothing any hospital can do to save the baby, as the earliest a baby can be put on any machine is 24 weeks, and she is only 18 weeks. Again, we strongly advise against this and when she is ready we advise on inducing her labor here at the hospital so she can be monitored and taken care of after labor."
At this point I was shaking uncontrollably from the effects of the anesthesia I was given and couldn't even begin to process what was just explained. I requested time to think, time to process, and to make a decision. I asked them to give me the rest of the day, which at this point it was already 11am, to take it all in. They agreed and told me to notify the nurse of our decision who would then relay the message to them. A few minutes later I received a phone call from my OB, the doctor we had been seeing since we became pregnant. I was relieved to hear her voice as the entire time we had been there I wished she was there, a familiar face. She told me the specialist and doctor filled her in on everything up until that point. "Ultimately it's yours and your husband's decision, but my professional suggestion would be to induce. Attempting to not go into labor for 6 weeks is risking the health of not only your baby, but you as well. I agree with the specialist that you should be induced and as much as I know it hurts, and again, I'm so sorry, but you can try again after one cycle or whenever you are ready. My priority is keeping you safe and unfortunately without amniotic fluid your baby will, inevitably, have many unknown health issues. When and if you choose to get pregnant again, we now know you have an incompetent cervix and will require you to have the cerclage done at 12 weeks. This will ensure you will be able to carry the baby at least 34 weeks." She continued to explain her medical opinion on the matter, offered her condolences again, and we hung up.
I told my husband about our conversation and after a small pause he said he agreed with the specialist and our doctor. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, but he knew I too trusted what our doctor and the specialist advised. He informed our nurse Christy, who then relayed the decision to the specialist. Christy told us that afternoon that I would be induced at 9am the next morning. Christy was our morning nurse, who made it a point to be incredibly caring, compassionate, and sensitive to our situation.
I went through the remainder of the day like a zombie. I felt everything and nothing all at once. So many negative thoughts racing through my mind. Am I being selfish, should I not risk my life to maybe save his, am I being punished? Our nurse Christy made sure to check on me every hour to ensure I was comfortable and not in any pain.
When it was time for the nurse shift change, we met our night nurse Aindrea. She was another sweet soul who went above and beyond to ensure my husband and I were comfortable as she knew what was to come the next day. She advised us that she would come in and let us hear our son's heartbeat on the doppler as many times as we needed, "even if it's for 30 minutes, you tell me when and how long you want to hear your baby's heartbeat and I will be here." My husband jumped on the opportunity and asked her if she could bring the doppler at that moment and she did.
It took a few minutes to find his heartbeat, but there it was...beating a little slower than earlier that morning and every other session we had before at our appointments, but still beating. My husband and I both cried as we held onto each other and gestured to Aindrea that we could no longer listen.
That night I researched many articles of women who lost their fluid and went on with the pregnancy, but neither had my condition. Neither had an incompetent cervix, neither had a tear, neither had their membrane already sticking out, neither had a very weak cervical wall. I guess I was searching for a sign, anything, that would give me hope. Aindrea came in many times during the night to check on me and we began to get to know each other. She shared her own loss of her second child and went onto have a rainbow baby after. She assured me to stay positive and that she had seen women with my condition go on to have healthy pregnancies as long as the cerclage was done at 12 weeks as it should with an incompetent cervix like mine. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own, she gave me an Ambien to help me sleep, and even with that I was only able to get 5 hours of sleep.
Tuesday, April 3rd
I woke up at 7:03am, I looked over at my husband who was still sleeping on the sofa bed, and just sat up in the bed staring at the wall in front of me. There was a knock at the door, it was my mom. "Hi mija," she said as she walked over to the chair next to me quietly so she wouldn't wake my husband. "Did the nurse say what time the doctor is going to induce you?" "No," I said, "but I think they said after 8am." We both sat there, barely talking, but I appreciated and needed her there.
A little after 8am, some more family began to show up and our room was now filled and a tad noisy due to my now 2 year old nieces being there. The specialist arrived at 9am and came in to talk to my husband and I. They were going to administer the first dose of the pill to induce labor and continue to insert one pill every 3 hours until I went into labor. "It typically takes 3 doses, so 9 hours, before the medication kicks in and you'll go into labor," they explained. "Now, your nurse Christy does not feel comfortable administering it due to there being a heartbeat, so I will be giving you the first dose. I am going to ask that your family leave the room for this." Everyone left, except for my husband, and the specialist then put a very large pill into my vagina. Then we were told to wait.
Everyone then came back into the room and just carried on conversations with each other. At around 10am I began to feel my stomach tightening quite frequently. So I began to time how long it would stay tight for and the time between each tightening feeling. The tightening feeling, which I could only assume were contractions, would last for 28 seconds and it was 35 seconds between each contraction. I explained this to Christy who told me it was too soon for me to be contracting, but she put the monitor on me to be sure. It was now 11am and the tightening began to feel more like a pinch every 30 seconds, but she reassured me it was not contractions and that it would probably be hours before I would go into labor.
Now 12pm, it went from a pinching feeling to a sharp stabbing pain. At this point I no longer felt comfortable being in pain not only physically, but emotionally because I knew what was to come. I asked my husband to ask everyone to leave the room because I could feel eyes on me looking at me with pity because they too knew what was coming. The staff was beyond accommodating and allowed our family to go into the room next door that was empty so they were still close by. "I will make sure no one comes in unless you give me the okay, once you're ready to start pushing I will make sure I bring your mom in here," Christy kindly explained to us.
I endured the most pain I have ever felt in my life. With each contraction that came I held onto the bed rails so tight I thought they would break. I was so scared and felt so unprepared. I didn't even get a chance to take a breathing class, I have no clue how to handle this labor, I was not ready. My poor husband kept asking me if there was anything he could do and each time I just yelled at him to be quiet and leave me alone. I could see him from the corner of my eye pacing back and forth looking helpless. I knew he wanted to help me, but didn't know how.
I cried, I moaned, I held my breath, I prayed to survive each contraction as I braced myself for the pain to come. Finally at 1:30pm I asked my husband to call for Christy so I could tell her I needed the epidural. I could no longer handle the pain and needed relief. Christy then called the anesthesiologist who came in to explain the side effects and what I needed to do as they gave me the shot. Christy asked me to sit up, "I need you to sit very still for me in order for her to give you the epidural. You can hold onto me, squeeze me, yell in my chest if you need to, but you need to be very still even during your contractions. Can you do that for me," she asked. I shook my head yes as I struggled to breathe during a contraction and practice staying still. As I prepared myself and wrapped my arms around Christy's waist, I could see my husband leaving the room. At that point I was unaware that they didn't allow him to be in the room as they gave me the epidural, I thought he had left because he couldn't stand to see me in pain.
Again, I cried, moaned, and squeezed Christy as I waited for the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural. As someone who is deathly afraid of needles, this is the one time I was not afraid at all. All I wanted was relief from the pain and I didn't care how big the needle was, I needed it now. Honestly, I didn't feel the needle go in at all, the only thing I was able to do was concentrate on staying still and dealing with the painful contraction as the needle was going in. Finally, they were done and Christy had me lie down in the bed, "You should be feeling relief any second now." That I did. My right side went numb first and then the left, and not even 2 minutes later I felt nothing. I was able to breathe. It was now 2pm.
I begin to feel as though I need to use the restroom. I tell Christy that I need to go to the bathroom and she tells me to wait while she goes to get the bedpan. In the time she went to get it I began to feel what felt like a softball in between my legs. "Christy, I think I started already, I'm so sorry I couldn't hold it. I need to start pushing, I feel something," I told her as she walked back to the bed. "Let me check, hold on..." she lifts the sheet, "Oh, it's baby!" My husband stood up, held my hand and we both knew it was time.
Christy quickly went to get my mom and came back into the room frantically pressing the call button for the doctor to come to the room. "I need to push, I feel like I have to push," I nervously told her. "Okay, give me one push," she tells me. With one push I felt a large balloon type object come out and heard a loud gush of water.
My son Ezra was born, alive. Christy placed him on my stomach and all I could do was cry.
Ezra was perfect, beautiful, surprisingly bigger than I expected. The doctor finally made it into the room and told me to push one more time to deliver the placenta and all it took was one more push and it was out. During this time my husband held our son and they took Ezra over to clean him up. At this point I felt incredibly drained and had zero energy. I asked my husband to tell my dad to call our priest to get there as soon as he could to baptize Ezra. I told my mom to please let my in-laws know and to have them come see their grandson. I wanted our parents to be the first to see their grandson as we weren't sure how long he'd be with us.
Not even 45 minutes later our priest Father Matt arrived and wasted no time in baptizing our son. Being so tired, I began to doze off as he baptized him, and no matter how hard I tried to stay awake, I couldn't. Father Matt said his goodbye's and left. By this time the room was filled with our parents, our siblings, and my longtime friend. Christy asked if I wanted her to put Ezra on my chest and lifted my bed so I could get a good look at him. He was still breathing, his body was so tiny and skin still translucent you could see his heart beating.
My husband and I held our son and together admired his features.
He had my mouth and lips, my nose, my ears.
He had my husband's shoulders and body frame.
He had both of our hairiness as he had a thick set of eyebrows.
He had big feet and hands, broad shoulders, and tall for 18 weeks.
I asked my husband to empty the room so we can be alone with our son and have skin-to-skin contact with him. Once everyone cleared the room he carefully took Ezra's small cover off and placed him on my bare chest. As Ezra laid on my chest he reached out his small arm and I put my pinky near his hand when he then wrapped all of his fingers around my pinky. In my heart that was him telling me he knew I was his mom, that he wanted me to know he felt my pain and was holding onto me. My husband and I looked at each other as this is happening and cried out loud together. After a few minutes I wanted to ensure my husband had skin-to-skin contact with Ezra as well and that is how our son left the earth, in the arms of his dad.
Our son, Ezra Gotham, was born at 2:04pm weighing 8.8 ounces and measuring 8.7 inches long. We all had a chance to hold him until he went from the arms of his dad on earth to the arms of our Father in heaven at 4:30pm.
For 2 hours and 26 minutes our son fought to give us all as much time as he could to hold him, love him, and remember him. For 2 hours and 26 minutes I was a mom to a baby on earth, and for the rest of my life I'll be a mom to an angel in heaven.
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